Ang hirap.

Kadalasan sobrang kapal nang balat ko di ako tinatablan nang parinig, nang bias or even straightforward kabastusan.

Other times, like today, I can’t help it. I find every remark stings me. I hear “later” as “no” and find myself gritting my teeth at the rebuff.

I wish, I wish, I wish I got barbed tongue, too. I wish the katarayan they say I possess is so true.

I wish I wish I could curl up in bed and hide under the covers. But every day, each day, I have to put on a mask of bravery and pretend everything is okay.

I am superwoman, an impenetrable fortress.

I proceeded to reply, talking about Joel and I, but I ended on a different love story.

I miss her with all my being it hurts even after 6 years.

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We’re going to say hello and goodbye at the same time.

It’s Ole Gunner Solskjaer  (sols-shire) testimonial and we’ve been lucky enough to grab some seats before the Norwegians take them all.

I have to confess though, I’m not really a football fan. I’m not averse to it. I know some players, I know what an offside rule is (I should say I *believe* I know…, but I can survive an entire season without it. I do not need the most expensive cable channel on my subscription.

But Hubs is a different matter. We got Sky just because… He has x-number of Utd shirts. He shouts & jeers at home or in the pub during matches — and these even when he’s alone! Yes, he goes to pubs & communes with like-minded individuals and bonds with other Red Devil supporters.

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Let me start with this.

I first went to the Barbican Gallery to see their Seduced: Art and Sex from Antiquity to Now. It was supposed to be for hubby & I, but he got stuck at work so I went with a friend instead. It was enlightening and amusing at the same time.

Can you guess what’s in each of the photo?

I liked the atmosphere (unpretentious) in the Gallery so much I subscribed to their newsletter.

When I saw they were doing a week’s worth of activity dedicated to “Animation”, I booked Kelvin for the claymation workshop & booked the entire family for the end of the festivities celebration, which included a puppet making workshop, lunch & film showing.

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We went clubbing on a Friday night & booked a five-star hotel in the Central London (courtesy of the younger ‘un). If my guests pull, we arranged it so I will stay with the other London-based pal. I had no plans, I just wanted to party & dance, taste proper cocktails… all of which I’ve not done in a while. Okay all of which I’ve not done in London since moving here, that’s about 7 long years.

My only target was to allow the girls as much fun as they can handle & make sure they’re safe. C, the Londoner, & I were basically pimping the younger sister. I was checking out if the guys she’s dancing with were “acceptable”, politely shoo them away if not. C was scouting until sister was okay & she got herself a guy, too. That left me and my friend, A, dancing together & really just have fun.

There was no shortage of male attention, but we kept turning them down. It’s a bit different from my experience before. Or maybe it’s the club we went to. But some men were quick to fence you in (read: bakuran ka ba) with a hand on your back. Para kong naka-electric chair dahil panay ang iwas at iling ko.

Nearing end of that night (ie. 1-2am) a group of men stood next to me & my friend. They’re not white, I thought they’re latino. Then I overheard this blonde talk to one of them. Type daw nang kaibigan nya itong si pogi, sabi naman ni pogi papahalik daw sya. The entire “conversation” was happening right behind me, as the guy was literally next to me. Cheeky huh.

But then one of them started dancing in front of me - as if we’re partners. For the nth time that night I shook my head. Bakit daw. I dunno what came over me but instead of just saying ’sorry’, what came out was “not you“. Ahh, he said, and made way for the hot guy who was apparently standing right behind him. Ano ‘to queue? (more…

Do they think it’s “cool”? They seem to think it’s acceptable & appropriate. I can almost forgive people I’ve known for a while, but those I’ve just been introduced to?!

I get winks in pubs, clubs or bars. That’s fine, the place is a virtual meat market.

If boys happen to read this please remember the following points:

You do not wink at your interviewer.

You do not wink at your colleagues when you pass each other in the hall.

You do not wink when you’re introduced to someone.

You only wink when you think you’re so fucking hot that I’d be weak at the knees I’ll hire you.

You only wink if you’re the hot guy of my fantasy.

You only wink if your eye has an involuntary reflex.

If you do not have a condition, then stop.

If you cannot read minds & don’t know what the heck women think of you (in that way), then stop with the winking!

This moron started callig me a slag, told me to “shut your face“, that I didn’t know “nuffink” and many other words that for the thickness of his uneducated accent, I couldn’t comprehend. I told him to take a cab if he was so bothered by sharing with strangers. I added that he should watch his language and manners when in public.

The buffoon answered that I shouldn’t tell him what to do as I didn’t know him. I said I can see enough to not want to know him. I ignored him from then and he removed his filthy arm away from me.

Nearing my destination, he probably remembered he was pissed so he started jabbing me again…

This time I raised my voice and when he started launching another verbal abuse at me I told him I will call the cops to fetch him at the next stop. Luckily there was an off-duty policeman, who told him to “behave or else”. Guess what the genius did? He proceeded to abuse the guy for siding “with a chink“. When the guy told him one more word and he’s done, the idiot shut up.

All the while this was happening none of the men in the carriage dared look at us. Many of the women, esp. Asians, were giving me sympathetic looks.

When this youth started whispering threats about doing something when I get off at my stop, I said to him in a loud voice to “Stop muttering idiot we can all hear your threats! If you so much as come down my stop, I will make sure you go to jail. You and your kind do NOT SCARE me!”

Siempre pa takot ako, I decided to move away from him. There’s nothing to be had there. I know I should have done so in the first place and I could have avoided that drama. But you know what? Why should I move?

I am paying for the education and in most cases, the livelihood of these demonic teenagers! Why should I fear them?

The answer? The Government does not provide me with protection.

The off duty policeman, yes thank you for the 2-minute assistance, but the effing follow-up was to get off in the next stop after giving him a talking to. Was that responsible?

Did he think the mal-educado will behave now that the nanny is gone?

The biggest fear in this country is getting knifed by a youth (a gang of youths, in most cases). The elderly and those paying taxes are shortchanged.

My biggest worry? These airheads are breeding! These are the people who are supposed to hold this country’s economy in the future. And as a working citizen, I have the right to a life not ruled by white yobs and black gangsters.

When I stood up to this guy, I was thinking of other Pinoys and minorities. Who knows how many people he’s already abused and who bowed to him? I hope that next time, he will think twice and decide against it. I hope he changes and becomes enlightened.

How that will happen I don’t know. But I certainly don’t want to grow old in this place. I pity those who won’t have a choice. No matter how lovely the United Kingdom is, if it’s ruled by dogs, then… need I say more?

Maybe I should just say - THANK YOU - to all those who commented, emailed, SMS’d their concerns.

A thousand pardons please for ignoring your blogs and not bothering to answer all your comments.

When I joined my current job I knew we will be insanely busy this year, but I didn’t realise I’d be up to my neck with family-related situations, too. So Blogging had to take the back seat. Family and work come first.

There are a couple of things I need to catch-up on quick but I have no idea how fast I can find out:

1. Have I been kicked out of PMN?

2. Has Sassy released her cookbook yet?

3. What is Angel’s book about?

4. How is Ana’s pregnancy?

5. How is J’s lovelife?

But first newsflash: We’re not going to Pinas this year. We cancelled it due to hubby’s operation. We’re going home next year daw.

So there, first post done & it’s about thanking all of you for checking my blog out & for forgiving me for not visiting your sites. Of course I take it I’m forgiven na! hehe

Then I got a voicemail from him, he said he didn’t go to work today because he’s in too much pain. Thankfully (!) he got an appointment from the GP and even more fortunate it was with the “better” doctor. He got the BUPA referral and a scan request for his gall bladder. Now if he waits for NHS that will mean weeks for the results and weeks, if not months, for the consultant.

He’s due for his scan tomorrow and the only consultant near our place is available Wednesday. Hubby says if his pain becomes worse he will go to A&E (that’s the British ER). I asked him if he wants me to be there with him tomorrow. He doesn’t answer straightaway & I don’t look at him.

Deep inside me, I know he wants me to come. I want to come. BUT our Phase 1 release is this week, Friday. It’s problematic and I am needed at work. I feel responsible. BUT I am feeling horrible just thinking about it.

Hubby releases me and initially ventures the scan will be over by 10am. I know though that since the hospital is 2.5 hours away, I will not be in the office until high noon. I will be missing at least 3 meetings and the leave of absence will be without warning as the appointment was only made tonite.

So I asked him in vain really. I feel rotten, my priorities are skewed and the worst thing is I do this almost every month. I feel horrible when I can’t be with my family every time they’re sick. I cannot tend to Kelvin every day. I cannot tend to my husband every day.

Times like these, I really feel that I did bite more than I can chew.

I have not been following the news lately so I’m not sure whether Brown’s controlled the threatened revolt.

But I have been asking myself, why is the thought of a possible cure to a lot of suffering people very abhorrent to me? When the first cloned sheep hit the news, I was disgusted and I feared the wrath of God will fall upon us. I have tried to reason with myself. I know the benefits of this scientific investigation. I pitied Christopher Reeves and sympathised with his campaign but I know deep inside I will never support it.

I feel horrible because on my own, I am condemning the afflicted to death and pain. And the thing all these are only in my head!

I carry so much guilt and my entire being seemed to recoil at the chance that I am trying to convince myself to side with the pro’s.

It has to do with my Catholic upbringing. It is ingrained in my being that anything that resembles an attempt to copy what should be a God-only privilege, is evil.

The media treatment and the doomsday type of films that ever dealt with cloning didn’t help either.

So today, although I understand the aim is good, I will say NO to cloning and fusing an animal gene with that of a human’s. For me, it’s taboo.

oohh but “taboo” is so naughty :-P