Why do I have so much pent up rage? I try and try to de-stress and calm myself, but I find myself irritated by the most insignificant matters both at home and at work.

Ang hirap.

Kadalasan sobrang kapal nang balat ko di ako tinatablan nang parinig, nang bias or even straightforward kabastusan.

Other times, like today, I can’t help it. I find every remark stings me. I hear “later” as “no” and find myself gritting my teeth at the rebuff.

I wish, I wish, I wish I got barbed tongue, too. I wish the katarayan they say I possess is so true.

I wish I wish I could curl up in bed and hide under the covers. But every day, each day, I have to put on a mask of bravery and pretend everything is okay.

I am superwoman, an impenetrable fortress.

I had a fun two weeks when a college friend came back for the nth time. This time around she brought her younger sister with her and I took a couple of days off, too. They arrived when my workload was just starting to calm down & it was perfect timing. Even the British weather cooperated for most part of their stay.

We went clubbing on a Friday night & booked a five-star hotel in the Central London (courtesy of the younger ‘un). If my guests pull, we arranged it so I will stay with the other London-based pal. I had no plans, I just wanted to party & dance, taste proper cocktails… all of which I’ve not done in a while. Okay all of which I’ve not done in London since moving here, that’s about 7 long years.

My only target was to allow the girls as much fun as they can handle & make sure they’re safe. C, the Londoner, & I were basically pimping the younger sister. I was checking out if the guys she’s dancing with were “acceptable”, politely shoo them away if not. C was scouting until sister was okay & she got herself a guy, too. That left me and my friend, A, dancing together & really just have fun.

There was no shortage of male attention, but we kept turning them down. It’s a bit different from my experience before. Or maybe it’s the club we went to. But some men were quick to fence you in (read: bakuran ka ba) with a hand on your back. Para kong naka-electric chair dahil panay ang iwas at iling ko.

Nearing end of that night (ie. 1-2am) a group of men stood next to me & my friend. They’re not white, I thought they’re latino. Then I overheard this blonde talk to one of them. Type daw nang kaibigan nya itong si pogi, sabi naman ni pogi papahalik daw sya. The entire “conversation” was happening right behind me, as the guy was literally next to me. Cheeky huh.

But then one of them started dancing in front of me - as if we’re partners. For the nth time that night I shook my head. Bakit daw. I dunno what came over me but instead of just saying ’sorry’, what came out was “not you“. Ahh, he said, and made way for the hot guy who was apparently standing right behind him. Ano ‘to queue? (more…

It never used to bother me, but now it does. Why is it that some men think it’s okay to “wink” at you as a sign of greeting?

Do they think it’s “cool”? They seem to think it’s acceptable & appropriate. I can almost forgive people I’ve known for a while, but those I’ve just been introduced to?!

I get winks in pubs, clubs or bars. That’s fine, the place is a virtual meat market.

If boys happen to read this please remember the following points:

You do not wink at your interviewer.

You do not wink at your colleagues when you pass each other in the hall.

You do not wink when you’re introduced to someone.

You only wink when you think you’re so fucking hot that I’d be weak at the knees I’ll hire you.

You only wink if you’re the hot guy of my fantasy.

You only wink if your eye has an involuntary reflex.

If you do not have a condition, then stop.

If you cannot read minds & don’t know what the heck women think of you (in that way), then stop with the winking!

Hubby’s been complaining that his sides hurt. He managed to go to work on Saturday. We went to church on Sunday, did a little food shopping, he even did the ironing (yes, he doesn’t shy away from housework).

Then I got a voicemail from him, he said he didn’t go to work today because he’s in too much pain. Thankfully (!) he got an appointment from the GP and even more fortunate it was with the “better” doctor. He got the BUPA referral and a scan request for his gall bladder. Now if he waits for NHS that will mean weeks for the results and weeks, if not months, for the consultant.

He’s due for his scan tomorrow and the only consultant near our place is available Wednesday. Hubby says if his pain becomes worse he will go to A&E (that’s the British ER). I asked him if he wants me to be there with him tomorrow. He doesn’t answer straightaway & I don’t look at him.

Deep inside me, I know he wants me to come. I want to come. BUT our Phase 1 release is this week, Friday. It’s problematic and I am needed at work. I feel responsible. BUT I am feeling horrible just thinking about it.

Hubby releases me and initially ventures the scan will be over by 10am. I know though that since the hospital is 2.5 hours away, I will not be in the office until high noon. I will be missing at least 3 meetings and the leave of absence will be without warning as the appointment was only made tonite.

So I asked him in vain really. I feel rotten, my priorities are skewed and the worst thing is I do this almost every month. I feel horrible when I can’t be with my family every time they’re sick. I cannot tend to Kelvin every day. I cannot tend to my husband every day.

Times like these, I really feel that I did bite more than I can chew.

One late meeting, hot guy announced we need to make it short as he needs to pick-up his dry-cleaning. The CIO joked hot guy should find himself a woman and sort out his domestic issues.

I am the only girl in these meetings - most of the time. Without meaning to, almost by reflex I blurted out “What did you say?!”

Laughter, guffaws then CIO  backtracked and said “I mean find someone, a woman, a man… here” pointing to the office manager, who is a guy! Which of course made everything worse if there was a PC police insight.

As soon as I spoke those words though I regretted it. I’m not the most PC person and I knew his words were not meant to demean. In fact, I’m sort of glad… Now I know hot guy is not only single, but also available. *Meow*

I would like to think I’m not an axe-wielding feminist but a liberal and enlightened modern woman. I do not expect men to stand up and offer me their seat. I do not expect to be passed over for a promotion because the competition is a man. I expect equal rights. But I know we don’t live in a just World.

Because I work in IT, most of my officemates are men. That’s okay, most of the time I’m more at ease with men anyway. Most of my friends are male. And I am enjoying my current workplace. We’re busy up to our necks with deadlines but that’s life.

What bothers me is the number of doors we have to go thru to go from place to place within our office. The first is the main building door, then the secure door on our floor. Then there’s a door that separates the Technology and the meeting rooms from the rest of the floor, then there’s the actual Technology team’s door. Then there are the meeting room doors. And if you need the admin & marketing people or some stationeries, you go out the Tech room, thru the separating door thru another door. (more…

In Kat’s recent post she was wondering whether she was sub-consciously censoring her posts. It really made me think. Are my posts censored, too? By posting the following racy admission, am I going to turn some readers away? Am I opening myself to ridicule? Do I care? hehe Of course, I do. But people, what I’m going to say (or write) is nothing but universal truth. Take it like Sally revealing that women fake orgasm (When Harry Met Sally).

I love feeling flirty & having that ticklish feeling of a teenager with a major crush: giggly, self-conscious, you put multiple meanings from an accidental glance, or construe electric vibes during casual conversations.

I am in-love with hubby and he can get me all hot just by naughty text messages or casually dropped innuendos while telling me to pick up groceries. But the thrill of the “chase” can still get my blood boil-a-degree, too. It’s not just men who have open sexual desire, you know.

Married women, a mum in my case, still desires (a lot). Marriage did not bind my libido. It didn’t blind me to other men, and it certainly didn’t blind my husband to other women. Marriage and the promise of monogamy can make some rebellious, I’m not (yet). But it certainly didn’t take my (animal) instinct away. The only thing I’m not sure of is whether menopause will, sad if it does.

I am a flirt by nature. I like it when the men I like likes me back. Who doesn’t? When I was single, I was terrified of committing to hubby (then bf) because I was having so much fun dating and he was way too serious. (Un)fortunately I didn’t sleep around, just dated & flirted. You know: you chat, you hold hands, there might be a touch here and there. Sometimes you cuddle. Sometimes you engage in teasing kisses. Most of the time you just exchange loaded glances. Other times you let yourself go stare longingly at each other but do nothing.

It gets me going. Thinking, wondering. Perhaps I’m masochistic, more likely it’s just the hopeless romantic in me. But it’s fun. It’s a recreation. It doesn’t really matter if it was an unrequited desire (note: not love).

Perhaps brought on by my returning glory, I now have McAvoy staring at me on a daily basis when my desktop (@work) shows up. Since I have two monitors, I have two McAvoys sending shivers down my spine - joy! Soon I will have more.

I also found a more human (i.e. physically here) eye-candy. Every time I remember Jason, I wish I could post this guy’s photo here to show you WHY. Hot dude’s into kite-surfing so he’s really buff. He smells clean. He wears tattered jumpers (sweatshirts to non-Brits) when casual, business suit when formal. He’s single and a real hottie. Funny though, I discovered he also knows about Owen Wilson’s problems. Hmmm.

But in any case, just having these guys to entertain my dull moments, makes up for the 8-9 hours I spend stuck in the grind of daily work. If I wasn’t married & I do have an office-affair, I think that might make the Tube a bit tolerable, too.

For now, I just enjoy the ride.

xxx
Oh yeah, hubby knows. And come to think of it, this is not so risque afterall.

Scarlett Johansson said she wants to go to Iraq to entertain the soldiers. When asked what she’d do, she said she’ll probably just go on stage and “ooze sex appeal”.

How do you intentionally ooze sex appeal?

At any rate, I wish I could say the same thing & not have people throw up. You know something along the lines of:

“I’m not going to prepare for the management meeting, I think I will just sit there & ooze sex appeal”

Somehow though I get the feeling, that will not work. It doesn’t work with hubby when I want to distract him and forget about my credit card bills.

On another note…

We saw the Transformers movie last week and it was all that I dreamed about & more. It wasn’t even violent. Kelvin was transfixed. Daddy, I think, felt left out because he’d tap either Kelvin or myself & we’d both tell him to “shush”.

Shia LeBouf was perfectly cast. The action sequences were superb. The animation was SUPER FANTASTIC. And Bay didn’t disappoint die-hard fans like myself, he kept the well-known supporting characters: StarScream and Bumblebee. The 3D look they gave Optimus Prime had me reeling. He’s so… sexy. Did you see how he managed to “spike” one of the Decepticons? That’s the first time I’ve seen my hero become violent. In the 80’s TV version, they fly, drop bombs, chase each other & punch. No mortal combat.

The pouting girl was a distraction. I could almost forgive her skimpy top because at least she wasn’t wearing 5-in stilettos & still be driving tractors!

Some of the dialogues are pretty lame (dumbed down script?) but I’m nit-picking, the film is flawless in its genre. It’s not about Hamlet, it’s about alien life forms morphing into trucks and jets.

I came in ready to be disappointed, not wanting to get my hopes up, but at the end of the film, I wanted to jump up & clap! It was an amazing experience to see my hero on the big screen & doubly-great that my son “digs” it as much as I.

So this film is not just a must see, it’s a must see-again-and-again. I’m waiting for the DVD, or a sequel, or a TV-version?

I love you, Optimus Prime!

That’s James McAvoy. I met him last week while watching the “Last King of Scotland”. I couldn’t get him off my mind since then. At first I was apprehensive he will be like most men that catch my eyes these days - younger than me. Well, he is but only by 2 years not 10. So I guess we can make it work, as long as his wife doesn’t find out. Oh yeah, my hubby is best kept in the dark, too.

Nak ng tokwa naman kasi! Look at those sexy eyes and what could possibly be the second most kissable lips on Earth (hubby’s is the best! — hi Mahal). I saw his bum on the film while he was cavorting with Idi Amin’s “third wife” (real life, Kay was Amin’s second wife). hihi -> yup I giggled & felt really nice all-over. “TURNAROUND, HOT STUFF!” But he couldn’t hear me.

I guess even if I wasn’t impressed with the book, I’ll have to watch “Atonement” to see him again.

auee@swooning

UPDATE 12 Sept AM:
Hubby claims to looking like my dreamboat. HMMM

With her flamboyant personality, very public stance against multinational corporations and outspoken opinions on traditional stereotypes of attractiveness, Roddick will be remembered as a maverick in the world of beauty.
—- WWD.com

Anita Roddick died on Monday and for the second time in my life, a public figure’s death touched me and I mourned. Roddick may not be Mother Theresa but she’s certainly an inspiration to women around the globe. Her death meant losing a powerful and credible role model for our children.

Roddick is the founder of Body Shop and she was diagnosed with Hepatitis C which she caught from a blood transfusion upon giving birth. I don’t really know much about her. I don’t have any of her books. I’m not a regular customer in her shop. But from the little news and history that I learnt since coming to London, I can’t help but be amazed by how much she has accomplished & how much she managed to give back to society. I know this is superficial I also liked looking at her pictures and more than once I told my husband that I want to grow old like her: gracious and always simple but elegant. Truly classy like a modern day Audrey Hepburn in her greying years.

For most of us still living & breathing, especially those struggling to do the right thing or to “make it”, Roddick’s life can still inspire us to persevere, to stay focused, and to challenge the norm if it meant staying true to what you believe in. She’s truly one a kind. God Bless her soul.