Considering that I broke up with an ex for cheating on me (with a “friend” and the recent incident that my best mate reported, should I be alarmed?

Apparently ex was so excited to see my buddy that he caused a ruckus just to catch her attention & when he got it, he asked for her number. Could it be he’s zooming in on her now?

Ever since I started getting comfortable about working & earning my own money, I started to trace my old friends back in primary and in secondary school. Maybe for stupid reasons, I just drifted away from most of them.

My attempts to get in touch with my best girlfriend in elementary school was disastrous. I’ve nothing to say to her because she wasn’t forthcoming either. We were both stumped. Thankfully it was over the phone so we just hanged up & perhaps each of us sighing with relief in the end.

Then in Y2K, I joined a reunion of our high school mates. It was strange. Nevertheless I resolved to be in touch again. So I invited them to my son’s baptismal, his first birthday & this year, I met up with them for dinner & another day to hang out at a friend’s house. Dinner was okay. We were yapping and really catching up on our “adult lives”. The second time was a bit of an eye-opener. There was a new face whom I didn’t know, but they assured me is a good friend. Then they started talking about people we all knew but I never thought of as part of the clique, but now they’re saying “is so”.

It wasn’t bad memory on my part, it’s just that when I drifted off to University, they stayed glued to each other attracting more friends. And as the years passed they just assumed I knew. And now, I was there feeling detached. I hear the same nasty personal jokes that I used to hate. I saw them insult each other again. And I realised why I had another barkada back then.

The people I’m with those two days are amazing people. They’ve evolved & matured. But you know, I still felt like I didn’t belong. Maybe it was all the years I was never to be found.

Daming nangyari. My toddler turned two, we went back to Pinas, we went back to London, and now I’m back to work.

I’ve had “crying freeman” moments with my husband, with my nanay, with my sisters and with my self.

There were so many time when I was telling myself I’ll be okay while wiping my tears & snot, that I paused and wished I have a laptop so I can type my emotions away.

There were moments when I felt so little and inadequate which “homecoming” seem to do to me every time. I become the kid sister who knows nothing about life, I morph to a little whimpering girl. At least to my family’s eyes I’m always their bunso. So some of them can’t hold their tongue & really feel they need to tell me to prioritise my son; to look after his health as he’s becoming too sickly, as if my husband & I aren’t moving heaven and earth to give our son the best care in this world. When I replied (one time) to remind a sensitive soul that I don’t need reminding as I am the mother & though I don’t want my son to get sick, it can’t be helped; that even if I don’t want him to stay in a nursery, I need to work. The next thing I knew I was being told not be too defensive. OH COME ON!

The continuing saga with my inlaws ended with them hanging up on me when I called. Sorry but all I can say is “ang bastos naman”. As far as I’m concerned I’ve done my part. That’s it. No more in-laws.

Before I even contacted those oldies I tried getting in touch with the half-brother-in-law. I was told “they said they’re not in”. Oooh what a classic mistake(?). To get involved in something they’ve nothing to do with is… low. Where did all the “pakikisama” I’ve done gone? Thru the window apparently.

The holiday I was supposed to spend wasn’t much of a holiday. I fleeted between hospitals-clinics-dentists the whole time. So obviously spent a lot of money there. Hopefully money well-spent, but not on what I wanted (i.e. liposuction?).

Now with everything that’s transpired between me and my husband’s kin, we’d need to talk about a lot of things. Two weeks on and we still haven’t had the time to discuss anything. We’re tip-toeing around each other & we’re totally skipping that subject. When I broached it last week, he wasn’t too keen to listen. We’ll try again.

A lot of friends have been separating with partners left & right, in Pinas and here in London. I hope we don’t come to that. Aside from inlaws of course we fight about other things & it does get to me. For me all the “problems” we’re facing are minor as long as we stick together, we stand as one & make our love a priority. Unfortunately, to act and behave like reasonable, mature people is more difficult in practice. Our marriage is still young & maybe the honeymoon period is over. But I hope our relationship withstands whatever is coming our way & that we weather what we’re facing now.

I hate confrontations. I get too emotional & when I’m really mad, tears fall without caution. It makes me appear weak.

But what I hate most is not coming up with retorts quick enough. I always feel like I have a big ‘L’ sign on my forehead.

So here is my sayang moment number 1:

I was 9-10 years old, in a pedicab. It was the start of the school year & a Philippine rainy season. An old man (probably in his 30’s) rode the same pedicab, he’s got splashes of mud on his trousers (so does everyone else). He turns to me and asks if I have some tissue & I said no. He comments “babae ka pa naman wala kang tissue“. I know I should say something but my tongue was unwilling to move, my brain was unwilling to work. I was indignant. When I got to school I was in a foul mood. And now, 20 years after, I’m still fuming hehehe

Sayang moment number 2:

I was 18-19 years old, a selective group of sisses in my academic org decided they had enough of me always preferring my then-boyfriend than our org. They ambushed me in what was supposed to be a girl’s nightout, they turned it into a bull session. I was the bull. The precious few members who tried to defend me were all powerless from the bullies. I was powerless & offered no defence, why?? Because I was stupid. I had my revenge the following day instead. But it was still too late. I still wished I said a million things to them that very night.

Written on 20 March 2003

Tanong ko sa asawa ko, “why am I not good at retaining friends?” Sabi niya hindi naman daw sa hindi ako kaibig-ibig, kundi wala daw kasing continuity.

There are times I look at my sisters with envy. Most of their friends go waaay back in high school and are still there. Justifiably sabi ni hubby kasi sila tuloy-tuloy ang pagsasama. Pagkatapos ng high school, pare-pareho ng course sa iisang college. Pagkakuha ng diploma, sama-sama sa iisang ospital at sabay-sabay na lumipad papunta sa iisang bansa. Sabi nga ang lalim na ng ugat ng samahan.

Samantalang ako palipat-lipat, nawawala. With friends, out of sight can sometimes mean out of mind. At dahil nasa labas ako, mas nararamdaman ko.

I really have precious few friends that I deeply treasure. Yung mga subok na matibay, thru thick and thin. Sa high school, andyan si Lisa. Kaso mula nung maging mommy, she started to stay away. Wala na yung mga spontaneous text messages or phone calls. Sabi ni hubby na outgrow ko daw at the same time iba na ang path niya. Reason ba yun?

College, my closest friend was Marlon. Then there’s Almira, Gay, Coors, Cherry, Rose and a handful of others. Ngayong OFW na ko, wala na kong balita kay Cherry. Hindi sumusulat si Almira. Pero buti na lang may email, I hear from the others more often. Pero sa isip-isip ko tatagal kaya?

Work. Sabi ni hubby iba na daw yun kasi ng magkita-kita kami, mature people na yan. Rooted na din daw kahit paano. Pero nasaan si Balot?

Kung ako ngayon madalas naiisip ko yung mga kaibigan ko, what are they up to now, what are they like, I hope they’re okay. Sila kaya naiisip din nila ako? Sabi ba naman ni hubby kasi daw karamihan ng ka-close ko para ding ako… meaning? Flip, emotional, maraming hang-ups, weird?? Totoo ba yun? Hindi naman.

Sa totoo lang lagi ko kasing naiisip what if I die today? I want my friends to be there, to know — but how? Nakakatakot. Oo, morbid ako. Pero ang lungkot isipin sasabihin ng mga tao sa lamay ko, may friends yan di lang siguro nasabihan. Ouch.

Dito (uk) na namin planong mag-pamilya ni hubby. Siempre dito na din la-laki yung mga anak namin (that is if God sees us fit). Aba sabi ko hang-on… I need friends here. Kailangan ngayon pa lang mag-cultivate na kami ng friendships na hindi user-friendly kundi pangmatagalan.

But still I told my husband I want my old friends. Right now it feels like I’m holding on to a thread. If I decide to let go and forget, no one would grab the other end. Ganun, goodbye na ba?

I just hope when we retire we can still call our dear old friends and continue as if there was never any gap at all. Wag ko na munang isipin paano kung wala na kong babalikan.

Negative muna

I can’t stand dopey people. I can take & even enjoy dopey conversations but not when the person you’re talking to actually thinks he/she’s being smart.

It is highly possible I’ve got an attitude problem but I have zero tolerance on stupidity. If you have shown someone how to work a kettle once, I’d expect them to know it in one second. It’s not that difficult unless you have a learning disability. But what I hate most are people who don’t listen but will nag you every minute to show them how it’s done - again.

I disdain dimwits. I cannot suffer fools. Yes I am acting all high & mighty but there is no worst torture for me than listening to stupid people who think they’re the bomb. And before anyone points it out, yes I can be stupid too.

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My lifetime’s work

I finally found time to put all my work files & extra-curriculars in one place. I have yet to back them up on a disc for safe keeping but I’m getting there. I was also able to collate my contact list from PAB to Outlook 2003 Contacts. Now all I need is to export them also for safe keeping.

Anyway I’ve been reading my works since 1997 & had a bit of flashbacks. I am getting old. Age shows in my works. I would like to say maturity but really the big change is my focus. Before it was all parties (& men) but now… Well some people will say focused on more boring stuff
:-)

The Little Prince would say “matters of consequence”. Time really flies.

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On the tube post…

When I was pregnant I started noticing expecting mums everywhere. There was a time I’d see at least 2 a day. I’m sure the Universe has been like this even before but, suddenly, I actually “see” them now. Since I have struggled getting a seat on the tube when my tummy was big enough for everyone to see, I am now courteous to the mums-to-be in giving away my seat whenever I can.

But then I committed the most embarrassing mistake I could. I offered a woman my seat when she was not pregnant at all! She didn’t correct me but when I looked again it was highly probable she was just having the same problem as me in the “extra pouch” department.

London Underground has started a button campaign that pregnant women can wear which announces their state to everyone & will give them “power” to boot anyone out of their seats. But it didn’t catch on. Women today are too proud. And most critics said it was too condescending to women. Oh well. Good intentions, bad move.

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My son, my son.

The light of my life made me really proud today & he doesn’t even know it. I’ve known Mother’s Pride since I gave birth. I know my son is special & he can be really cute & handsome. I am also aware he’s smart for his age… Ok Ok please let me go on. He’s my son! hehe

We arrived 10 minutes before the Nursery’s official opening time. We went to the reception instead, to escape from the freezing morning air. Sister Margaret arrived at the same time. She’s really nice, she knows all the kids in the nursery, as in individually not just by face. That’s no mean feat as there are least 50 kids at any given day.

Anyway it was too early and the staff were just having a morning chat. pogiBoy, my boy, was looking around the place & was pointing to statues & other bric-a-bracs. Then I heard Sr. Margaret talking to one staff about pogiBoy. She said (verbatim) “…he’s a really bright boy, at his age less than 2, you can tell. He’s always playing with puzzles & he puts the pieces in the right shapes…” At that point you can probably tell I was floating & beaming.

My son, my hero.