Daming nangyari. My toddler turned two, we went back to Pinas, we went back to London, and now I’m back to work.

I’ve had “crying freeman” moments with my husband, with my nanay, with my sisters and with my self.

There were so many time when I was telling myself I’ll be okay while wiping my tears & snot, that I paused and wished I have a laptop so I can type my emotions away.

There were moments when I felt so little and inadequate which “homecoming” seem to do to me every time. I become the kid sister who knows nothing about life, I morph to a little whimpering girl. At least to my family’s eyes I’m always their bunso. So some of them can’t hold their tongue & really feel they need to tell me to prioritise my son; to look after his health as he’s becoming too sickly, as if my husband & I aren’t moving heaven and earth to give our son the best care in this world. When I replied (one time) to remind a sensitive soul that I don’t need reminding as I am the mother & though I don’t want my son to get sick, it can’t be helped; that even if I don’t want him to stay in a nursery, I need to work. The next thing I knew I was being told not be too defensive. OH COME ON!

The continuing saga with my inlaws ended with them hanging up on me when I called. Sorry but all I can say is “ang bastos naman”. As far as I’m concerned I’ve done my part. That’s it. No more in-laws.

Before I even contacted those oldies I tried getting in touch with the half-brother-in-law. I was told “they said they’re not in”. Oooh what a classic mistake(?). To get involved in something they’ve nothing to do with is… low. Where did all the “pakikisama” I’ve done gone? Thru the window apparently.

The holiday I was supposed to spend wasn’t much of a holiday. I fleeted between hospitals-clinics-dentists the whole time. So obviously spent a lot of money there. Hopefully money well-spent, but not on what I wanted (i.e. liposuction?).

Now with everything that’s transpired between me and my husband’s kin, we’d need to talk about a lot of things. Two weeks on and we still haven’t had the time to discuss anything. We’re tip-toeing around each other & we’re totally skipping that subject. When I broached it last week, he wasn’t too keen to listen. We’ll try again.

A lot of friends have been separating with partners left & right, in Pinas and here in London. I hope we don’t come to that. Aside from inlaws of course we fight about other things & it does get to me. For me all the “problems” we’re facing are minor as long as we stick together, we stand as one & make our love a priority. Unfortunately, to act and behave like reasonable, mature people is more difficult in practice. Our marriage is still young & maybe the honeymoon period is over. But I hope our relationship withstands whatever is coming our way & that we weather what we’re facing now.

I just read about the Wowowee tragedy in ULTRA, Pasig (Pinas). I felt pity which is normal then I felt rage which is useless. Those people queued at Ultra hoping they’d at least get a few pesos by being one of the millions in the rating wars of ABS-CBN. Aside from looking like beggars & fools (targets of the accompanying jokes of the show’s hosts), now they will have to deal with deaths & injuries & missing limbs. Will ABS’ execs pay for their ensuing medical bills?

The accident shows what state our country is in: the poverty that can never be resolved (I hope I’m wrong) and the corruption of its People. Nakakalungkot. I feel impotent because no matter how much I rage, I feel like there is nothing I can do.

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domestic issue naman

On the same vein, I feel even more impotent at home. Now that my in-laws are here not only am I stressed at work, I’m doubly stressed at home. Yes, they’re nice, decent people. But they are not equipped (mentally & physically) to look after a toddler. Plus I do question their hygiene standards. They’ve been the source of a never-ending-discussion between my husband & me. And they’ve only been here for a week!

If I can only ship them back where they belong… but alas, I’m impotent in my own castle.

So my in-laws are here & it’s like every nightmare I’ve had has come to life. They’re jet lagged. After cleaning up after my son, my husband & ourselves, I noticed my nanay-in-law sitting in the lounge trying to stay focused on “Princess Diaries”. I told her to lie down & rest. She immediately concurred as if it’s something she never thought of. Now, where was my tatay-in-law? He was in the bedroom happily snoring us to death.

Then it dawned on me, their relationship has always been like that. You know like “tulog-na-ko-di kita-aayain-bahala-ka-sa-buhay-mo” type. As in. I’ve seen it time & again, I just never put two-&-two together. There was a time a long time ago that Tatay brought Nanay to Manila & told her to climb the heady-heights of the MRT eventhough she was panting to death. Then there was Nanay, whom I keep asking to teach Tatay to use our super-hitech percolator. She insists he ought to know (though I just showed it to her too), then an hour later Tatay asks “pano magpakulo ng tubig?” with his grating waray accent (no offence to all warays). The worst to me was the night they arrived. They landed at 7pm but got home at near 10pm. I have some soup ready, hello it’s winter. I told Tatay to call Nanay & get take some soup as I clean my toddler’s bottles. What did he say? “Ah busog na yun“. Oookkaaayy. I mean less dish to clean ‘eh? Then who asks for food an hour later?? I told her she’s supposed to be full and she nonchalantly says she hardly touched her plane-fare.

It’s not that they don’t love each other. I’m sure they do. They’re just… weird? Unemotional? Too practical? Too unromantic? Too uncaring? Maybe. But what scares me is my persistent & nagging complaint to my husband. Malambing sya but there is something lacking. I have to tell him what to do, what I’d what to happen, where I want to go, things like that… do you get the picture? Sure he’s a good husband, does his share & all. He’s a good father. He tries but still fall waaayyy short. Maybe I’m just expecting too much — you know, decent meals out are so precious these days. Or even a surprise night out. Or even a backrub offer. Heck I’d settle for a foot massage!

I’m a miserable person, aren’t I? I ask for the impossible. If the man grew up with people who hardly looks at each other with affection, how can I expect him to know what it is? Egad! What have I gotten myself into?

Can I train him? Do I have the energy & patience? Moreover, do I want to? Who knows maybe I can live without whatever-it-is-I’m-missing. If I can’t, I can always blame the in-laws.

The title’s an exaggeration. No one I know is under attack. But my in-laws are coming. So it is in a way similar to having ala-War of the Worlds feeling about the whole situation.

Don’t get me wrong, I like my in-laws. So far we’ve never fought, exchanged rude words, there’s no animosity. But living on my own for the last 14 years I dread the invasion of my privacy. There’s this paranoia suggesting my rules will be broken & my home is no longer mine to control. I don’t rule the roost anymore. It’s different when my parents were here. Since they’re MY parents, I still rule. I’m still the boss. But now… well you get the picture.

It will make other people cringe, some would raise their brows at me, but I am bracing myself for some unforeseen & disastrous scenarios.