If I count how many times I’ve wished I never have to work, I’d run out of numbers. Today is one of those days when I seem to have a weekend-hangover. The sun is pleasantly bright but the air is a bit chilly. It’s just a perfect day out. I’ve been at work since 7am & all I could think about is how I wish I can spend the day, with hubby & son, strolling in the park.

Then there would be days when my toddler’s sick & I wish all the more that I could stay at home & just be with him. Or days when he gets frustrated ’cause he can’t form words & I wish I could be there 24/7 for him & tutor him. But I know I can’t & it will not happen. Also the practical me shoves my dreams away as domestic chores will not disappear when I’m at home. I’d probably be frustrated at home too because nowadays during weekends, I spend at least 20 hours doing housework instead of “relaxing” with my kid. Yes there are days we do relax & play, but those are exceptions.

Maybe I have been born lazy because I feel like I’ve been working all my life. I never get to “chill” and spend my savings on an around-the-world-trip. Shortchange? Not really. I am just in a pensive mood.

It was time for my son’s nursery quarterly review (at least that’s what I call it). Hubby was supposed to go but I wanted to be there too. I have a list of questions I wanted him to ask the keyworker & the look on his face was becoming desperate. I know what he was thinking — that if he messed up & forgot to ask one of my KEY questions, I’ll go berserk. So I turned around & just told him to pick the earliest slot on any day I’m supposed to take pogiBoy to day care & I will meet up with the keyworker instead. He sighed & agreed instantaneously. He wants to be there too but there’s no available schedule for both of us.

So today I had a chat with Sonia, pogiBoy’s keyworker, and whom I really like from the start. She’s very mum-sy yet firm. She suggested we get pogiBoy a velcro trainers so he can easily put his shoes on/off like the other kids. All his shoes are lace-up so he’s struggling & gets frustrated when a staff needs to help. She also told me to force pogiBoy to “ask” for things he wants, instead of just giving him what he’s pointing at.

Overall she said his progress was remarkable in the four months he’s been with them. He’s also shown proficiency in 3D puzzles and wooden jigsaw. That he plays nicely with kids though he loves rough play & wants to wrestle & tumble which some bigger toddlers do not understand. Amongst his class he’s the only one who can barely speak but she says we shouldn’t worry as he is starting to use words more often & that he’s just a bit lazy. She says he’s lovely & very likeable & has good concentration & eye-contact. He does understand simple instructions & has settled into their routine very well. He apparently love singing & dancing/prancing around. One thing they noticed though is he easily dozes off in the mornings. I told her about his weekend routine of nap time twice a day.

So it’s done. But I forgot to ask for a copy of the report – d’oh! I might hear it from hubby hehe

Daming nangyari. My toddler turned two, we went back to Pinas, we went back to London, and now I’m back to work.

I’ve had “crying freeman” moments with my husband, with my nanay, with my sisters and with my self.

There were so many time when I was telling myself I’ll be okay while wiping my tears & snot, that I paused and wished I have a laptop so I can type my emotions away.

There were moments when I felt so little and inadequate which “homecoming” seem to do to me every time. I become the kid sister who knows nothing about life, I morph to a little whimpering girl. At least to my family’s eyes I’m always their bunso. So some of them can’t hold their tongue & really feel they need to tell me to prioritise my son; to look after his health as he’s becoming too sickly, as if my husband & I aren’t moving heaven and earth to give our son the best care in this world. When I replied (one time) to remind a sensitive soul that I don’t need reminding as I am the mother & though I don’t want my son to get sick, it can’t be helped; that even if I don’t want him to stay in a nursery, I need to work. The next thing I knew I was being told not be too defensive. OH COME ON!

The continuing saga with my inlaws ended with them hanging up on me when I called. Sorry but all I can say is “ang bastos naman”. As far as I’m concerned I’ve done my part. That’s it. No more in-laws.

Before I even contacted those oldies I tried getting in touch with the half-brother-in-law. I was told “they said they’re not in”. Oooh what a classic mistake(?). To get involved in something they’ve nothing to do with is… low. Where did all the “pakikisama” I’ve done gone? Thru the window apparently.

The holiday I was supposed to spend wasn’t much of a holiday. I fleeted between hospitals-clinics-dentists the whole time. So obviously spent a lot of money there. Hopefully money well-spent, but not on what I wanted (i.e. liposuction?).

Now with everything that’s transpired between me and my husband’s kin, we’d need to talk about a lot of things. Two weeks on and we still haven’t had the time to discuss anything. We’re tip-toeing around each other & we’re totally skipping that subject. When I broached it last week, he wasn’t too keen to listen. We’ll try again.

A lot of friends have been separating with partners left & right, in Pinas and here in London. I hope we don’t come to that. Aside from inlaws of course we fight about other things & it does get to me. For me all the “problems” we’re facing are minor as long as we stick together, we stand as one & make our love a priority. Unfortunately, to act and behave like reasonable, mature people is more difficult in practice. Our marriage is still young & maybe the honeymoon period is over. But I hope our relationship withstands whatever is coming our way & that we weather what we’re facing now.

I thought the whole month’s gonna pass without any problems. But last weekend after a kiddie party, my son got sick. Hubby & I have to juggle work & nursing the little boy. There’s much discussion about who should stay at home. I insist I did last time & it’s his turn.

We’re both very busy. But of course I felt I deserved to work coz it’s my last 2 weeks & I’m still recruiting & training the testers. I feel guilty that I might leave the company in a lurch (yes I know I should be guilty of thinking that when my son is sick). Thankfully hubby’s got 2 days off so it wasn’t that bad. For his side, he insists he’s needed at the hospital coz he’s a “sister” & the rest of the staff are juniors.

The perils of parenthood with no grandparents as backup.

Anyway, two nights ago, my son was fighting with hubby to stay awake though he’s clearly sleepy. He hasn’t been eating well and… well, he’s got gastroentiritis, it’s not pretty.

I was groggy & tired from work, I just want to sleep. It was 8pm & was half-awake when my mobile phone rang. There were so many voices in the background all giggly & I thought maybe I know them, I just don’t recognize the number. A guy said hello & said “ayan na” & gave the phone to someone else. Still patient but yawning, I asked who it was. This time a Filipino girl answered, said my name & said “Nanay mo” (your mother) & started to giggle. I hang up.

We’re miles away from home (the Philippines) and Filipinos still waste each other’s time with crank calls. So two days later I remembered & gave the number a call. A girl answered & when I told her who I was she was very apologetic. She won’t say who she was except that she’s a nurse. I asked why she felt the need to call me at night to celebrate their drunken-ness & she started to stammer. Naman… We’re all trying to make a living far away from loved ones & you still get idiots following you around.

Mother’s Day here in Britain last Sunday, 26 March. It’s discomforting because of two reasons: First, it’s so commercialised, you can’t go into a shop without seeing “bouquet for mum” with an astronomical price tag. Second, because in the Philippines we celebrate Mother’s Day in May (tama ba?). So I need to hoard a few cards to send in out in the “off-season”. The bad thing is I forgot. So sorry Nanay, sorry sisters.

And does anyone know why the English spell ‘mom’ as ‘mum’? I’m being constantly corrected by American-English taught friends!

Buti na lang my son is here this time of year & he’s even old enough to carry light weights. My hubby made pogiBoy give me their gift of ‘mum’ frame & ‘mum’ coffee mug with a hug & a kiss. Of course my 21-month old son thought they were his.

I can’t wait until he’s actually old enough cut out his own cards & maybe cook me breakfast in bed. Now that’s a plus for Mother’s Day!

Winter’s nearly over & the days are getting colder and colder. The wind actually hurts & sleet a daily occurence. I’m so used to grey skies now that everytime there’s a sunny patch I actually feel my mood improving. That’s Britain for you.

So a few nights ago, I called my husband four (4) stations before my stop. I don’t want to freeze & my toes are especially sensitive. When I got out of the train station, what do I see? My 22-month old son’s eager face all alit with a lovely smile & he’s waving at me. He saw me before I even passed the ticket barrier.

All the winter cold melted away & my life was suddenly summer fresh & breezy. There’s nothing more heartwarming than an adoring son’s love.

If only we didn’t have to go home & face my in-laws’ dark faces. But let’s not ruin my post.

My son sleeps next to either my husband or me. He has his own room, complete with wardrobes, a bed, sidetable with a Disney character lamp &, of course, his toys & books. But my husband doesn’t want him to sleep alone until he’s 4 y.o. (anyway since my inlaws are here they use my son’s room instead).

Anyway if it’s my shift, then my hubby gets a blanket & the floor, if it’s his night then I get the floor. But more & more, whenever I’m on the bedroom floor, I still wake up at 5-530am. My son climbs down the bed & nudges me or jumps on me or simply lies down next to me. When I’m on the bed with him, he does the same thing anyway. He’ll either wake me up gently or will start lifting/poking at my eyelids. He never does it to his dad. It’s like he doesn’t care where dad is, he wants mum to WAKE UP!

Either my husband is totally oblivious & never notices these events or he’s secretly enjoying his extended sleep time. It bothers me because (a) it’s unfair that I’m always tired & don’t get enough sleep; and (b) because my son isn’t that “attached” to his dad. I keep telling hubby to set aside more playtime with our son & just be all out silly & make him laugh. At least now when hubby reads the bedtime stories he tries to do the “voices”.

I enjoy my son’s devotion & attention. I love the fact that when he hurt himself he asks me to kiss his boo-boo. I love my son to bits & I wish I could stay at home & just look after him. But I can’t. I’m a working mum & I get tired & I need rest & I need time to myself as would any normal person. So when I’m in a foul mood or when I’m sick, I really wish my husband would make that little effort to keep our son’s attention.

Negative muna

I can’t stand dopey people. I can take & even enjoy dopey conversations but not when the person you’re talking to actually thinks he/she’s being smart.

It is highly possible I’ve got an attitude problem but I have zero tolerance on stupidity. If you have shown someone how to work a kettle once, I’d expect them to know it in one second. It’s not that difficult unless you have a learning disability. But what I hate most are people who don’t listen but will nag you every minute to show them how it’s done – again.

I disdain dimwits. I cannot suffer fools. Yes I am acting all high & mighty but there is no worst torture for me than listening to stupid people who think they’re the bomb. And before anyone points it out, yes I can be stupid too.

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My lifetime’s work

I finally found time to put all my work files & extra-curriculars in one place. I have yet to back them up on a disc for safe keeping but I’m getting there. I was also able to collate my contact list from PAB to Outlook 2003 Contacts. Now all I need is to export them also for safe keeping.

Anyway I’ve been reading my works since 1997 & had a bit of flashbacks. I am getting old. Age shows in my works. I would like to say maturity but really the big change is my focus. Before it was all parties (& men) but now… Well some people will say focused on more boring stuff
:-)

The Little Prince would say “matters of consequence”. Time really flies.

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On the tube post…

When I was pregnant I started noticing expecting mums everywhere. There was a time I’d see at least 2 a day. I’m sure the Universe has been like this even before but, suddenly, I actually “see” them now. Since I have struggled getting a seat on the tube when my tummy was big enough for everyone to see, I am now courteous to the mums-to-be in giving away my seat whenever I can.

But then I committed the most embarrassing mistake I could. I offered a woman my seat when she was not pregnant at all! She didn’t correct me but when I looked again it was highly probable she was just having the same problem as me in the “extra pouch” department.

London Underground has started a button campaign that pregnant women can wear which announces their state to everyone & will give them “power” to boot anyone out of their seats. But it didn’t catch on. Women today are too proud. And most critics said it was too condescending to women. Oh well. Good intentions, bad move.

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My son, my son.

The light of my life made me really proud today & he doesn’t even know it. I’ve known Mother’s Pride since I gave birth. I know my son is special & he can be really cute & handsome. I am also aware he’s smart for his age… Ok Ok please let me go on. He’s my son! hehe

We arrived 10 minutes before the Nursery’s official opening time. We went to the reception instead, to escape from the freezing morning air. Sister Margaret arrived at the same time. She’s really nice, she knows all the kids in the nursery, as in individually not just by face. That’s no mean feat as there are least 50 kids at any given day.

Anyway it was too early and the staff were just having a morning chat. pogiBoy, my boy, was looking around the place & was pointing to statues & other bric-a-bracs. Then I heard Sr. Margaret talking to one staff about pogiBoy. She said (verbatim) “…he’s a really bright boy, at his age less than 2, you can tell. He’s always playing with puzzles & he puts the pieces in the right shapes…” At that point you can probably tell I was floating & beaming.

My son, my hero.

The “westerners” (i.e. europeans & north americans) always, always go for small talk when we bump into them. On weekdays at the water cooler the typical opener is “How are you?”. You’re expected to respond with “great, blah… and you?” then you go your separate ways.

Ah but on Monday morning or after a long weekend, the opener is “How was your weekend?” (On Fridays after work, the pub talk starts with “any plans for the weekend?”. The answers to this question are varied, it can be a curt “It wasn’t bad, you?” to a long retelling of what fish they caught or movies they saw. Me, my favorite answer before was “it was very relaxing”.

Pre-baby, my weekend ritual was to breeze thru housework, finish whatever I was reading during the week, watch telly AND spend hours & hours relaxing. I take long baths complete with bubble bath, oils, salts & candles to finish my aromatherapy. I spend weekend time on myself. It’s even better if my husband is off-duty on weekends. We give each other massages & I get him to give me a foot spa!

Two-years after my little boy and I can only sigh. With a toddler in the house, there is no relaxing. Not even during his naps, the only time I can fit in some housework. One- to two-hours of washing dishes and cooking meals/merienda, loading the laundry & ironing the clothes. And of course weekend is family time. We go out, we play in the park, do family things.

I cannot contemplate taking out my foot spa materials, it will attract my son like a fruit to a fly. Aromatherapeutic baths? Well if you count playing in the bath with my son, then yes, I still do that. I can’t even go to the loo alone now.

For what it’s worth, I love the weekends even more. Sure there’s less ‘me’ time, but there’s more ‘love’ time.

What can be more distressing than seeing your child is in pain and you’re powerless to help?

Last night my toddler choked on his meal and the whole family descended on him. I thought a fishbone got lodged in his throat. I wanted to put my index finger in his mouth and force him to regurgitate, but I’ve been growing my nails & feared I might scratch his throat. My husband did it for us. Out came everything my son ate but no sign of bone. He was crying his eyes out & to me it sounds like he’s hurting and he’s in pain.

I didn’t know what to do. Where the hell is mother’s instinct? Am I not supposed to suddenly get a rush & know whatever medical manoeuvre available for these situations? Nope, I had none of that. Common sense, I’ve always agreed and affirmed, is the rarest breed of all.

After the bone search, I took my son’s shirt off and cuddled him. He was still upset & crying. By this time I know I’m such a loser. My husband’s disapproving glare seem to confirm what a failure I was/am.

I decided to show my son the mirror & make funny noises & faces at him, he loves play-acting in front of the mirror. Lo & behold he laughed. Another minute and he’s fully-recovered. A ton of blocks were lifted from my chest. He finished his dinner whilst sitted on my lap. The rest of the night went smoothly.

This is the second “motherhood” episode I will never forget. I panicked. I pitied & still pity myself. I have no belief in my own strength. I am loser. But you know what? I love my son and I know life is a learning experience. I know that I will do my best not to let him down – ever.