Same old excuse… Busy, too tired, too lazy… Whatever. The point is I’ve neglected my hobby. I do wish someone could invent a way to have those dictate-machine to convert entries to word processors.

There are so many things happening around me that I do want to talk or rant about. Like the fascit party BNP leader’s appearance in Question Time. Or why I am again looking around for work.

But heck, I’ve been itching to blog about my life.

My teammate is gone & is now on maternity leave. Even before she left I have been mulling over the idea of having another child. I’m in my early 30’s. I’m probably the only one in my family that can have another child. And pogiBoy’s been asking for a baby since before he turned 4 and he’s now 5!

It was disappointing to see hubby struggle with the idea. He wanted to be keen & pretended to want the same, but I know & I can feel that he’s not convinced. In the bedroom, he didn’t show his hesitation. He almost fooled me, I was suddenly scared to get pregnant & we’ve not really discussed the future logistics yet.

A few days after, bang! The pretence started to unravel. Hubby became irritable, sullen, withdrawn… AY NAKU! PWEDE BA?!

Our first 3-years as parents started replaying in my head. Sorry, but OMG! I can’t go through that anymore. I cannot possibly sustain a more demanding job, being a parent  to a schoolage boy, and an anchor for a flailing husband.

Di bale nang maging solong anak si pogiBoy.

I told hubby to stop pretending & enough with the illusion he’s trying to paint for me. I wouldn’t want a pet if it means I’m going to lose my mind again. Does he think I’d want to destroy my figure again?! However I may look now, I still prefer this than what it was 4-years ago.

I already have peace-of-mind, I got my groove back, my pogiBoy is independent. Honestly, I ask, is becoming broody worth having all those taken away?

It’s sad though. All these money concerns, which is really the main reason why hubby hesitates, they will never go away. That’s the joke. It’s always been the case even before pogiBoy came to being.

I don’t really know what the difference is & how he cannot see why I find his reaction ridiculous.

On a semi-positive note…

I was freaking out the other night. I wanted to rip someone’s head off & unfortunately, I was at home. I don’t remember if this episode was related to the offspring-craving.

Anyway, I was mean to my boys.

Later on I apologized to pogiBoy. After the hug I asked him if he can forgive me.

What he said made me cry.

“But mum, I have already forgiven you.”

Truly unconditional. I hope I can be a better mum to my only child.

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image: http://www.stockvault.net/

Rizal isn’t really my hero. But since he is the national hero of Pinas, well I have no choice ‘eh?

I got this fab shirt during our holiday. I forgot the name of the shop but it’s wonderful. Sobrang tuwa ko nga, pinigil ko lang sarili kong magshopping nang sobra. Pinoy pop-culture at its best.

There was one shirt that said “Sana sa Crisis” he he Ironic kung yun ang binili nang pinsan ko. Yes, nilibre lang ako.

I don’t know how much it cost, but the shirt is really worth it. Quality make and it’s cotton, sarap sa balat. Ganda pa nang fit.

Now this the work of my real hero. pogiBoy’s been consistently asking for a baby since last year.

While waiting for dinner he drew the picture above. He said it’s mummy and pogiBoy walking hand-in-hand in the park. I asked him what the shirt designs were and he said “no, mum, that’s a baby in your tummy“.

I looked closer, aba e baby nga! :-D

When we went to Pinas, he’d cosy up to me whenever I’m holding a baby. Touching and kissing and asking to hold them.

Yes we know. He is ready and has been ready in the last two years.

Last year I wasn’t too keen on having another child. Talagang traumatized pa ko. But I’ve been warming to the idea, especially on our return from Pinas.

If only the situation was different! We’ll see next year…

Around November-December of last year, pogiBoy started telling me and his dad stories about this boy in his nursery. In his halting speech, he would explain that Bamboo hits him or pushes him or smacks him. At first we didn’t want to read too much into it knowing how kids can sometimes play rough and that some toddlers still don’t know how to share. Maybe it’s harmless.

We spoke to his main keyworker and she assured us that they will keep a closer watch on the boys.

2 January, pogiBoy was back in nursery and the first thing he told me and his dad after school was “Bamboo hit me again”.  I  have not even asked him how his day was. This time the nursery manager spoke to us to assure us that they are taking this seriously. She felt, like us, it could just be boys you know playing rough.

Then last week I dropped pogiBoy off and I was waiting for another mummy when I happened to look inside their room again. What did I see? pogiBoy was with 3 other kids from his room and they were laughing then this Bamboo reached out and punched my son on the chest!

(more…

Have you seen the film “One Fine Day” with Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney? It’s a feel-good romcom. Not great, but not bad either. I was already a mum when I saw that film & the biggest thing that struck me was Michelle’s bag.

It was huge. At one point in the film, she produced a zip-lock plastic with her son’s toy cars. The toy cars sealed a contract for the firm she works for as the cars provided some focal point in her building (?) model.

When I was single, my bag was an accessory. True, I was a girlscout & you can find most things you’d need in my bag. But the bags were stylish & petite. Since becoming a mum, my bags went from medium size to combat-ready-size.

I carry less stuff now that pogiBoy is nappy-free but I still need an extra shirt, some wipes, food, juice, and other munitions to keep him amused whenever we go out. So rather than go thru the trouble of re-organising my bag-containers, I just keep that huge bag & use it all week (or month at work). Imagine what I look like when I’m also lugging a laptop & struggling to stay upright in the Tube.

Anyway, you know what they say when some people are given storage, we find ways to fill it to the brim? It’s 100% true for me.

So my daily bag is filled with my packed lunch’s container, scarf, gloves, makeup bag (that I rarely use), papers, clips, band-aids, mints, moleskin, pen, map, train schedule, etc etc.

The laptop bag? I manage to fill that with my water bottle, papers from work, mouse, arm brace, and every now & again, stuff for pogiBoy. See below.

okay that’s my lunch “box”

See now that’s how you balance your work and family commitments. Use everything at your disposal, no matter how heavy. Afterall, when you’re in love the weight drops off the scale.

Dear friend,

Nung weekend para kong may flu dahil sa severe symptoms ng hay fever. Di ako makakilos, even combing my hair was a huge effort as my scalp felt really tender. Then the limited breathing. Maaawa ka sa akin, I was breathing through my mouth for 2 days!!! There were times I really felt like dying. I felt guilty too that I couldn’t play with pogiBoy properly. Talagang telly-time lang sya. Friday night I planned on taking him to the town fair and even to the cinema, I didn’t count on my “enemy” arriving on Saturday morning. KAINIS.

This morning when I was about to leave for work, hubby said pogiBoy has temp last night. I felt my stomach lurch. If pogiBoy is not better this evening that will mean one of us will have to take a leave of absence. And that thought made me feel worse because ideally when pogiBoy has a temp, we let him stay at home for 2 days. But if we keep on doing that & he gets fever at least once a month, that would mean our work-attendance will be blatantly pockmarked.

Nakakaloka.

I really hope pogiBoy recovers today. I blame the stupid weather… Come on sky, where’s our Summer sun & warmth?!

As for me, it looks like I will have to wait a little longer for the hay fever vaccine to become available in the UK. Crap.

So how was your weekend again?

Lovingly yours,
me

I am from an OFW family. Tatay left for Saudi when I was 6-7 years old. He retired when I was 16 and about to leave for college. To say that I didn’t really know him until then was an understatement. It was a shock to both of us. I knew then that I don’t ever want to break up my family for an overseas work. It’s all of us or nothing.

But I ate my words. We left our 1 month old baby in the care of my parents. I agreed with hubby when he said we need to recoup, sort out our mortgage and take pogiBoy back after a year. We were in pain, but I knew it was the right decision. Perhaps to justify it even further, I know a lot of Pinoys were doing the same thing. Still it hurt though when people openly criticise our decision, as if they can help us with childcare. I have to put on a brave face in every gathering. I cannot show that I cry at night or on the bus on the way home to an empty house. I cannot tell anyone that I want to kill myself on my son’s first Christmas because we’re not together. I have to be brave & strong for us.

When my son was nearly one, we went home to bond with him & prepare him for the flight back. I cannot tell you the emotions that surged through me when I first saw him at NAIA. But I can tell you the pain that ripped hubby & I many times when he won’t come near us. For three days we endured sleepless nights because he won’t go to sleep when we try to put him to bed. He’d wake up several times at night asking for his Lola. We nearly gave up when pogiBoy lost his voice from too much crying. Finally on the fourth day he became used to me. He allowed me to give him a bath without a fight. We went to bed with no problem & he slept soundly next to Daddy & myself.

Our flight back to England was wonderful. Arriving home he immediately settled in. On his first week here he even managed to walk on his own! Wala na kasing karga ng karga. He was always smiling. He always wakes up in a happy mood. I was in Heaven.

Then reality arrived soon enough. The first 2 weeks of nursery was pretty bad. But that wasn’t the problem, he got sick too often. I think he caught everything that every kid in their room have. For the 6 months that we paid for his place, he probably spent just 3 months of it in there. We were constant visitors to the GP and the A&E (i.e. ER). It was a struggle to keep him “plump” as he’d lose weight the instant he falls sick. Hubby & I rotated our absences from work. Sometimes I manage to work from home. But still we never felt like giving up to send him back to Pinas. No. He will stay with us, we’re happy, he’s happy.

Then I received a call from one of my sisters. It is expected that they will worry about pogiBoy but her words were “napapabayaan nyo na ang bata, dapat hindi trabaho ang inuuna nyo“. To be accused of neglect by other people is bad enough but my own family? I just dropped the call. Our oldest sister called to explain that the words didn’t come out right. I think they did. I didn’t talk to ditse for a while but I do know she had only the best intentions for her nephew.

Hubby & I were killing ourselves taking care of our son. We were looking at all sorts of avenue to get him seen by the right people. We were spending serious money on his health & his care. We are good parents to our son. He stays in the nursery because that is the reality here in England. We don’t have a Lola to rely on. We are doing our best, no one can say otherwise.

These days pogiBoy is thriving. He’s been with his current nursery for over a year. He’s developing well even given his persistent glue ear. We managed to take a break in Pinas in 2006 & this time around, he wouldn’t go near his Lola & aunties, but only for a few hours.

It seems like all those hurt happened a long time ago. It’s funny because it’s only been three (3) years.

If I could be half as good as my Nanay in being a mother and a third as good at being a wife, I will be the luckiest & happiest person on Earth.

She is selfless. She always sees the good in people. She thinks everyone is pretty especially if they are kind. She is kind to a fault. She readily forgives. She is made of steel but is soft & sweet like a marshmallow.

My Nanay’s attained “just” gradeschool education. But she is the wisest woman I know. Her words ring true and they’re meant to strengthen me when I’m flailing. Her words endure and they’re meant to guide me when I’m lost.

Nanay is a feminist. She told me once that women’s issues need to be heard in government. The labour parties have enough representation, she told me to support women’s & children’s causes instead. Why didn’t I think of that?

My Nanay doesn’t know how to use the computer so she will never get to read this online. I miss her everyday these last 6-7 years, her cooking, her hug, her smile.

So when you visit your moms this Sunday, give them a tighter hug & double kisses on both cheeks. The extra will be for us who can only call home.

Happy Mother’s Day to all!

We attended a Pinoy neighbour’s 7th birthday party. He’s a nice kid & his sister is even nicer. They’re always gentle with my toddler so I’m happy to get off my son’s back & leave him in their care.

The boys started to tease the girls by invading the sister’s room, where the nice-smelling girls were grooming each other. The boys on the other hand were all sweaty & when I checked their room I got out immediately. The smell was too overwhelming, magkasamang pawis at init. Anyway, the girls took pogiBoy & he was only too happy to “guard” their door against the invading forces. They played for hours.

On the way home, hubby told me that when he checked on pogiBoy, the birthday boy told him “Tito, kakampi namin si pogiBoy, spy sya sa girls kasi may special powers sya!” Powers? They call him “Super Laway“. Kawawa naman anak ko. He was dribbling excessively that his chest was so wet, forming an “S” (like superman’s) on his shirt.

Tawa kami ng tawa. Mga bata talaga… At least di sila nandiri & my son loved being part of the game. I loved it, too.

Last night, I was trying on the clothes I bought online last weekend. My son was watching me very intently because I was parading back and forth our mirror and he’s so excited by colourful parcels I keep throwing on the bed.

When I tried on a monochrome tunic, his face lit up. I asked him if it was nice and he said “yeah”. Sa isip isip ko siguro nase-seksihan sa mummy nya. Then I stripped and tried on a cropped denim. He suddenly said “bigger”, confused I asked my 2-year old what he said and again he said “bigger”… Now ewan ko kung ano ibig nyang sabihin or nakakabasa ng isip ang anak ko pero I can only imagine him thinking “her bum looks bigger in this”…

This morning, I took my fave jeans out of the hanger. I haven’t used this pair for 3 weeks, lo and behold OMG I can hardly close the button & zip up!!! And I thought cutting out the rice at night was enough to at least not gain anymore. Yun pala tama ang anak ko “bigger” nga.

I whipped out the measuring tape which I haven’t used on my body for at least 2 years. I checked my waist, I checked several times. It was 32, well 31 if I suck in the fats hanging around. Then I measured my hips, wow 36, I can’t help but laugh. I still remember when I was 16 y/o my waist was just 24in. When I went home (Pinas) last April, my waist was just 28in, that’s when I bought my nice pair of jeans.

Anyway, I am squeezed into this pair of jeans. I will be all day and night if I don’t manage to take it off.