Daming nangyari. My toddler turned two, we went back to Pinas, we went back to London, and now I’m back to work.

I’ve had “crying freeman” moments with my husband, with my nanay, with my sisters and with my self.

There were so many time when I was telling myself I’ll be okay while wiping my tears & snot, that I paused and wished I have a laptop so I can type my emotions away.

There were moments when I felt so little and inadequate which “homecoming” seem to do to me every time. I become the kid sister who knows nothing about life, I morph to a little whimpering girl. At least to my family’s eyes I’m always their bunso. So some of them can’t hold their tongue & really feel they need to tell me to prioritise my son; to look after his health as he’s becoming too sickly, as if my husband & I aren’t moving heaven and earth to give our son the best care in this world. When I replied (one time) to remind a sensitive soul that I don’t need reminding as I am the mother & though I don’t want my son to get sick, it can’t be helped; that even if I don’t want him to stay in a nursery, I need to work. The next thing I knew I was being told not be too defensive. OH COME ON!

The continuing saga with my inlaws ended with them hanging up on me when I called. Sorry but all I can say is “ang bastos naman”. As far as I’m concerned I’ve done my part. That’s it. No more in-laws.

Before I even contacted those oldies I tried getting in touch with the half-brother-in-law. I was told “they said they’re not in”. Oooh what a classic mistake(?). To get involved in something they’ve nothing to do with is… low. Where did all the “pakikisama” I’ve done gone? Thru the window apparently.

The holiday I was supposed to spend wasn’t much of a holiday. I fleeted between hospitals-clinics-dentists the whole time. So obviously spent a lot of money there. Hopefully money well-spent, but not on what I wanted (i.e. liposuction?).

Now with everything that’s transpired between me and my husband’s kin, we’d need to talk about a lot of things. Two weeks on and we still haven’t had the time to discuss anything. We’re tip-toeing around each other & we’re totally skipping that subject. When I broached it last week, he wasn’t too keen to listen. We’ll try again.

A lot of friends have been separating with partners left & right, in Pinas and here in London. I hope we don’t come to that. Aside from inlaws of course we fight about other things & it does get to me. For me all the “problems” we’re facing are minor as long as we stick together, we stand as one & make our love a priority. Unfortunately, to act and behave like reasonable, mature people is more difficult in practice. Our marriage is still young & maybe the honeymoon period is over. But I hope our relationship withstands whatever is coming our way & that we weather what we’re facing now.

When 2006 arrived I told myself I’ll be married for 5 years in March. Then “the” day arrived & I just totally forgot! I was so wrapped up in my tiny world of work & my toddler’s tantrums I didn’t even get my husband a card.

He arrived near midnight & when he tried to gently wake me up with a kiss, I nearly gobbled him with disturbed-sleep’s anger. Ang sweet ko ‘no? When I got up I saw a silver package on another pillow & then it hit me, ngek anniversary pala namin! I hang my head in shame.

We’re not rich so the gift wasn’t expensive or glamorous or extraordinary. But my husband’s gesture & his effort to be better at this relationship-building thing is priceless.

I know we still have a lot of growing up to do even if we’re already in our late 20’s. Sabi nga marami pa kaming kakaining bigas. So my wish for our anniversary is that our bond to become stronger, that our patience, respect & love for another keep us together for the rest of our lives.

My son sleeps next to either my husband or me. He has his own room, complete with wardrobes, a bed, sidetable with a Disney character lamp &, of course, his toys & books. But my husband doesn’t want him to sleep alone until he’s 4 y.o. (anyway since my inlaws are here they use my son’s room instead).

Anyway if it’s my shift, then my hubby gets a blanket & the floor, if it’s his night then I get the floor. But more & more, whenever I’m on the bedroom floor, I still wake up at 5-530am. My son climbs down the bed & nudges me or jumps on me or simply lies down next to me. When I’m on the bed with him, he does the same thing anyway. He’ll either wake me up gently or will start lifting/poking at my eyelids. He never does it to his dad. It’s like he doesn’t care where dad is, he wants mum to WAKE UP!

Either my husband is totally oblivious & never notices these events or he’s secretly enjoying his extended sleep time. It bothers me because (a) it’s unfair that I’m always tired & don’t get enough sleep; and (b) because my son isn’t that “attached” to his dad. I keep telling hubby to set aside more playtime with our son & just be all out silly & make him laugh. At least now when hubby reads the bedtime stories he tries to do the “voices”.

I enjoy my son’s devotion & attention. I love the fact that when he hurt himself he asks me to kiss his boo-boo. I love my son to bits & I wish I could stay at home & just look after him. But I can’t. I’m a working mum & I get tired & I need rest & I need time to myself as would any normal person. So when I’m in a foul mood or when I’m sick, I really wish my husband would make that little effort to keep our son’s attention.

So my in-laws are here & it’s like every nightmare I’ve had has come to life. They’re jet lagged. After cleaning up after my son, my husband & ourselves, I noticed my nanay-in-law sitting in the lounge trying to stay focused on “Princess Diaries”. I told her to lie down & rest. She immediately concurred as if it’s something she never thought of. Now, where was my tatay-in-law? He was in the bedroom happily snoring us to death.

Then it dawned on me, their relationship has always been like that. You know like “tulog-na-ko-di kita-aayain-bahala-ka-sa-buhay-mo” type. As in. I’ve seen it time & again, I just never put two-&-two together. There was a time a long time ago that Tatay brought Nanay to Manila & told her to climb the heady-heights of the MRT eventhough she was panting to death. Then there was Nanay, whom I keep asking to teach Tatay to use our super-hitech percolator. She insists he ought to know (though I just showed it to her too), then an hour later Tatay asks “pano magpakulo ng tubig?” with his grating waray accent (no offence to all warays). The worst to me was the night they arrived. They landed at 7pm but got home at near 10pm. I have some soup ready, hello it’s winter. I told Tatay to call Nanay & get take some soup as I clean my toddler’s bottles. What did he say? “Ah busog na yun“. Oookkaaayy. I mean less dish to clean ‘eh? Then who asks for food an hour later?? I told her she’s supposed to be full and she nonchalantly says she hardly touched her plane-fare.

It’s not that they don’t love each other. I’m sure they do. They’re just… weird? Unemotional? Too practical? Too unromantic? Too uncaring? Maybe. But what scares me is my persistent & nagging complaint to my husband. Malambing sya but there is something lacking. I have to tell him what to do, what I’d what to happen, where I want to go, things like that… do you get the picture? Sure he’s a good husband, does his share & all. He’s a good father. He tries but still fall waaayyy short. Maybe I’m just expecting too much — you know, decent meals out are so precious these days. Or even a surprise night out. Or even a backrub offer. Heck I’d settle for a foot massage!

I’m a miserable person, aren’t I? I ask for the impossible. If the man grew up with people who hardly looks at each other with affection, how can I expect him to know what it is? Egad! What have I gotten myself into?

Can I train him? Do I have the energy & patience? Moreover, do I want to? Who knows maybe I can live without whatever-it-is-I’m-missing. If I can’t, I can always blame the in-laws.