I came home late yesterday as has been the case since the start of 2008. Kelvin was still wide awake and was bouncing up and down when I came in the door. He looked at his dad with a knowing smile and asked him “How about upstairs, Dad?”

Hubby nodded his approval and Kelvin led me upstairs all the while shouting “Close your eyes, mum!!”

He switched on the lights in the room and shouted “Surprise! Happy birthday, mummy!”

Of course, it wasn’t my birthday. It is our 7th Wedding Anniversary this coming Sunday and hubby thoughtfully prepared the surprise in advance. He’s working on the 23rd.

I was so surprised I thought I forgot our anniversary again! Hubby’s trying to make up for his behaviour on Mothering Sunday. And it did hit the right spot. I got a bag to boot! The tag on the card says “… shopping ka na mummy, lipat ko na savings natin sa card mo?…” Loko talaga.

He also wrote his most open and heartfelt letter to me. I guess I was so happy he finally admitted his weaknesses and pride that I ended up crying buckets of tears.

I do love my family so much. They’re my treasure and strength and they’re the reason I keep getting up in the morning to work & persevere.

Marriage can be a bitter pill to swallow. After 7 years I can’t say I’ve enjoyed the entirety of the ride. A lot of times I’ve been tempted to jump ship. But Love can overcome anything, I know.

I have been dating hubby for 4 years before we got married and we have been married for 5 years. In all of those 9 years here are some oustanding memories I have of him.

OUR FIRST DATE. When he ordered his soda of choice, he said “rot ber” (i.e. root beer). I realised he is Bisaya, and my first thought was “wow he’s really afront about it, not shy (ashamed) at all”. Later on, when I told him how impressed I was back then, I was in for a shock! He was indignant and insisted he has no Bisaya accent at all. Worse, he now claims it’s because of me that he now has one. WHAT?

SECURE. He’s not the jealous-type. In fact, he likes it when I get looks from other guys. When we were dating, he would actually tell me to make “pa-cute” (how do I translate this??) as someone’s checking me out. When I asked him about this attitude (perversion?) he said he feels proud that his gf/wife is pretty & attractive <- his words not mine, I swear!

MEETING THE FAMILY. He insisted on meeting my parents. He accompanied me to Nueva Ecija. Perhaps sensing I really don’t want to introduce him to my family, he arrived at the bus station 2 hours earlier than myself.

GOD-FEARING. I was an occasional Catholic, meaning I go to church only during certain events. Sometimes I do hear Sunday mass. But hubby made sure I attend to my spiritual needs, too. He’d pick me up on Sundays or after work to do novena’s. He’d insist we pray together. And now he’s the one who taught Kelvin the Guardian Angel Prayer and some additional praises & supplications. I have a better relationship with God because of my husband.

OC. He used to clean his room endlessly and it used to drive me up the wall. In the morning, he’d sweep the floor and dust everything in sight, then he’d do the same ritual before going to bed! I was hoping he’d keep that habit, but unfortunately he chose to copy me and relax more. Pity.

WORST REACTION. He was keen on starting a family. He was eager to get married and was excited about me getting off the pill. But on the day I showed him my pregnancy tests (yup, all three of them), his first reaction was “Negative?” with a sheepish smile. I was expecting him to immediately jump up & down, not stand there looking confused. When I told him I was preggers, he was speechless, then he kissed me, and next day, he gave me two more test kits, you know just to be sure… yup he’s really OC.

BEST REACTION. He cried when I gave birth, he cried again when he first saw Kelvin. He also cried when he saw my CS scars.

Hubby is far from perfect, but so am I. I thank God for giving me the best person in the world to accompany me in my lifetime.

I’m not sure if he actually reads this blog in-between surfing for Manchester United, just in case though,

About 8 years ago, a first time mum confessed to me that she was turned off by sex immediately after giving birth. She says she’s terrified of getting pregnant again. Since the husband doesn’t want her taking pills as she “may gain weight”, my friend resorted to having injectables without telling the guy.

Back then I was single & I couldn’t comprehend how someone can lose interest in sex just like that. Childbirth must be bloody painful, I thought.

Fast forward & I gave birth to a boy on 2004. It was via caesarian & there was no labour pain as it was a scheduled delivery. Hubby & I slept together, I think, a week after. At the back of my mind, I was thanking God I didn’t lose my sex drive like my friend.

Then tragedy, after a month, I can’t bear hubby’s touch. My skin felt too sensitive. Hubby would kiss my shoulders and I’d be cringing. I couldn’t bear the ticklish sensation.

Sex became a burden for me. I didn’t enjoy it anymore. I kept spurning hubby’s advances. It came to the point that we just do it 3 times a month! Poor hubby, but poorer me.

At first I attributed it to childbirth. Perhaps my decreased libido was a common “side-effect” of pregnancy. But I couldn’t find any evidence to support that assumption.

Looking at my life in the last 3 years, we can easily find out why I had no enthusiasm in bed. We left my son with my parents when he was just one month old (a painful decision I will talk about later). Then we took on a mortgage which went terribly wrong because of stupid Nationwide advisor. I then moved to a better paying job but lost my supportive boss & was replaced with a far-from-supportive manager. We brought our son to England on his 1st bday & struggled with hubby to adjust to overseas life with child & no househelp. I endured the first 6 months in nursery of a constantly sick child which resulted in me taking many days off from work which gave me a sickening feeling, too. I had my parents over here in the hopes that they will at least stay a year, but they could only take 3 months of London. We replaced them with my inlaws and that made my life nearly unbearable. From 2005 to 2006, the only thing constant with my exchanges with hubby are reminders. These are all just family matters. I was stressed period.

On the physical aspect, there was me. Not wanting to spend on myself, not wanting to waste food, not wanting to spend time on myself — I looked like a freaking blimp. I shopped for Kelvin’s shoes and clothes. I ate their leftovers. I don’t want to exercise or put on make up or do my hair, because those take time away from the “important” things I should be doing like cooking, preparing my son for bed/going-out, or just sleep & rest! Then of course, I felt depressed every time I look at myself, making me feel very un-sex-y.

Near end of 2006, I wanted changes. I want changes at work or I’m out. I want hubby & I to mature & improve our relationship, or I’m out. I want to look good & feel better about myself. After a while things started to improve. By December hubby & I were convinced everything will be okay. We can manage our affairs a lot better. But it’s not improving in the bedroom.

At the start of 2007, I found a better workplace. I am also on a makeover warpath. Recently I have been feeling more “up to it”. Perhaps it’s because I’m more positive now? Or could it be down to the nuts & avocado’s I have been eating due to my South Beach Diet?

Whatever the reason, I’m just glad the bitch is back!

Two things went very wrong today which marred the beauty of Friday.

While waiting for my train in our car, I told hubby that his auntie seems to think we’re the same dress size. Albeit we have the same problem that is we’ve gained weight we’re unable to shift. Of course I didn’t say outright I’m offended, do I have to? Instead I asked hubby pointedly

So what does my hubby do? He stayed quiet for a good minute when I was eagerly waiting. I turned to him & saw his face was contorted in DEEP thought. Finally I said “well??” And the cat jumped out of the bag & scratched me in the face. He said he doesn’t think his auntie is fat. And like a “get out clause” in a contract, he said he cannot clearly picture our bodies side-by-side. That perhaps we ought to weight ourselves & see. I said my weight has been 60Kgs & hasn’t changed for the last 6 years (pregnancy and all). I said what we need is BMI which is more accurate (or even Volume Mass Index which they say now is better). To which he said “yes” perhaps hoping his nightmare is over. But I insisted wanting to hear salvation from his mouth. So he sallied forth with such gusto & told me that actually my thighs look bigger & that my upper arms (which I’m SSOOO sensitive about) are also bigger than this woman who happen to be his bloody relation.

What the heck am I going to say? I said “hell no!” I refuse to believe that her auntie can even fit her calf into the trousers I’m wearing today. Then I moved to get out & told him my train’s coming. ABA! After his declaration he was expecting me to give him a goodbye kiss?? EGAD! MEN!

Of course I’ve asked for it, it’s my fault & I shouldn’t blame him… but I’m petty okay?! And I haven’t completely forgiven him for what he did the other day… TSE!

Now on the train my reminder went off. It’s my niece’s birthday which means it’s our wedding anniversary today!!! OMG! How could I have forgotten? And how come I have no reminder for that? And why did HE forget? Uy another ammunition for me later. But the thing is he’s on shift tonight and will not be home until I’m snoring loudly. It will have to wait tomorrow, oh wait he will be off to work very early. Sunday then…

Who cares?! The point is I forgot, too. Scary.

It used to be worse than this but then we didn’t have a child. I’d leave at 7am, come home at 7pm. Six years ago he was still a junior nurse and he’d be given night shifts. It means if this is first night, then I just might catch him at the door, him going out, I just arrived. The following morning, I’d be gone when he comes home. If he’s on night for several days the scene I just described will repeat itself again and again.

Now, we’re both very tired from work. He’s a senior staff and is often in-charge of their ward. I’m managing (trying to) a test team from officially 9am to 530pm, which in reality is from the time I leave the house (7am) to the time I leave the office (6pm, on average) & some weekends, some work-related readings at night etc. And since we’re getting old and we do lack exercise, our bedtime has can be 9pm or 8pm. We’re both up by 6am, otherwise our son will start fussing.

We are with each other for 30 minutes in the morning and for 2-3 hours at night, from Monday to Friday, whether its his day off or not. On weekends, I get to spend as much time with my son as possible. I’d let him stay up late (i.e. 9pm) at times. But with hubby, it’s a different story. His weekend off’s are so few and far between, I’d come to cherish it. I’d look forward to it and wish that we have money to spare so we can always throw caution to the wind and just enjoy the 48 hours we’ve been given. But reality is, we’ve got a lawn that needs mowing, he’s tired and wants to sleep longer in the morning and some more in the afternoon. We’d cuddle and snore together, and that’s it most of the time.

I miss having time for each other when life was simpler and we’ve got nothing. No land deeds, no savings account (we still don’t by the amount that’s there), no son. But then we’d end up tired anyway but without our joy.

We need to take a LOOONNGGG break. A month or two with no work, no plans, no one to see, nothing to do. We’ll just hang with each other. Take long walks. See a film, play pool. Swim. Relax. Cuddle. Kiss. Stay in bed naked.

Maybe next year.

Hubby’s birthday on Sunday. Una sabi nya mag-La Tasca na lang daw kami. Okay naman sa akin dahil masarap naman talaga ang tapas dun plus child friendly ang service nila nung kumain kami duon. So yes we can come back.

Kaya lang na-mention ko na birthday na nga pala ni kulit next month. Kako kung sa bahay ang party, dapat mag-book na kami ng catering (dahil ayoko nang magluto para sa buong barrio) at ng entertainment (clown? magician? face painting? o rent na lang ng bouncy castle?). Dahil wala kaming idea sa mga presyo nito I mentioned a rounded figure of £400. Natingin sa akin si hubby nanlalaki ang mata! (I like his astounded look)

Mag-Pizza Hut kiddie party na lang daw kaya kami? Veto ako, sabi ko baka walang dumayo sa Essex para lang mag-pizza. Saka ayoko talaga, mana pa kung Jollibee yun!

So this Sunday, pupunta kami ng Colchester Zoo. I really like this idea. Una dahil gusto ko naman mag-enjoy talaga ang bebe ko. Pangalawa gusto ko yung may activity ang mga bata hindi kainan lang. Pangatlo outdoor pa sya. At ang huli, yung close friends lang namin ang iimbitahan namin. Marami-rami pa din sa totoo lang pero dahil lang maraming anak yung isang pamilya. 10 kids lang, tatlo e below 2 years old pa. Yung malaking pamilya e 4 agad ang anak na puro mga close naman namin. Anim na pamilya kami. Ang makakabigat sa bulsa palagay ko e yung bayad ng adults. Pano ko ba sasabihin na “pwede ba mare, ikaw lang sumama?” or better yet say something like, “pare wag na kayong sumama ni mare at kami ng mag-asawa ang magsu-supervise sa mga bata”… aay palpak di ba? Ang gastos. Malamang bawasan ko pa din yang mga bisita na yan na alam kong mahirap gawin.

Anyway balik tayo sa original topic ko, magiging scouting ang birthday celebration ng asawa ko. Kelangang matuloy yan dahil wala na syang weekend off. At sana e wag umulan.

He’s turning 34 at sa totoo lang e napaka-conscious. Di ko na alam kung ilang beses ko na narinig sa kanya ang “ang tanda na ng mukha ko”. Gusto kong sakalin e. Sabi ko magpa-Botox na sya hehe

Mababaw lang kaligayahan naming mag-asawa. Maski nung nagd-date pa lang kami pareho kaming di mahilig sa magagarbong lugar. As long as the music is good, the beer is flowing, okay na kami. We don’t hang in Makati or Ortigas too much, the crowd’s too hypocritical. That was our opinion, or maybe we just felt out of place.

Instead we go to Manila, Malate was our favorite place. We just hop from bar to bar. Di pa nga kilala yung iba. Minsan dinadayo naman yung restaurant sa tapat ng PGH (i forgot the name), we always go for the grilled squid and the chocolate milkshake. On Thursday, we go to novena for St Jude (malapit sa Malacañang) & after mass, we stop by the streetfood vendors. Matakaw ako dyan, kumakain kami ng kwek-kwek, bituka, fried bituka… Ang ayaw nyang ipakain sa akin yung dugo. Gross ba?

I love those times.

Ang luho lang naman namin talaga e pagkain. We love trying all sorts of restaurants. Hanggang ngayon tuloy habit na namin magbasa ng mga restaurant reviews, kahit di naman kami lagi nagpupunta.

Things haven’t changed much for us. May anak na kami, may monthly mortgage, maraming bayarin… But we’re still happily simple. Siempre may “illusions of grandeur” din, pero those would often revolve around our dream home in Pinas when we retire, our dream retirement, our son’s future, maybe a future daughter… Mababaw nga e.

Today’s Valentine’s but it’s not something I’d want to celebrate. I keep telling my husband, he should show me his love everyday without fail, not just once a year. At dahil simple nga kami, binigyan ko na lang sya ng £2 pang-kape nung inihatid nya ako kanina. Sabi ko “happy balentayms”, I’m sure touched sya.

The friend whose father just died, gave birth to a boy last night. While we didn’t know yet, hubby casually said that life as you grow older is a plus or minus. True.

Then I called him to tell of the news & when he said he’s going to call our friend, I told him not to as she’s very tired. He goes “why?”…

Yup he’s a plus or minus example too.

Hubby & I were discussing betrayals and how some OAP (old age pensioners) couples we know stay together eventhough a partner has strayed. I ventured that maybe when you grow older, you have suffered hell & back with this person & your “heart of stone” mellows thru the years. Maybe you learn to really forgive & forget.

I can’t imagine myself in that position. It wouldn’t just be a hardblow to anyone, I’m sure for most, our worlds will fall apart. Can I really forgive my hubby his transgression & start anew? Today, I don’t think so. I’m sure my nights would be filled with nightmares, my waking hour filled with questions and my pride would be seriously battered. My self-respect and my respect to my husband would disintegrate & I’d be an embittered woman looking for revenge or at least, looking to hurt someone perhaps even myself.

Then I recently met this “girl” (she’s naive by nature, but I think it’s just a helpless-woman-act). She is so in-love with her husband she’s willing to forgive him anything. All she cares about is they stay together & as long as they have a happy family she can turn a blind eye to his wanderings. She professes to raising their family as God’s army (an oxymoron if your husband is immoral, right?). She just requires him to tell her if there’s a third, or maybe, a fourth or even an nth party in the scene. On the other hand, the husband has been telling her how much he adores her & that he loves here truly but he’s a “genetic womaniser” — he apparently cannot help it & he is bound to hurt her (which implies he hasn’t touched anyone but the wifey).

So from the outset, the husband is warning the wife that he wants to stray but “i’m so inlove with you it might not happen” and the wife is giving him the license to stray but points out “I’m a vulnerable madly-inlove woman you can take advantage of”. Are they doing a perverted dance? Who should win the “Reverse Psychology” tactic of the year award?

They’re weird to me but then maybe I just can’t accept the fact that her tactic is so much better for peace at home & self-preservation. Maybe she has no self-esteem at all or my ego is just so inflated I cannot cope with a personal blow. Should I change tactic? Or should I stop seeing this couple? They’re bad examples.

I am so tired. We’ve been so busy at work for the last 2 weeks I feel like my batteries are drained. I can barely stay awake at 9pm!

We booked a few friends for a BBQ tomorrow during England’s first World Cup match & I am so looking forward to it. True I’ll be tired at the end of day, I will do most of the cooking and preparation but it’s a welcome break after walking like a zombie.

After a gruelling interview today I got a call from hubby who sounded very desperate. He broke the new grass cutter he bought yesterday! Then our old mower broke down. Now he wants to buy a new mower & is ashamed to go back to the store to claim a new grass cutter because he said he was too “stupid” to use it. I calmly laughed it off & told him to just buy a new mower but do get a replacement for the cutter. That his is probably not a unique story as the entire country’s preparing for the biggest barbie of the year!

Then he said we should cancel the bbq altogether because he can’t do it. Do what? Mow the lawn which is just 70 feet long & probably just 12 feet wide. I got pissed. Who the heck is this baby throwing a tantrum for a mistake he’s done? Why am I married to this guy again?