She’s one of the few people who knew the real me. Hindi ko kailangang magpasintabi or mag-alala’ng di nya ko mage-’gets’. There was never a fear of being judged or perceived in the negative. We were always transparent with each other.

The funny thing is aside from my husband, no one else knows we’re really, really good friends. We were buddies but we didn’t have a common set of friends.

We were classmates in only one ComSci subject. We’re from different years/batch. We belong to rival student orgs.

It is amazing that since that lone course-work we remained good friends. We’d meet for dinner after work. We’d call each other. We’d hang out in bars at night. We talk up a storm and we never run out of topics.

I ended up in London and she in Melbourne, and our calls continued but rarely. When we do call though, it’s for at least an hour. When we email it’s kilometric. We give each other “status updates” on our lives, our new problems and dilemmas. Before the “catch you later then” we’d always say “one of these days” we’ll see each other either in Australia or here in London.

We meant it every time. But that day will never come.

The last time I contacted her, it was 3am in Oz and she said I amaze her by always getting in touch when she needed a friend the most. ESP, I joked. She was going thru a breakup, was in-between jobs and was fretting about her ex- wanting custody of her son. We talked for I don’t remember how long.

A few weeks after she called and said she did find a job and is feeling better about everything. I sent her a few materials on SQL and that was it. I got buried under work and family and wanting more time for almost everything that’s happening in my life then up to now.

My family went on holiday and on our arrival the first thing I remember thinking was getting in touch with her. That was 3rd week of September.

I forgot.

This morning a phone alert came up to remind me it’s her birthday. See I am forgetful I rely on automatic reminders.

I sent her a text message when I got in the office at 830am. I didn’t receive a reply but that’s not unusual. I logged in to my Friendster account, which is unusual for me these days, and saw I have messages. One was from someone I didn’t know and the subject was my friend’s name.

I couldn’t believe what I read. I was outraged. It could be a very, very sick joke or someone out to harm my friend.

I called her number, it wasn’t ringing.

The letter said my friend died on the 21st of September. She fell ill the week before and became gradually worse on the 3rd week of last month!

You know what they say, that the worst feeling in the world is thinking of all the “I should have’s” that you didn’t?

I realised today that Gay and I didn’t know each other’s families. We never involved anyone else in our twosome-world. I also realised that out of all those memorable times we spent together, we have no picture of “us”.

People will find it hard to believe we’re really good friends and we affected each other’s lives. I have no proof. I have lots of memories and I guess to old folks like myself, that will do me fine. I know what’s more important is I got to know her and we are friends.

After a lot of calls, I managed to talk to her parents. I just wanted to reach out and let them know how special their daughter is to a stranger (at least to them). That done, I felt better.

So many things are spinning around my head. Family, friends, all of whom are far away from me. I also thought of myself. If I died now, how would my friends know I am dead? I know I’d be gone but I wouldn’t want them to think I blanked them out of my life. I have friends who are like me, in-and-out but with lasting bonds and they will want to know.

I don’t know how to end my post. I just can’t believe that one of the people who brightens my life is no longer here. The world, my world, just became a little grey.

Hubby, his aunt & I were talking about retirement last night. We know of several people, mostly couples, who opted to spend their retirement in Pinas.

My first example is this couple who spent their first year in Pinas, well, spending. They sold their maisonette here in the UK, cashed part of their pensions and proceeded to build what they thought would be their multiple homes. The husband built a house in his hometown in Pangasinan. They also built a house in Tagaytay. Their main residence is Bulacan where they have two houses: one is shared with the woman’s family (everyone pitched in), and the other a 4M house which now stands empty. They returned here last year to everyone’s surprise. I haven’t spoken to them since but I can imagine what happened. Finances aside (the endless spending), they’re bored. Once the houses were built, they have no more project to work on. They missed working. So at the age nearing 70, the woman, I was told, is back in NHS doing “agencies” (replacement nurse). The sad part really is they’re co-habiting with friends as they have nowhere to stay here.

Now we have another couple, originally from Pangasinan, who both worked for the Royal Mail. They received handsome pensions when they opted to retire. They sold their house to their daughter for cheap. In Pinas, we were told, the couple bought a mango orchard with 400 fruit-bearing trees. They also bought a “palaisdaan”. They own a house & lot near the beach where the compound’s neighbour apparently includes Gretchen Barretto. When my friend went to visit them last month, the couple took her & her family to an island via their newly-bought fishing boat. And of course, these retirees have no plans to come visit grey London anytime soon.

Some people have this grand vision that when they retire, they will enjoy doing nothing. But I have yet to see that pan out.

There are so many pitfalls for balikbayans thinking of spending their grey years in Pinas:
- If the person doesn’t have enough money then old age in Pinas will not be kind. Remember old age = aches & pains = high medical bills & maintenance.
- I don’t think anyone will really want a life with nothing to do. Even your closest friend cannot chat with you day-in & day-out.
- Balikbayans are accustomed to work, hardwork even. If they suddenly face what they see as “doña’s life”, they’d go stark raving mad.
- Some balikbayans will not settle to Pinas life anymore. It’s a fact. Yes, you visit once a year, you think you still know the place, but it’s a different story when you’re a permanent resident once more.

Like many other employees, I have designs for my own retirement. I know that to enjoy my retirement in Pinas I need enough money to support myself (& hubby). I have a very long “to do list”. Painting, photography, writing, see Pinas: those are just few of MY wants. But I also want to be able to “give back”. I don’t know how, I don’t know where, but I want to give my time not just money.

Retirement doesn’t mean stagnancy. As proven by Sexy Mom & Annamanila (ok she’s nearly retired), there’s more to life out there. I see it as my freedom to finally do what I want. I’m just hoping I will have enough fuel to sustain me.

Bakit nga ba ko nag-blog? Maraming dahilan. It took a while to do it though.

For years friends are my captive audience. They receive my emails with topics not always limited to “hi, how are you”.

Dahil “OFW” na daw ako, mas dumami ang aking “angst”. Mas madami kong napupuna. Maya’t maya may gusto kong sabihin o pag-usapan pero this time limited na talaga ang audience ko. Afterall hindi naman nag-subscribe sa akin ang mga tao bakit i-spam ko sila ng drama ko.

May mga panahon na sige type na lang ako ala-”Doogie Howser, MD“. Private journal ko na kung kelan ko lang maisipan o kung kelan may oras e nun ako susulat.

Then about 3 years ago I came across an INQ7.net’s article on Mona Veluz’ blog. I knew about blogs but I wasn’t keen on reading them at first. But link after link, I found different sources of information, amusement, relaxation, and release. I was hooked.

My lunchbreak used to be reading the online news in Pinas and UK. I ditched those now. Most times I get my “current events” fix from blogs anyway, plus more! When interested, I read the comments posted & it’s really entertaining to see opinions raised from all corners of the world, granted not always representative of all walks of life.

Like a true newbie, I was a silent stalker at first. My first comments were tentative. I got hooked with 5 blogs (jason, batjay, mona, connie & angel) which I read on a daily basis. I was a starstruck fan & was always very happy when they reply. I kept thinking “uy I got noticed”. Finally I leapt on the bandwagon but with no grand expectation at all, I still don’t have any.

I realised my homesickness, anxiety at work, stress, happiness, my views, everything, I can put on the net. I was not looking to be read or tagged, but at last I found my release.

Joining Pinoymomsnetwork is the best decision I’ve made with regards to my “online life”. I found more interesting blogs. I get tips & good advices, too. Even better, I made new friends. Yes, these are all virtual. But still I’m just really happy to have at least found a forum where I can put my thoughts across & get decent responses back. Something that has been lacking in my life since I’ve moved to London.

Kaya sa mga nagbabasa dito, kahit konti lang kayo, know that I really appreciate it. I enjoy this so much, kaya lang di ako pro-blogger ha. My updates are random & I have no idea what my blog “theme” is. My topics will vary, too.

In any case, kung maubos man ang interest, okay lang din. As long as I can write & I’ve got somewhere to publish it, okay na okay na talaga.

Over the last two years, last few months, we’ve been hearing of friends, distant & close, losing their loved ones. Hubby & I also lost a couple. My lola, his lolo, my brother, his bestfriends dad & maybe in a few months his bestfriend’s mum. The causes are mostly known to them for a time, like Cancer & heart problems but a friend recently lost an 8-yr nephew completely by surprise. He just complained of a sprained ankle then a three days after he turned blue, heart attack killed him.

Then last night we received a call, my son’s godmother’s father passed away while watching the telly. They were just with him a few weeks ago when they went back to Pinas for holiday. Now he’s gone.

I am getting old. The people I knew growing up are getting older. My friends’ parents are dying one-by-one. And of course my parents will perish too. I just hope we have more time to share with them. I hope we don’t have any more “disagreements” when they leave. I hope we haven’t left anything unsaid. I hope we are able to give them the comfort & love they need. I hope it won’t be painful for them. I hope it doesn’t happen soon.

Each year just brings me closer to mortality but I’m not concerned about my own, I’m scared for my loved ones’ fate.