I had a fun two weeks when a college friend came back for the nth time. This time around she brought her younger sister with her and I took a couple of days off, too. They arrived when my workload was just starting to calm down & it was perfect timing. Even the British weather cooperated for most part of their stay.

We went clubbing on a Friday night & booked a five-star hotel in the Central London (courtesy of the younger ‘un). If my guests pull, we arranged it so I will stay with the other London-based pal. I had no plans, I just wanted to party & dance, taste proper cocktails… all of which I’ve not done in a while. Okay all of which I’ve not done in London since moving here, that’s about 7 long years.

My only target was to allow the girls as much fun as they can handle & make sure they’re safe. C, the Londoner, & I were basically pimping the younger sister. I was checking out if the guys she’s dancing with were “acceptable”, politely shoo them away if not. C was scouting until sister was okay & she got herself a guy, too. That left me and my friend, A, dancing together & really just have fun.

There was no shortage of male attention, but we kept turning them down. It’s a bit different from my experience before. Or maybe it’s the club we went to. But some men were quick to fence you in (read: bakuran ka ba) with a hand on your back. Para kong naka-electric chair dahil panay ang iwas at iling ko.

Nearing end of that night (ie. 1-2am) a group of men stood next to me & my friend. They’re not white, I thought they’re latino. Then I overheard this blonde talk to one of them. Type daw nang kaibigan nya itong si pogi, sabi naman ni pogi papahalik daw sya. The entire “conversation” was happening right behind me, as the guy was literally next to me. Cheeky huh.

But then one of them started dancing in front of me - as if we’re partners. For the nth time that night I shook my head. Bakit daw. I dunno what came over me but instead of just saying ’sorry’, what came out was “not you“. Ahh, he said, and made way for the hot guy who was apparently standing right behind him. Ano ‘to queue? (more…

She was one of the first girls I spoke to in high school. I tasted my first beer with her. Smoked my first cigarette with her. I even saw her first kiss and she was with me on my first date. We were close friends, but she was posh I was poor. It never mattered and I never felt discriminated against by her family.

She went to UPD, I went to UPLB.

Time made its mark and our paths never crossed except once during our four years in University. She said she was not used to wearing the same attire in campus within the same month, very Hollywood huh. I said I attendended classes wearing tsinelas and pambahay. I guess I grew up and realised if I’m late after a hardnight of cramming, I don’t care about my appearance, I will turn up to class no matter what. Or I grew up and turned into a slob. But it was clear our priorities were now different.

In high school, we were both very shallow. We wanted to be campus figures. We wanted to have fun. Who am I kidding our high school is not Ivy League, we didn’t sweat over the lectures. It was your typical algebra mixed with boys on the side. As long as we’re acing the oral recitations and periodical exams, we’re good to go.

In college I didn’t have that luxury. My sisters were paying my tuition and I had to graduate on time or that’s it. I wasn’t shooting for a merit, I was praying for my diploma. While she, she was aiming to be well-known or at least well-liked in the big pond that is Diliman.

Fast-forward and a few years of toil, we had a reunion. I was in the province and of course, I tried to hook up with the old barkada I have not seen in years. She was there, the same energetic, powerhouse that she was. Bumabangka pa din as always. To be honest, I do that too, bangka sabi nila. But somehow I couldn’t relate to her anymore.

She claimed stature that no one can neither deny nor confirm. She screamed money & ability, but complained of the 200Php fee. She dropped a few names from my internship in a TV network and from my former job, asking if I knew the people. I wondered if she was validating my claim to those or whether she was hinting at knowing people.

With some, even after years of silence there’s warmth in seeing them again. There wasn’t even a spark. I didn’t know the woman who stood amongst us.

The sad thing was a few years before the reunion I was telling my boyfriend (now hubby) I wanted to get in touch with this person. I felt I was ready to re-connect with old friends but I was clutching at straws.

I’ve always come across magazine articles about singletons being left behind as all their friends succumbed to the ball-and-chain married life. They voice varying opinions about not wanting kids, or envying stable relationships, or wanting to “settle” but not liking the idea of a marriage certificate, etc etc.

How about happily married folks who often look back and sigh?

Well, sometimes I do.

I enjoyed my single life and independence so much, that now and again I find myself, thinking what it would have been like to stay single all these years.

A singleton friend from America stayed with us recently. I was really looking forward to it as much as she did. It was her 3rd time over & she was going to hook up with some “bloke” she met last time she was here. We booked her post-bday bash and we planned a night-out. Hubby volunteered to stay with Kelvin (long story).

The eve of my FIRST proper nightout in London, I realised a number of things:

One, I don’t have anything to wear. All my clothes were office-wear and those that aren’t, aren’t “glam” enough. Que horror. I can’t turn up at a nightclub in my jumper!

Two, I have self-imposed curfew. I tried my best, but my involuntary reflex was to keep checking my watch and my phone. Every hour I “touched base” with hubby to confirm where we were.

Three, when the suggestion came up to move to the party to a house somewhere along the Docklands, I can’t join them. I found myself actually telling my friend “it’s not my scene” anymore. I wouldn’t belong in a singleton’s party without my hubby. The atmosphere will not be the same for me.

Coming home I told hubby that I’d love to accompany my friend on her Europe trips. But I know she will not enjoy it as much as I would. I’d have to bring Kelvin with me or the entire family, and being single once I know that’s not “her scene” either.

When you’re single and adventurous you don’t want to be lumbered with a child. It’s going to cramp your style if you’re on the prowl. And how is she supposed to see the night-life in area if we turn around and tell her she’d have to go on her own or that we can go but only for 2-hours?

I am finally enjoying my married-with-a-kid life in London. I have managed to attend drink-do with my current officemates. I thought it’s not far-fetched to think I can start going on night-outs. The logistics are hazy but I thought I could invite a few kindred spirit, perhaps hubby and I can book a trusted nanny…

It really just hit me how different my life is now.

After visiting Anette & Josh, Kelvin’s remaining holiday was still packed with fun activities. I planned to really enjoy my two-week break with him to the max. One of our regular haunts in August was Kidspace in Romford. Together with his Pinoy friends, we spent days jumping, crawling, sweating and pigging out.

Kidspace is really perfect for kids with boundless energy. We celebrated Kelvin’s second birthday there & even the parents enjoyed themselves. There is a special section for babies. There is a football area, a mini-racing track, a wall climbing section, and a sky trail. During busy times, the place is just buzzing with energy, it’s hard not to get infected with the laughing and friendly shouting. The “Thunderball City” is the centre of activity where kids (and adults) can “hit” each other with soft balls. There is a huge cannon that blasts balls everywhere, there are “machine guns” from 3-levels where you can target people above & below. There is a timed-net that showers everyone with balls. The City is also connected to the entire place (huge), from top to bottom, via huge slides of different structures, and climbing frames.

If I were to spend every single day in that place I wouldn’t need to diet! Unfortunately, the place serves yummy food, too! During Kelvin’s 2nd birthday party we booked everyone for a “make your own pizza” theme party. It was really super. Then they provided the adults with finger foods which turned out to be organic breads and dips. It was truly unforgettable. I have to scour my files at home to search for some pictures & put them up here.

When Kelvin was younger he’d resist every attempt to leave the place. But in August because his ate and kuya’s were there, he’s happy to go anywhere. He was even happy to leave the play area & eat! Unbelievable.

It was unfortunate that Daddy had to work. He missed out on so many things (more posts to follow promise) during the school break. After a month, he’s still muttering about booking leaves next year. I felt bad for him but I felt too good to really care. I’m not callous, I just felt it was my chance to really bond & give my son the time of his life after being a half-half mum to him. You know working full-time even if I say we have quality time during weekends, it’s still guilt-inducing not to spend every minute of the day with my growing son.

I am also so happy and very fortunate that our new Filipino friends’ kids are very accommodating with my toddler. Hubby & I just love seeing him enjoy his time with the bigger kids. He feels part of a clique now. It’s a great bargaining chip, too. We can get Kelvin to do almost anything as long as we say we’re going to see his Kuya or Ate.

I forget the number of times I have read the importance of external support & influence on children as they grow. The dread I used to feel about moving away from most of our initial Filipino community has been replaced with relief & gratitude. If none of these guys move away, I’m confident that making Kelvin more aware of his Filipino roots will be easier. Plus, he and I got friends for life.

Needless to say though, we have started teasing Sherry that either Kelvin or PJ can court her daughter Rana. But Ate Nimfa insists that Kelvin is too young, so that leaves PJ room. Yes, it was my fault the teasing started but Ate Nimfa’s comeback sent all of us reeling.

I leave you with these pictures from our play time. Expect more posts about what Kelvin was up to during his 2-week school break!

Bakit nga ba ko nag-blog? Maraming dahilan. It took a while to do it though.

For years friends are my captive audience. They receive my emails with topics not always limited to “hi, how are you”.

Dahil “OFW” na daw ako, mas dumami ang aking “angst”. Mas madami kong napupuna. Maya’t maya may gusto kong sabihin o pag-usapan pero this time limited na talaga ang audience ko. Afterall hindi naman nag-subscribe sa akin ang mga tao bakit i-spam ko sila ng drama ko.

May mga panahon na sige type na lang ako ala-”Doogie Howser, MD“. Private journal ko na kung kelan ko lang maisipan o kung kelan may oras e nun ako susulat.

Then about 3 years ago I came across an INQ7.net’s article on Mona Veluz’ blog. I knew about blogs but I wasn’t keen on reading them at first. But link after link, I found different sources of information, amusement, relaxation, and release. I was hooked.

My lunchbreak used to be reading the online news in Pinas and UK. I ditched those now. Most times I get my “current events” fix from blogs anyway, plus more! When interested, I read the comments posted & it’s really entertaining to see opinions raised from all corners of the world, granted not always representative of all walks of life.

Like a true newbie, I was a silent stalker at first. My first comments were tentative. I got hooked with 5 blogs (jason, batjay, mona, connie & angel) which I read on a daily basis. I was a starstruck fan & was always very happy when they reply. I kept thinking “uy I got noticed”. Finally I leapt on the bandwagon but with no grand expectation at all, I still don’t have any.

I realised my homesickness, anxiety at work, stress, happiness, my views, everything, I can put on the net. I was not looking to be read or tagged, but at last I found my release.

Joining Pinoymomsnetwork is the best decision I’ve made with regards to my “online life”. I found more interesting blogs. I get tips & good advices, too. Even better, I made new friends. Yes, these are all virtual. But still I’m just really happy to have at least found a forum where I can put my thoughts across & get decent responses back. Something that has been lacking in my life since I’ve moved to London.

Kaya sa mga nagbabasa dito, kahit konti lang kayo, know that I really appreciate it. I enjoy this so much, kaya lang di ako pro-blogger ha. My updates are random & I have no idea what my blog “theme” is. My topics will vary, too.

In any case, kung maubos man ang interest, okay lang din. As long as I can write & I’ve got somewhere to publish it, okay na okay na talaga.

Ever since I started getting comfortable about working & earning my own money, I started to trace my old friends back in primary and in secondary school. Maybe for stupid reasons, I just drifted away from most of them.

My attempts to get in touch with my best girlfriend in elementary school was disastrous. I’ve nothing to say to her because she wasn’t forthcoming either. We were both stumped. Thankfully it was over the phone so we just hanged up & perhaps each of us sighing with relief in the end.

Then in Y2K, I joined a reunion of our high school mates. It was strange. Nevertheless I resolved to be in touch again. So I invited them to my son’s baptismal, his first birthday & this year, I met up with them for dinner & another day to hang out at a friend’s house. Dinner was okay. We were yapping and really catching up on our “adult lives”. The second time was a bit of an eye-opener. There was a new face whom I didn’t know, but they assured me is a good friend. Then they started talking about people we all knew but I never thought of as part of the clique, but now they’re saying “is so”.

It wasn’t bad memory on my part, it’s just that when I drifted off to University, they stayed glued to each other attracting more friends. And as the years passed they just assumed I knew. And now, I was there feeling detached. I hear the same nasty personal jokes that I used to hate. I saw them insult each other again. And I realised why I had another barkada back then.

The people I’m with those two days are amazing people. They’ve evolved & matured. But you know, I still felt like I didn’t belong. Maybe it was all the years I was never to be found.

Written on 20 March 2003

Tanong ko sa asawa ko, “why am I not good at retaining friends?” Sabi niya hindi naman daw sa hindi ako kaibig-ibig, kundi wala daw kasing continuity.

There are times I look at my sisters with envy. Most of their friends go waaay back in high school and are still there. Justifiably sabi ni Joel kasi sila tuloy-tuloy ang pagsasama. Pagkatapos ng high school, pare-pareho ng course sa iisang college. Pagkakuha ng diploma, sama-sama sa iisang ospital at sabay-sabay na lumipad papunta sa iisang bansa. Sabi nga ang lalim na ng ugat ng samahan.

Samantalang ako palipat-lipat, nawawala. With friends, out of sight can sometimes mean out of mind. At dahil nasa labas ako, mas nararamdaman ko.

I really have precious few friends that I deeply treasure. Yung mga subok na matibay, thru thick and thin. Sa high school, andyan si Lisa. Kaso mula nung maging mommy, she started to stay away. Wala na yung mga spontaneous text messages or phone calls. Sabi ni Joel na outgrow ko daw at the same time iba na ang path niya. Reason ba yun?

College, my closest friend was Marlon. Then there’s Almira, Gay, Coors, Cherry, Rose and a handful of others. Ngayong OFW na ko, wala na kong balita kay Cherry. Hindi sumusulat si Almira. Pero buti na lang may email, I hear from the others more often. Pero sa isip-isip ko tatagal kaya?

Work. Sabi ni Joel iba na daw yun kasi ng magkita-kita kami, mature people na yan. Rooted na din daw kahit paano. Pero nasaan si Balot?

Kung ako ngayon madalas naiisip ko yung mga kaibigan ko, what are they up to now, what are they like, I hope they’re okay. Sila kaya naiisip din nila ako? Sabi ba naman ni Joel kasi daw karamihan ng ka-close ko para ding ako… meaning? Flip, emotional, maraming hang-ups, weird?? Totoo ba yun? Hindi naman.

Sa totoo lang lagi ko kasing naiisip what if I die today? I want my friends to be there, to know — but how? Nakakatakot. Oo, morbid ako. Pero ang lungkot isipin sasabihin ng mga tao sa lamay ko, may friends yan di lang siguro nasabihan. Ouch.

Dito (uk) na namin planong mag-pamilya ni Joel. Siempre dito na din la-laki yung mga anak namin (that is if God sees us fit). Aba sabi ko hang-on… I need friends here. Kailangan ngayon pa lang mag-cultivate na kami ng friendships na hindi user-friendly kundi pangmatagalan.

But still I told my husband I want my old friends. Right now it feels like I’m holding on to a thread. If I decide to let go and forget, no one would grab the other end. Ganun, goodbye na ba?

I just hope when we retire we can still call our dear old friends and continue as if there was never any gap at all. Wag ko na munang isipin paano kung wala na kong babalikan.

A post by J about his Chinese astrology prompted me to check what fortunes, or miseries, are instore for Dragons like me this Year of the Dog.

Checking this website, reaffirms what I already know, which will probably apply to all working people, - that I am stressed & tense & that I should relax. The text goes on to say that my patience is being tested, well if you scroll thru my posts it’s apparent that I have no patience left.

The yadi-da of the site “prediction” though is a bit scary because it also points out I need a friend & it is sad, because I do. And when it mentioned love, it said “In love, particularly, you’ll show no desire to ask yourself unnecessary questions.” - so what are the necessary questions that I should have been asking then? Because I don’t even have the desire to talk about love.