A friend once said I am a sentimental fart, and it’s true, I am.

I count the few friends I have as God’s Blessing for He knows I have so many issues and insecurities I need people I can depend on to make me laugh, to lift me up and to make me face reality & bring me down to Earth. I would like to think I am also a Blessing to them, that in little things or ways I add colour and comfort in their lives.

I have lost a friend to Death and it hurt so much. I’ve also seen some of my friendships fade.

And I just realized that another one is slowly dying.

Maybe I’ve been too busy to notice the dwindling emails, the delayed or sometimes lack of response. And now I found out that there’s been no how-are-you since the start of the year.

Of course, I reasoned with myself that everyone can be busy, everyone has a life & emails do not matter. When I saw this familiar name on the “People you may know” on Facebook, I reasoned that not hooking up with me doesn’t count. What is FB anyway but a waste of time?!

But when I came home, I didn’t feel the warmth I was expecting. The excitement and thrill was unidirectional.

I felt my heart break. This person meant a lot to me. Sa salitang kalye “idol ko yan“. The guy was my confidante, my rock  and teacher.

I should dig deeper and we could talk about this. But I’ve been asking myself if it’s worth it. It’s not something I’d want to do. Beg or ask for a friendship extension? At least that’s what it feels like to me. If you are my friend, you are my friend for life & even if you live in the moon.

How difficult is it to maintain a friendship really?

You don’t buy your friends. Same as every normal person on Earth, all I ask is their presence in my life and these days, it’s virtual anyway. Apparently even low maintenance friendships are hard to maintain.

Yes, yes, I am one sad-chip-on-the-shoulder-looney. But as I said, I am a sentimental fart and like the memories I collect, I did hope that my friend will be a friend forever.

———

Photo credit: http://www.stockvault.net/

Are you a Pinoy/Pinay from the 80’s? If you’re a telly-addict like myself, then you would be familiar with this old show called “Joey and Son” starring Joey de Leon and a very young Ian Veneracion.

My kababata is a spitting image of Ian especially when we were kids. We’re talking 4-6 year olds here. He still looks like Ian now only rougher but not in a good way.

Marlon and I were friends with his cousin, She. The three of us would play all sorts of games like taguang pung, bahay-bahayan, langit-lupa-impyerno, etc etc. We’d spend hours in our silong looking for dropped coins or catching spiders.

We even went to the barangay Day Care together but Marlon and I didn’t last long. He didn’t like it period. I didn’t like the lugaw they made us eat & the kids smelt bad.

He would often be the Tatay in our games but will also do the cooking, because I sucked at the traditional Nanay role. He can actually light the fire and cook boiled rice & veg in my palayok-palayukan.

Though we were friends, we’d often fight for silly reasons. We’d call each other names like bruha, bayawak and he’ll always end up crying. When any of his family hears him fighting with me, they’d be sure to give him a knock on the head or a generous twisting of his ear.

But he was a gentleman. I learnt to count really late and knew even less about money so he’d go with me to the store and count my change for me. He’d never look at me when Nanay insists on giving me a bath at our artesian well. He’d pump with his head looking the other way, while I stare at him making sure his head stayed that way.

We played  less and less as we grew older. By the time I entered a private primary school, we barely talked. Then my family moved to a different street and  we saw each other less. (more…

When I was 14 I saw a clean-cut guy in full-gala CAT uniform. He was s a Cdt Major then and he was practising saluting with his sword. I moved to get a closer look and saw his perfect white teeth and dimples when he smiled. I estimated he was a good 2-inches taller than me.

It was a Richard-Gere-moment, you know, falling for a guy in uniform.

Weeks passed before I told my barkada that I was salivating after this guy had a crush on this unknown guy. I had to because when he happened to pass by me one time, I turned red for the first time in my life. I have never liked anyone that much.

It was a good thing having a support group at that age. In a school of at least 4 thousand kids, it was a great help to have more than one pair of eyes to scope out your target.

One time it was raining so hard and the corridors were jampacked with students all the way down the wet stairs. We were pushing and elbowing our way and I was leading the charge. Then I felt a push and the next thing I knew my scream was fit for a horror film sound FX.

I landed on a sweet smelling embrace. He asked me if I was okay and if I saw who pushed me. Oh I could have died right there and I couldn’t have been happier. It’s like time stood still and obviously that scene’s forever etched in my memory. I bought my friends mami as thank-you.

So ngayon iniisip nyo ang lalandi namin que bata-bata pa. I will not argue, masaya naman!

When we learnt his name, my friends made it a game to call him and then hide leaving me red-faced. By the time we were formally introduced, obvious ba’ng alam na nyang patay na patay ako sa kanya?

My heart was beating so fast, I was sure everyone heard it. He said a lot of things and probably asked me something but all I could do was look in his eyes. Para kong tanga.

He started hanging out with us and things were looking rosy. Isip ko magkaka-first kiss na ko! Woohoo!

Then student election arrived and there was this nutter from section X in 4th Year who thought they were being discriminated against by not having an official party made up by the lower sections. He recruited the most personable people from those classes and unfortunately, my Major joined. I was so disappointed, I was running with one of the other “official” parties.

It was my fault, I let my immaturity stand in the way.

I’d overhear him defending me and my “section 1” friends from people when we’re doing classroom rounds campaigning. But I’d pretend I didn’t see him. He’d smile but I would turn away.

Eventually, he stopped coming over and then I never saw him again.

The last time I saw him, my kada told me to look up the school balcony and he was there waving at me.

I looked down again and regretted it since.

I had a fun two weeks when a college friend came back for the nth time. This time around she brought her younger sister with her and I took a couple of days off, too. They arrived when my workload was just starting to calm down & it was perfect timing. Even the British weather cooperated for most part of their stay.

We went clubbing on a Friday night & booked a five-star hotel in the Central London (courtesy of the younger ‘un). If my guests pull, we arranged it so I will stay with the other London-based pal. I had no plans, I just wanted to party & dance, taste proper cocktails… all of which I’ve not done in a while. Okay all of which I’ve not done in London since moving here, that’s about 7 long years.

My only target was to allow the girls as much fun as they can handle & make sure they’re safe. C, the Londoner, & I were basically pimping the younger sister. I was checking out if the guys she’s dancing with were “acceptable”, politely shoo them away if not. C was scouting until sister was okay & she got herself a guy, too. That left me and my friend, A, dancing together & really just have fun.

There was no shortage of male attention, but we kept turning them down. It’s a bit different from my experience before. Or maybe it’s the club we went to. But some men were quick to fence you in (read: bakuran ka ba) with a hand on your back. Para kong naka-electric chair dahil panay ang iwas at iling ko.

Nearing end of that night (ie. 1-2am) a group of men stood next to me & my friend. They’re not white, I thought they’re latino. Then I overheard this blonde talk to one of them. Type daw nang kaibigan nya itong si pogi, sabi naman ni pogi papahalik daw sya. The entire “conversation” was happening right behind me, as the guy was literally next to me. Cheeky huh.

But then one of them started dancing in front of me - as if we’re partners. For the nth time that night I shook my head. Bakit daw. I dunno what came over me but instead of just saying ’sorry’, what came out was “not you“. Ahh, he said, and made way for the hot guy who was apparently standing right behind him. Ano ‘to queue? (more…

She was one of the first girls I spoke to in high school. I tasted my first beer with her. Smoked my first cigarette with her. I even saw her first kiss and she was with me on my first date. We were close friends, but she was posh I was poor. It never mattered and I never felt discriminated against by her family.

She went to UPD, I went to UPLB.

Time made its mark and our paths never crossed except once during our four years in University. She said she was not used to wearing the same attire in campus within the same month, very Hollywood huh. I said I attendended classes wearing tsinelas and pambahay. I guess I grew up and realised if I’m late after a hardnight of cramming, I don’t care about my appearance, I will turn up to class no matter what. Or I grew up and turned into a slob. But it was clear our priorities were now different.

In high school, we were both very shallow. We wanted to be campus figures. We wanted to have fun. Who am I kidding our high school is not Ivy League, we didn’t sweat over the lectures. It was your typical algebra mixed with boys on the side. As long as we’re acing the oral recitations and periodical exams, we’re good to go.

In college I didn’t have that luxury. My sisters were paying my tuition and I had to graduate on time or that’s it. I wasn’t shooting for a merit, I was praying for my diploma. While she, she was aiming to be well-known or at least well-liked in the big pond that is Diliman.

Fast-forward and a few years of toil, we had a reunion. I was in the province and of course, I tried to hook up with the old barkada I have not seen in years. She was there, the same energetic, powerhouse that she was. Bumabangka pa din as always. To be honest, I do that too, bangka sabi nila. But somehow I couldn’t relate to her anymore.

She claimed stature that no one can neither deny nor confirm. She screamed money & ability, but complained of the 200Php fee. She dropped a few names from my internship in a TV network and from my former job, asking if I knew the people. I wondered if she was validating my claim to those or whether she was hinting at knowing people.

With some, even after years of silence there’s warmth in seeing them again. There wasn’t even a spark. I didn’t know the woman who stood amongst us.

The sad thing was a few years before the reunion I was telling my boyfriend (now hubby) I wanted to get in touch with this person. I felt I was ready to re-connect with old friends but I was clutching at straws.

I’ve always come across magazine articles about singletons being left behind as all their friends succumbed to the ball-and-chain married life. They voice varying opinions about not wanting kids, or envying stable relationships, or wanting to “settle” but not liking the idea of a marriage certificate, etc etc.

How about happily married folks who often look back and sigh?

Well, sometimes I do.

I enjoyed my single life and independence so much, that now and again I find myself, thinking what it would have been like to stay single all these years.

A singleton friend from America stayed with us recently. I was really looking forward to it as much as she did. It was her 3rd time over & she was going to hook up with some “bloke” she met last time she was here. We booked her post-bday bash and we planned a night-out. Hubby volunteered to stay with pogiBoy (long story).

The eve of my FIRST proper nightout in London, I realised a number of things:

One, I don’t have anything to wear. All my clothes were office-wear and those that aren’t, aren’t “glam” enough. Que horror. I can’t turn up at a nightclub in my jumper!

Two, I have self-imposed curfew. I tried my best, but my involuntary reflex was to keep checking my watch and my phone. Every hour I “touched base” with hubby to confirm where we were.

Three, when the suggestion came up to move to the party to a house somewhere along the Docklands, I can’t join them. I found myself actually telling my friend “it’s not my scene” anymore. I wouldn’t belong in a singleton’s party without my hubby. The atmosphere will not be the same for me.

Coming home I told hubby that I’d love to accompany my friend on her Europe trips. But I know she will not enjoy it as much as I would. I’d have to bring pogiBoy with me or the entire family, and being single once I know that’s not “her scene” either.

When you’re single and adventurous you don’t want to be lumbered with a child. It’s going to cramp your style if you’re on the prowl. And how is she supposed to see the night-life in area if we turn around and tell her she’d have to go on her own or that we can go but only for 2-hours?

I am finally enjoying my married-with-a-kid life in London. I have managed to attend drink-do with my current officemates. I thought it’s not far-fetched to think I can start going on night-outs. The logistics are hazy but I thought I could invite a few kindred spirit, perhaps hubby and I can book a trusted nanny…

It really just hit me how different my life is now.

Bakit nga ba ko nag-blog? Maraming dahilan. It took a while to do it though.

For years friends are my captive audience. They receive my emails with topics not always limited to “hi, how are you”.

Dahil “OFW” na daw ako, mas dumami ang aking “angst”. Mas madami kong napupuna. Maya’t maya may gusto kong sabihin o pag-usapan pero this time limited na talaga ang audience ko. Afterall hindi naman nag-subscribe sa akin ang mga tao bakit i-spam ko sila ng drama ko.

May mga panahon na sige type na lang ako ala-”Doogie Howser, MD“. Private journal ko na kung kelan ko lang maisipan o kung kelan may oras e nun ako susulat.

Then about 3 years ago I came across an INQ7.net’s article on Mona Veluz’ blog. I knew about blogs but I wasn’t keen on reading them at first. But link after link, I found different sources of information, amusement, relaxation, and release. I was hooked.

My lunchbreak used to be reading the online news in Pinas and UK. I ditched those now. Most times I get my “current events” fix from blogs anyway, plus more! When interested, I read the comments posted & it’s really entertaining to see opinions raised from all corners of the world, granted not always representative of all walks of life.

Like a true newbie, I was a silent stalker at first. My first comments were tentative. I got hooked with 5 blogs (jason, batjay, mona, connie & angel) which I read on a daily basis. I was a starstruck fan & was always very happy when they reply. I kept thinking “uy I got noticed”. Finally I leapt on the bandwagon but with no grand expectation at all, I still don’t have any.

I realised my homesickness, anxiety at work, stress, happiness, my views, everything, I can put on the net. I was not looking to be read or tagged, but at last I found my release.

Joining Pinoymomsnetwork is the best decision I’ve made with regards to my “online life”. I found more interesting blogs. I get tips & good advices, too. Even better, I made new friends. Yes, these are all virtual. But still I’m just really happy to have at least found a forum where I can put my thoughts across & get decent responses back. Something that has been lacking in my life since I’ve moved to London.

Kaya sa mga nagbabasa dito, kahit konti lang kayo, know that I really appreciate it. I enjoy this so much, kaya lang di ako pro-blogger ha. My updates are random & I have no idea what my blog “theme” is. My topics will vary, too.

In any case, kung maubos man ang interest, okay lang din. As long as I can write & I’ve got somewhere to publish it, okay na okay na talaga.

Ever since I started getting comfortable about working & earning my own money, I started to trace my old friends back in primary and in secondary school. Maybe for stupid reasons, I just drifted away from most of them.

My attempts to get in touch with my best girlfriend in elementary school was disastrous. I’ve nothing to say to her because she wasn’t forthcoming either. We were both stumped. Thankfully it was over the phone so we just hanged up & perhaps each of us sighing with relief in the end.

Then in Y2K, I joined a reunion of our high school mates. It was strange. Nevertheless I resolved to be in touch again. So I invited them to my son’s baptismal, his first birthday & this year, I met up with them for dinner & another day to hang out at a friend’s house. Dinner was okay. We were yapping and really catching up on our “adult lives”. The second time was a bit of an eye-opener. There was a new face whom I didn’t know, but they assured me is a good friend. Then they started talking about people we all knew but I never thought of as part of the clique, but now they’re saying “is so”.

It wasn’t bad memory on my part, it’s just that when I drifted off to University, they stayed glued to each other attracting more friends. And as the years passed they just assumed I knew. And now, I was there feeling detached. I hear the same nasty personal jokes that I used to hate. I saw them insult each other again. And I realised why I had another barkada back then.

The people I’m with those two days are amazing people. They’ve evolved & matured. But you know, I still felt like I didn’t belong. Maybe it was all the years I was never to be found.

Written on 20 March 2003

Tanong ko sa asawa ko, “why am I not good at retaining friends?” Sabi niya hindi naman daw sa hindi ako kaibig-ibig, kundi wala daw kasing continuity.

There are times I look at my sisters with envy. Most of their friends go waaay back in high school and are still there. Justifiably sabi ni hubby kasi sila tuloy-tuloy ang pagsasama. Pagkatapos ng high school, pare-pareho ng course sa iisang college. Pagkakuha ng diploma, sama-sama sa iisang ospital at sabay-sabay na lumipad papunta sa iisang bansa. Sabi nga ang lalim na ng ugat ng samahan.

Samantalang ako palipat-lipat, nawawala. With friends, out of sight can sometimes mean out of mind. At dahil nasa labas ako, mas nararamdaman ko.

I really have precious few friends that I deeply treasure. Yung mga subok na matibay, thru thick and thin. Sa high school, andyan si Lisa. Kaso mula nung maging mommy, she started to stay away. Wala na yung mga spontaneous text messages or phone calls. Sabi ni hubby na outgrow ko daw at the same time iba na ang path niya. Reason ba yun?

College, my closest friend was Marlon. Then there’s Almira, Gay, Coors, Cherry, Rose and a handful of others. Ngayong OFW na ko, wala na kong balita kay Cherry. Hindi sumusulat si Almira. Pero buti na lang may email, I hear from the others more often. Pero sa isip-isip ko tatagal kaya?

Work. Sabi ni hubby iba na daw yun kasi ng magkita-kita kami, mature people na yan. Rooted na din daw kahit paano. Pero nasaan si Balot?

Kung ako ngayon madalas naiisip ko yung mga kaibigan ko, what are they up to now, what are they like, I hope they’re okay. Sila kaya naiisip din nila ako? Sabi ba naman ni hubby kasi daw karamihan ng ka-close ko para ding ako… meaning? Flip, emotional, maraming hang-ups, weird?? Totoo ba yun? Hindi naman.

Sa totoo lang lagi ko kasing naiisip what if I die today? I want my friends to be there, to know — but how? Nakakatakot. Oo, morbid ako. Pero ang lungkot isipin sasabihin ng mga tao sa lamay ko, may friends yan di lang siguro nasabihan. Ouch.

Dito (uk) na namin planong mag-pamilya ni hubby. Siempre dito na din la-laki yung mga anak namin (that is if God sees us fit). Aba sabi ko hang-on… I need friends here. Kailangan ngayon pa lang mag-cultivate na kami ng friendships na hindi user-friendly kundi pangmatagalan.

But still I told my husband I want my old friends. Right now it feels like I’m holding on to a thread. If I decide to let go and forget, no one would grab the other end. Ganun, goodbye na ba?

I just hope when we retire we can still call our dear old friends and continue as if there was never any gap at all. Wag ko na munang isipin paano kung wala na kong babalikan.