caution: best not to read this while eating

Several weeks ago hubby said his bowel movement has changed. See he’s almost always constipated but now he says he’s always got diarrhea. I diagnosed it (yes I did) as lactose intolerance which he never suffered from until now. I urged him to see the GP anyway just to be sure & perhaps get some tablets for it.

So on & on it went, I’d see hubby absently rubbing his stomach. Sometimes I’d hear his stomach grumble. Then he developed real pain and it’s on the same side where his operation from last year was.

He did go to the GP & asked to be referred to a specialist. Today is he undergoing colonoscopy. For those who don’t know what that is, read the first sentence on the Wikipedia entry & you can imagine the face I made when I knew about it.

There are issues upon issues here.

The most important of course is the line of inquiry all those symptoms are pointing at. Colon cancer. Wow, the big C.

In the name of Jesus, we cancel that possibility and tonight we will go home with smiles on our faces. We can’t wait to testify this coming Sunday.

The next issue is not as big but just as worrisome - at least for me.

My teammate is on-leave and we have a Live release this Friday, which means I really shouldn’t be out of the office.

It’s been bugging me for days. Why can’t I sort out my priorities? What am I scared of? What are the REAL big issues in my life?

To some, this dilemma may seem crazy, a none issue. And you’re Blessed to have that conviction. Me, I’m still growing a backbone.

I remembered what I read that if you are with God, then your life priorities are re-aligned to His Will and you will want to fulfill His purpose.

I am my husband’s katuwang, his partner. He needs my support and I have to be by side.

Tuesday night I emailed my bossing to say I will take the afternoon off today.

As a church elder said, nothing in this life is bigger than God. And I believe that will all my heart.

I realized now, fear really has no place in my life. Ito pala yung claim nila when they say they are “victorious with Jesus Christ”.

We were on our way pogiBoy’s childminder for holidays and he started interrogating me again. He began with “you look old mum”. He’s been obsessing about this since the first time he said it.

mummy: There’s nothing wrong about getting old. you will grow up and be old as well.

pogiBoy: I don’t want to be old

I didn’t answer because I was thought of “Peter Pan”, which we watched on the weekend. Maybe that started his curiosity again?

When I didn’t say anything, pogiBoy asked “after old, what’s next?”

mummy: We join Jesus and the Father.

pogiBoy: I don’t want to go to Heaven.

mummy: (nauubusan na ko nang Ingles) If you’ve been following God’s will you will go to Heaven, there you can have a mansion maybe a castle!

pogiBoy: What’s ‘will’?

mummy: (racking my brain, bakit ba kasi ganun ang sinabi ko??)  God’s will is for you to be good like Jesus. You love Him more than anything, you love your friends and enemies, you love and respect your parents. Who are your parents?

pogiBoy: Mummy and daddy. I don’t want a castle in Heaven, I want to stay home with mum and dad.

I hugged him very, very tightly. Kaya pala worried sya.

mummy: Everyone you love will be in Heaven. There we will never grow old or be sick.

He skipped all the way to the neighbours.

I should have announced it a long time ago but more important things keep cropping up and I am busier than ever.

But hey world! I am Blessed. No, really I am.

My prayers and pogiBoy’s nightly prayer was answered: “Lord please save mummy’s job” and He did!

I went job hunting because we weren’t making any money. But someone from church advised me to be specific with what I want from Him and that I should ask Him for what He wants me to have. Afterall doesn’t He know what’s best for me?

I claimed to my sister that “in 3 weeks time this situation is resolved, I will have a job!” That was on the 3rd week of June. At the end of the 2nd week of July, the collective dismissal was cancelled and our confirmation letter stated a little something for our trouble.

He is Great. I testified in church that “I asked only for one, but He gave me two“… Okay I could have said it better, but I was overcome with emotion. The point was made, the Lord in His infinite wisdom and mercy knows that at that time I was troubled by several things. Money isn’t the answer but that act of generosity lifted hubby’s spirit even more. He gave us proof that if we humble ourselves and ask, our prayers are indeed answered - in His Time.

See… I could have despaired that I should have had a job offer in less than a month. That’s how it’s always been. I asked Him to change me & Praise God He removed my pride & gave me calm.

There’s so much more besides this that’s happened, but suffice to say,  I am really happy I have come back and I am forever Blessed we have a faithful God.

I have decided to change a couple of things in myself and in my life. Yeah, this is going to be a sappy post.

Q4 2008 my watch stopped ticking. After 26 years, I decided I don’t need one anymore. My mobile phone tells me the date and time anyway. I hate the habit I developed of always looking at my wristwatch when I’m not doing anything or worse when I’m doing something & I seem to time every action, every word.

I thought it would be difficult. I hate being late, I am a stickler for following schedules, but nothing has changed. I felt liberated. Okay I’m not completely free, I do check my phone for time. But now I’m not chained. When I’m in church or in a meeting, I don’t have the urge to whip out my phone ‘just to check the time’. I can concentrate more.

I have also made the biggest jump of my life. It’s a move I have never thought I will ever do.

I’ve become a Born-again Christian.

There are many definitions about what it means to be a born-again. Here are some. In Pinas they’re called by so many derogatory terms. People would say “ayan na yung praise-the-lord“. Praning.  I wasn’t very fond of them either. Some of them badger you, others walk and talk like you’re all condemned.  Sila lang ang masasagip.

I insisted that they have no monopoly over the term “Christian”. Catholics, Baptists, x-tists… We’re all Christians because we believe Jesus Christ is God’s Holy Son. Actually I still think this.

The difference though is the real acceptance. You know, accepting that He is your Saviour and accepting everything that follows after that declaration.

I have been feeling lost and without direction for a long time. The Sunday masses at the Catholic church weren’t sufficient. I tried to get in touch with some Catholic groups but to no avail.

It’s a long story how I have finally decided to make the jump of all jumps. But all I can say is I have never been happier and more at peace with myself  (and the world). Finally I really know I cannot control everything, I don’t need to. He’s in-charge.

I’m not holier than everyone else. I’m still me. I’m just better.

And you know what? I still want to change. There’s a lot of work to do.