It might be that time of the month again but OMG!!! I can’t take it anymore.

I hate chasing people. I hate following-up items that responsible people should and would chase on their own.

I hate emailing one-liner that starts with “Just checking if…” of “Please FUP…”

Can you really blame me if in my mind, I sometimes read FUP as f*cked-up?!

I HATE time-wasters.

Yes, hate is such a strong word. But seriously, if you’re already busy & stressed, why does the rest of humanity seem to think it’s your job to make sure they do the right thing?

You’d think I’m dealing with teenagers but these are professionals! And no it’s not only at work. Goodness. That’s what frustrates me more.

In Sassy Lawyer’s recent blog entry she mentioned Anne Widdecombe & I said that I sometimes catch this retired MP on BBC’s “Angry Old Women”. I chanced upon it the other night. Wouldn’t it be great to rant about anything and everything, big and small? The fact that you get to vent is enough, to actually be paid is a bonus.

I loved that they ranted about the SAHMs and the working mums. The seeming competitive streaks of the SAHMs to prove they’re not dull and that they made the right choice. The guilt and frustration of the “career women”. All the guests agreed women were fools to believe in “having it all”. Well, that sucks…

Thank God I could blog & moan to my heart’s content.

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Half-way through drafting this entry, I found physical evidence it IS that time of the month.

I hate PMS. I don’t know why & curses(!) to those who will say “google it” but I don’t know why I’ve only started feeling the effect of this phenomenon.

Isn’t it enough I battle with the D?

I’ve been feeling so angry and frustrated lately. I felt ugly & unwanted, utterly useless & lazy. Stupid, moronic, idiotic. I called myself names & I was  questioning my intentions & actions. I was paranoid. Should I smile? Am I smiling? Is it obvious I’m mad? Why am I mad? Am I mad? Do I want sex? Why don’t I like sex?

Shit, shit, shit, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck… muttering, mumbling, thinking it.

Sometimes I win, but this week I lost. It’s a shitty way to live, feeling like a phony.

Life, right now I’m giving you the finger!

Elizabeth Wurtzel quotes… I hesitate to read “Prozac Nation”, I’m scared. It’s like opening up my coat for everyone to see my sores…

Hemingway has his classic moment in “The Sun Also Rises” when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, “Gradually, then suddenly.” That’s how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you’re gonna live.

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?… I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”

Hyper na naman ako the past three days.

A few weeks ago I was carrying this huge weight on my shoulders and now even with the grey skies and persistent rain, I feel like singing.

I feel like nothing can be better.

I know this sign. Elation.

Some people claim spending loads of money when they’re at this stage. Ako, I tend to party, not sleep, work a lot. My brain won’t stop working at night.

Minsan I would plead to hubby for some sleeping tablets. Often I’d be tempted to take two. One diazepam tablet wont work. But I restraint myself, baka mag-OD ako.

I know I can be a good company when I’m like this. I talk a million miles a second. I come up with brilliant jokes. I dance like crazy, I drink like an expert.

Then my energy gets sapped. I will feel deflated and defeated. I will want to cry and I will lose hope.

It’s a sick cycle.

I have been struggling for nearly two months to completely shake off my persistent depression. This is the longest it has stayed with me, at least that I can immediately recall. There were okay periods but I am in a downward spiral. The simplest task is taking its toll on me. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to bathe. I don’t want to think. Most of the time I don’t want to talk.

I push myself to engage my son, my husband, and do my work. I tried to bloghop & resolved to visit at least all those in my blogroll, but failed - a number of times. I promised the weekend will be better, but at least 8 weekends have passed and I got nothing done. At least, I don’t see a huge change in my to-do-list.

Between March and May I was on a high. I zipped thru my workload. I would make up 20-odd things on my to-do list and still have the energy to stay awake late at night to wait for my husband. I didn’t feel an internal struggle to do anything, I just move.

It’s different now. I struggle to stay awake, to stay focused, to be present. I hate this. I don’t like the fact that I want to do so much but I’ve run out of fuel. Can you understand? It’s crazy why I allow myself to swing up & down like this. I could pop a pill and my mood radar will probably estabilize. But just the thought of another medicine I need to take makes me want to puke, I can almost taste the sick in my mouth.

I can shake this bastard off on my own. I know I can, I just need to give myself time. Prioritise what I need to do. And pray that nothing else f*cks up.

Hey I’m feeling better already. I got one new post (this) and it’s nearly end of the working day. Another day bites the dust.

Two things happened to me, one was elating and the other was depressing.

Good news first. We celebrated hubby’s birthday by visiting the zoo we want to book for my son’s birthday next week. It was a good day for several reasons. The place was nice, the weather was perfect, my kid enjoyed feeding the elephants, and my hubby & I made up. We fought the night before, yes hours before his birth-time. S’ya kasi…

Bad news. I want to expunge my demons by doing what I’m about to, that is admit to stupidity. I came in a meeting unprepared eventhough I was hosting it. I introduced a third party provider to our CIO and everything’s going well. But I am well aware that I am ever so quiet eventhough the work really concerns my department. I have a reason for this, wala akong experience sa pag-vet ng consultancy firms. I don’t know what sensible questions I could ask them, as for technical ones, limited pa din dahil di naman techie people ang kaharap ko kundi sales/marketing rep lang. So what happened? After the roundabout, humarap si bossing sa kin asking what I think and how we ought to go about dealing with this firm? OH SHIT. I will spare myself the humiliating details, suffice to say buti na lang superhero yung dev manager and he caught my face on the way to then floor.

I came home last night feeling like a super big loser. How can I be so stupid? Why didn’t I think of the possibilities? I keep ramming it on my person. If I am a masochist, I’d be drawing lines across my wrists now. As obvious from this post, I can’t stop obssessing! Last night I can’t help sighing or muttering “gees” every few minutes until I fell asleep. Hubby was there to give me a hug, too & some choice pearls of wisdom that made me feel better and prepared next time. But still… You know, first impression crap and all.

Oh well, better start researching then?

A post by J about his Chinese astrology prompted me to check what fortunes, or miseries, are instore for Dragons like me this Year of the Dog.

Checking this website, reaffirms what I already know, which will probably apply to all working people, - that I am stressed & tense & that I should relax. The text goes on to say that my patience is being tested, well if you scroll thru my posts it’s apparent that I have no patience left.

The yadi-da of the site “prediction” though is a bit scary because it also points out I need a friend & it is sad, because I do. And when it mentioned love, it said “In love, particularly, you’ll show no desire to ask yourself unnecessary questions.” - so what are the necessary questions that I should have been asking then? Because I don’t even have the desire to talk about love.

Churchill has one and he strokes it everyday. I wrestle with mine every week. Mahirap. I thought I’m going mad. Maybe I just need to focus my attention on something. But when the cloud descends, my energy is sapped. I don’t want to do anything but lie down and think. I see nothing but bleakness and all my problems seemed magnified. I find fault in everything and I cannot appreciate humour. Some would say I’m just in a foul mood. I wish it was that simple.

Sometimes I win the battle & I can shake off the beast. I can enjoy the rest of the day & feel better about my life, not myself but MY LIFE. Other days, I succumbed & do nothing but cry & despair. I’m one big drama queen.

It is under control. I live a normal enough life and I function. I’ve never attempted suicide & I never self-harm. I guess I learnt to live with my dark dog. There is no getting away from him anyway. I just try not to feed him. Someday I hope he’ll starve to death & never show up.

My officemate said I’m hormonal… Siguro nga mantakin mo ba namang iyakan ko si Dumbledore! Oopps spoiler sorry to those who haven’t finished reading HP6. My copy was delivered on the day of the official release (thanks Amazon!). Now I can’t wait to get my hands on HP7… Sulatan ko kaya si JK Rowling?

Got some good news when I woke up. I received 3 text messages from home (Pinas) from Tatay and from my older sister, all saying my parents got their visas! Finally my son will see them again after 10 months. Now I need to re-arrange my hols & they will definitely stay for XMas. Ang sarap naman.

There’s that added perk siempre na finally I don’t have to cook everyday. Andito na si Nanay! hehehe