Why do I have so much pent up rage? I try and try to de-stress and calm myself, but I find myself irritated by the most insignificant matters both at home and at work.

Ang hirap.

Kadalasan sobrang kapal nang balat ko di ako tinatablan nang parinig, nang bias or even straightforward kabastusan.

Other times, like today, I can’t help it. I find every remark stings me. I hear “later” as “no” and find myself gritting my teeth at the rebuff.

I wish, I wish, I wish I got barbed tongue, too. I wish the katarayan they say I possess is so true.

I wish I wish I could curl up in bed and hide under the covers. But every day, each day, I have to put on a mask of bravery and pretend everything is okay.

I am superwoman, an impenetrable fortress.

This morning in the Tube I was verbally abused by a “young man” for telling him to mind his elbow as it was jabbing me on my sides as we’re sat next to each other. It was before 7am, the train was not jampacked but it was full enough to have people standing around the aisle.

This moron started callig me a slag, told me to “shut your face“, that I didn’t know “nuffink” and many other words that for the thickness of his uneducated accent, I couldn’t comprehend. I told him to take a cab if he was so bothered by sharing with strangers. I added that he should watch his language and manners when in public.

The buffoon answered that I shouldn’t tell him what to do as I didn’t know him. I said I can see enough to not want to know him. I ignored him from then and he removed his filthy arm away from me.

Nearing my destination, he probably remembered he was pissed so he started jabbing me again…

This time I raised my voice and when he started launching another verbal abuse at me I told him I will call the cops to fetch him at the next stop. Luckily there was an off-duty policeman, who told him to “behave or else”. Guess what the genius did? He proceeded to abuse the guy for siding “with a chink“. When the guy told him one more word and he’s done, the idiot shut up.

All the while this was happening none of the men in the carriage dared look at us. Many of the women, esp. Asians, were giving me sympathetic looks.

When this youth started whispering threats about doing something when I get off at my stop, I said to him in a loud voice to “Stop muttering idiot we can all hear your threats! If you so much as come down my stop, I will make sure you go to jail. You and your kind do NOT SCARE me!”

Siempre pa takot ako, I decided to move away from him. There’s nothing to be had there. I know I should have done so in the first place and I could have avoided that drama. But you know what? Why should I move?

I am paying for the education and in most cases, the livelihood of these demonic teenagers! Why should I fear them?

The answer? The Government does not provide me with protection.

The off duty policeman, yes thank you for the 2-minute assistance, but the effing follow-up was to get off in the next stop after giving him a talking to. Was that responsible?

Did he think the mal-educado will behave now that the nanny is gone?

The biggest fear in this country is getting knifed by a youth (a gang of youths, in most cases). The elderly and those paying taxes are shortchanged.

My biggest worry? These airheads are breeding! These are the people who are supposed to hold this country’s economy in the future. And as a working citizen, I have the right to a life not ruled by white yobs and black gangsters.

When I stood up to this guy, I was thinking of other Pinoys and minorities. Who knows how many people he’s already abused and who bowed to him? I hope that next time, he will think twice and decide against it. I hope he changes and becomes enlightened.

How that will happen I don’t know. But I certainly don’t want to grow old in this place. I pity those who won’t have a choice. No matter how lovely the United Kingdom is, if it’s ruled by dogs, then… need I say more?

Last year I wrote about my radio and komiks love affair. Today I received a comment from someone who can obviously read and write, but also apparently has no comprehension.

It was from a student asking for materials on radio programs and also had the temerity to instruct me to email the requested materials to him/her.

I know this plagues most bloggers and other sites. Sassy Lawyer blogged about this at least once. And these sort of stupid comments caused my fave poetry site to close years ago.

It’s bad enough they’re asking you to do their work for them, but they didn’t even bother to read and understand what the topic their “commenting” in is about.

The internet is vast source of knowledge. I could easily give this person crap and he’d probably pass it to his professor. It’s just worrying because in all likelihood the Philippines education system has not yet put proper guidelines/checks on info sourced from public sites. Compounded by the fact that you do get students who are not actually craving knowledge, rather are looking for cheat-sheets ala-Recto’s offering, then in a few years time Pinas will not only have massive brain drain because of the professionals flying abroad, you are also left with an inept workforce and even more stupid & corrupt politicians.

Why such a bleak outlook? Because those who do crave knowledge will think they’re too good to stay and they will have the opportunity to leave. Those who looked for the easy way out will not have benefited from their education and will not be export-material so they become President and Senators and asswipes.

Some would say my work is very “negative”. I assure the quality of our products. Test the beejesus out of it. Make sure nothing is broken. Make sure that if something is broken, it’s isolated. I can go on for a long time.

One of my better managers once said that we actually have the best job in the software industry. We find a bug, it’s great. We don’t find a bug, we give an all-clear, it’s great. But underneath that second statement is a lot of sweat & some nerve-shaking decisions (read: risk management and cost-cutting).

Anyway, that’s my job, it’s me, it’s part of my life. I’m a software tester, and I love it.

I am pretty reasonable. I don’t go loggerheads with developers or management (okay I do gnash my teeth a lot). Experience taught me that there’s no point. At the end of the day, I am here to get my money at the end of the month. I am not here to fan anyone’s ego. Or be someone’s fall-guy. Eff you if you think that. And you’ll have a rude awakening if you think, I’m a pushover.

I guess most non-Pinoys I worked with, think I am a soft touch because of my mild demeanour. I wish I could tell them that’s not how my Filipino colleagues would describe me (or could I be mistaken? hmm). I do encounter attitudes but most are tolerable & I let them pass, so yes that’s probably why they would say I’m “nice”. But whenever someone pushes me a little too far, I can be like Wolverine and turn them into muttering brats.

In my second London job for example, there was this Irish “call-me-Dr” know-it-all. I’m not sure if I blogged about him in the past, but here goes. I reported a major crash on our Symbian application. Our phones were crashing with KERNEL-whatever errors and his code’s log weren’t sufficient. The problem was straightforward to reproduce & I allowed him some attempts to send it back to me with a lame “fix” and at least 3 “not reproducible”. The latter was a push to close and forget about it. I told him we can work in tandem & showed him the steps & voila! The crash. Then he stood up and said “Okay, reproduce it again and call me.”

“No! You sit down, watch what I’m doing & FIX your bug!“

I must have looked like the Furies. He can only manage a barely audible ‘ok’ & meekly sat down. When I finished, I slammed the phone in front of him so hard, I thought I’d broken it. The nerve of this PhD-wielding-weasel! He picked himself up & said something about going to work. That afternoon, I received a fix that actually worked.

London offices are open-planned, so yes my raised voice carried throughout the floor which houses the sales, marketing, HR, support, and dev teams. Everyone in the dev team were smiling and looking at our direction. My then manager gave me two thumbs up and later on in the pub bought me a pint. Then everyone gave their “horror” stories about the red-haired geek, apologies to good geeks out there. Well, let’s just say he wasn’t very popular.

Are you getting the picture?

Now, as in an hour ago, a developer whose component has been the weakest of our entire trading system, had the gall to tell me he “doesn’t have much time to look at the problem” because he’s busy! WTF?! I told him the bug (which is really at least 3 months old as it’s related to other failed fixes!) is with his dev manager & they will deal with it appropriately.

I am a software tester, not your “debugger”, jack—.

I wasn’t hot at all. In fact, he probably went away thinking “I showed her”. Thing is, I am the QA Manager, mate. Even before you gave me that attitude, your lack of, uhmm what’s the nicest word to use?, let’s say: your lack of focus has given me cause for concern for a while. I already had a 5-minute chat with your boss about my observation, albeit I didn’t pointedly say you’re “not good”. He did.

Okay that’s it. WHEW. It’s been a while since my last work-related post ah.

“I live to break your world”

This is definitely not my week. My emotions have been swinging up and down, left to right & I feel as grey as the London skies. At the back of my mind, I know it’s my black dog making its presence felt. Fine, that’s normal but then my skin is dry & I feel sick & dirty.

Tuesday I went to my dermatologist for my skin allergy patch test & I haven’t showered for 48 - hours! My hair is as oily as Snape’s. Yes, I shampoo’ed it but I don’t why it won’t stay shiny & clean-looking if I didn’t douse my entire body with water & soap.

My back is itchy. Dunno if it’s due to the allergens. My fear is it’s itchy because I am allergic to the plasters! Anyway, I just hope all these are worth it in the end because my skin needs the right treatment. I keep complaining how rough my face is now & this year I’ve actually taken steps to at least find out why. Tonite I will have my first reading, like palm-reading only the nurse will be tracing how many bumps formed on my back, which looks like a messy whiteboard, only my skin is not white.

Then this morning at the office, I found out I “have” pala. That explains my short/ill temper. And why I am so uncomfortable. I really hate these red visits. I should be glad I guess as I have had depo-injections for 3-years & most women don’t get their menstrual cycle back for a year. But as my ate said I might be similar to Nanay in terms of fertility (”mahakbangan lang buntis na” she said).

So anyway, here’s to women everywhere. Us, who are governed by the Waters and the Moon. Or am I the only loony?

Consulting a GP always make me apprehensive. For the 6 years I’ve been in the UK, I have yet to meet a GP that inspires confidence & trust. They’re often aloof, cold, crude, rude, inefficient, arrogant, I can go on for a long time.

Perhaps it’s the area we’ve lived in. I’m no bank manager or actress. Even if I earn better pay than nurses, it doesn’t mean I can live in affluent areas like Chelsea or Surrey. Most often than not, my GPs are very old, some probably just won’t retire. So perhaps their attitude problem & lack of empathy is typical of Filipino public servants’ lack of enthusiasm in their jobs.

Whatever. The bottomline is even if I don’t pay for my consultation, my taxes are feeding them & their families.

Anyway, since April my face have been very dry. I think I tried at least 3 different moisturisers but to no avail. I developed some pimple-like bumps, too, which are sometimes itchy esp. if it’s windy. So the GP gave me Daktakort. Hubby was insisting I ask for a BUPA referral straightaway. I was hesitant as most of the time, our GP doesn’t like giving private referrals & we often end up arguing. It’s really pathetic as we’re entitled to it. Apparently, they’re allowance is deducted for every patient that goes private (I have a side-story on this later).

Anyway, after a month I went back, I wasn’t any better. The symptoms comes & go. You know what the great GP said when I asked him what we should do about my skin? He said “go to a beautician” with a smile that says he’s very pleased with himself.

It took a lot to hold back my karate-chop. I told him to refer me to a BUPA dermatologist. Long story short, I saw the private doctor & he asked about any tests I’ve had. I nearly choked when I controlled my guffawing-reaction. So I am to have 3-sessions for a skin allergy patch test soon to find out what causes my skin to breakout. But he did mention that since I have a history of asthma & I am prone to all sorts allergy, which I already know.

It’s always the case with the GPs that we’ve seen & heard about. They prescribe something without telling the patient what they have or what the meds are for. They rarely do investigative tests for symptoms that they feel are not likely to kill you. I really have had enough of them, but I cannot bypass them to see any specialists - NHS (gov’t) or BUPA (private). So until I earn enough to ditch GPs (which will be never) I have to grin & bear it.

———————-
side story
I have a feeling I already mentioned this in one of my older posts but I’ll repeat it again. My neighbour whose husband is suffering from debilitating arthritis was referred by our GP to see a NHS specialist. This specialist told them the husband needs a critical test done but the NHS waiting list is too long. So his suggestion was he sees them as private patient only for the test (£200+) and then continue with his consultation on NHS. Now the couple returned to our GP to ask for such referral but they were refused (a couple of times). The GP maintains they need to wait on NHS just like everybody else because going on private means they will bump some poor soul from the NHS list. They were gobsmacked. How will they affect the NHS list when the private session will be done on a weekend? Besides they were going to pay for it themselves. So what is the GP’s problem?

Last I heard my neighbour is filing a complaint in NHS. But isn’t unbelievable?

My probationary period is over & thus like an acceptance to some exclusive membership, some of my benefit certificates started arriving. Goody.

Then I opened the healthcare policy. Three (3) things were wrong with.

First. It was addressed to hubby when I’m supposed to be the main policy holder.
Second. I was not even mentioned in the policy, just my husband & Kelvin.
Third. It was missing the dental & optical plans.

Total screw up. Our company hired a benefits service company to handle all our benefit packages. I can only surmise that when I emailed our administrative staff to “do not include my hubby & son on my healthcare plan”, it was interpreted either by the service company or the health care provider that my hubby, being a man, is the member of the technology team not Mrs.

The service’ account manager called me to clarify what happened & then tried to get away by saying the original instruction was to include all family members. I asked her how that explains my missing name & my husband being the policy holder?

I could, of course, be jumping to conclusions here but it’s happened several times to me before. I work in IT so I must be a man. Letters addressed to Mr D S…, my hubby’s name is Joel! And he doesn’t work in Central London, he’s a nurse, people!

Funny though sometimes I get addressed as Dr, too. Why? Who knows.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit maraming snob sa tube. Common naman ang hayfever dito at siguradong once a day makaka-encounter ka ng sufferer. Pero madalas malapit na kong mapaaway at kadalasan mga babae talaga ang maaarte, kung may lalaki man na kunwa e disgusted, mga DOM.

Hayfever can make you sneeze - a lot, but that’s the “harmless” bit. For those extreme sufferers like myself, hayfever can clog your nasal passages so bad you cannot breathe thru your nose, but at the same time have colds streaming out of your nostrils. Gross man pero aaminin ko minsan di ko pa nararamdaman dahil masyado nang maga ang mukha ko sa hirap.

Anyway, imagine yourself stuck in the train after a long-day at work and you’re already bogged down with this irritant. You’re constantly sniffling and blowing your nose which is already tender. Then the person next to you starts giving you “the look”. What look? It varies from person to person, but disgust is a common denominator. Sometimes the person makes a big show of moving away from you eventhough he/she is trapped in the cramped seat! Those who are most annoying even declare to whoever they’re talking to that they hope they don’t catch anything on the train.

It makes my blood boil most of the time. Sometimes I just ignore them especially if I’m already lightheaded from lack of Oxygen. But other times, I hit back. Fake a sneeze in their direction or let out a tremendously disgusting belching sound as if I’m going to keel over. If I’m really in the mood for a fight, I manage an elbow or a toe-stepping incident. Kainis e.

Nung isang linggo nga may katabi ko na tumingin sa akin ng masama (at matagal pa) nung suminga ako. I sat up & stared back at her. Then proceeded to cough & sneeze in her direction, of course I was saying “excuse me” all the time. She stood up & someone else happily grabbed her seat. What do you know my sneezing & coughing stopped, she looked really miffed, I wonder why?

You don’t ‘catch’ hayfever. It is obvious I have hayfever, my eyes are puffy, bloodshot & watery. Even if someone is really sick & potentially contagious, why be a jerk about it?

Minsan talaga feeling ko magkakaroon na ko nang “public transport rage”.

I did nothing but review & comment on documents since Monday! I barely managed to work on my actual deliverable (a traceability matrix). True the files I’m reading are not even thick but I find it really hard to “read & understand” because my sinuses are so blocked, I feel so lightheaded. Sometimes I feel like passing out. It’s taking me twice as long to get anything done, except for blogging.

I hope this doesn’t continue for too long. I need my wits in order to function properly. I’m sorely tempted to take my work home just to get moving as I know I’ll be swamped soon.

I took Pining’s advice to heart & have started on a no dairy diet. I now drink my tea black, no milk, no sugar. Sugar is not dairy I know but it’s less calorie intake as I plan to copy Melissa’s South Beach Diet. I also checked the net for more food related allergies & found that I should stay clear of food additives, too, as they inhibit the anti-histamines from working. It looks like I’m going to work harder to beat this Hay Fever season (2007 is set to be the worse on record).

Just as well I follow the above list, I’ll end up healthier & fit enough to run for a bus without wheezing. The thing is hubby bought some freshly-made siopao last night & I gave in & ate one for breakfast this morning. South Beach says no carbs for 2-weeks. I told myself it’s my last f*ck before the final goodbye. I plan on disposing of the sweets & other tempting goodies by giving them away to neighbourhood kids. Then hubby reminded me that I should not stop baking & cooking for them. Ah the horrors. I need He-Man strength & resolved.

I cannot concentrate at work. I’m too sleepy & a little bit traumatised by the failure of the public transport last night. Imagine, there was power failure on ONE line and it affected the ENTIRE network! It took me 4 hours to get home! I was so eager to get home as hubby’s off tomorrow which meant we can spend some and also my boy was being very cute when I left in the morning & I wanted to make it up to him by extending his bedtime & do some sticker game first.

My hell started because of sheer stupidity. I got to the rail station with delays already occuring, thinking it’s too far to walk back to the underground station near my office I stuck it out & got the first train available. That was my biggest mistake. Perhaps I was so agitated, my brain blocked the fact that the nearest underground station was just next door! Had I thought of it, I would have been on time or at least just an hour late.

Anyway, the train has been in one station for 40 minutes when I decided to take the DLR (similar to Pinas’ LRT). It was a smooth ride. Then I switched to the Jubilee Line which was even better. I was feeling very positive when I immediately got a District Line. I thought nearly home then, just 6 more stops. Actually that was my nightmare starting.

The tube stopped in-between station. After 15 minutes the lights were switched off, okay fine it’s only dusk & we were told they needed to cut the power off to let the c2c train through. Okay no griping from me, I just want to get home.

After 30 minutes, the driver asked whether there was any underground staff. Two came. After an hour still nothing & it was now dark. The driver switched on 2 lights in each carriage. Then a passenger learnt from another passenger in the next station that the c2c which passed us was instructed to halt so we could proceed, what did the passengers do? They jumped onto the track! Obviously causing more problems.

To cut the story short, we ended up on the tracks ourselves. On reaching the nearest station we were told there was no replacement bus to take us forward! By this time the entire District Line was suspended so the buses were full coming from the City. I had to elbow my way in the second bus that came along. It was 945pm when I reached a connecting bus stop. I just missed my bus! I waited for another 30 minutes (longer I think) in freezing wind, for my next bus.

I was anxious, I was hungry & I was cold! Hubby was waiting for me in a parking lot when I got off the bus. I was so hungry I stopped & bought some chips to sustain my 3 minute drive home — I can’t wait that long anymore. When I went upstairs hubby told me my son was saying I’m gone because they left the train station without me (I told them to go home by 730pm). He woke up & asked for water, then told me to lie down next to him. So the three of us slept together in one bed for the first time in many months.

It would have a good ending to a sordid day but I had a nightmare. I dreamt women were pulling out their placentas & the placentas, which looked like frog eggs, were rubbed on walls. They were mad & they were killing their unborn children. Where did this come from? I’m guessing I’m worrying about our decision to stop my injectables. I don’t want to get pregnant accidentally.

The madness probably relates to the managers of London’s public transportation.