06.Novsweet child of mine
Same old excuse… Busy, too tired, too lazy… Whatever. The point is I’ve neglected my hobby. I do wish someone could invent a way to have those dictate-machine to convert entries to word processors.
There are so many things happening around me that I do want to talk or rant about. Like the fascit party BNP leader’s appearance in Question Time. Or why I am again looking around for work.
But heck, I’ve been itching to blog about my life.
My teammate is gone & is now on maternity leave. Even before she left I have been mulling over the idea of having another child. I’m in my early 30’s. I’m probably the only one in my family that can have another child. And pogiBoy’s been asking for a baby since before he turned 4 and he’s now 5!
It was disappointing to see hubby struggle with the idea. He wanted to be keen & pretended to want the same, but I know & I can feel that he’s not convinced. In the bedroom, he didn’t show his hesitation. He almost fooled me, I was suddenly scared to get pregnant & we’ve not really discussed the future logistics yet.
A few days after, bang! The pretence started to unravel. Hubby became irritable, sullen, withdrawn… AY NAKU! PWEDE BA?!
Our first 3-years as parents started replaying in my head. Sorry, but OMG! I can’t go through that anymore. I cannot possibly sustain a more demanding job, being a parent to a schoolage boy, and an anchor for a flailing husband.
Di bale nang maging solong anak si pogiBoy.
I told hubby to stop pretending & enough with the illusion he’s trying to paint for me. I wouldn’t want a pet if it means I’m going to lose my mind again. Does he think I’d want to destroy my figure again?! However I may look now, I still prefer this than what it was 4-years ago.
I already have peace-of-mind, I got my groove back, my pogiBoy is independent. Honestly, I ask, is becoming broody worth having all those taken away?
It’s sad though. All these money concerns, which is really the main reason why hubby hesitates, they will never go away. That’s the joke. It’s always been the case even before pogiBoy came to being.
I don’t really know what the difference is & how he cannot see why I find his reaction ridiculous.
On a semi-positive note…
I was freaking out the other night. I wanted to rip someone’s head off & unfortunately, I was at home. I don’t remember if this episode was related to the offspring-craving.
Anyway, I was mean to my boys.
Later on I apologized to pogiBoy. After the hug I asked him if he can forgive me.
What he said made me cry.
“But mum, I have already forgiven you.”
Truly unconditional. I hope I can be a better mum to my only child.
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image: http://www.stockvault.net/
This entry was posted on Friday, November 6th, 2009 at 7:21 pm and is filed under motherhood, my hero. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Oh Auee, I feel for you here. I have these thoughts too, I am especially scared of regretting the decision to stop at one child, but in our case, we are older - I will be 40 next year and my husband… never mind
. I mean it took 3 years to feel my almost normal self and I don’t see myself going through it again. Kaya ko ba? And if not, would my future-with-another-baby-more-than-cranky self be fair to Evan and to my husband? I will be hell to live with, I am sure. I am very happy right now with just one but I don’t know what thoughts the next 2-3 years will bring when it’s already too late.
I wish you the best. I had Evan when I was 35 so who knows, you and your husband might still be able to buy some time.
hey auee,
you did the right thing. it will take you, 20years to graduate from child minding if you will hve another baby;
Why not raise a cat, or a hamster, less responsibility, hihihihi.
Geri, thank you thank you for making me feel normal
Hay saludo ko sa mga taong jump-in agad no hesitations
Hey in fairness, grave you don’t look like you’re nearing 40! Honestly akala ko early 30’s ka lang.
Francesca, you won’t believe this but even a pet (guinea pig or hamster) raises my hub’s heckles! Sometimes I do wonder how he managed to convince himself to have a child
Parang King, kelangan lang nang heir 
Hey Auee!
Don’t feel bad that PogiBoy is the only one. I have an only child myself. He’s 22, independent and totally handsome (only according to his Nanay). I adore that man child. I will do anything for him & would be beside myself if anything happens to him. He knows that I have undivided time when it comes to him and his needs. And yet, I don’t suffocate him.
I’ve learned to accept that he will be the only child. He didn’t ask for siblings, only cats. He got two (minus one now).
As as far as unconditional love, well, it actually describes a love coming from a child to his/her parents; not the other way around. No matter what family living is like, a child’s yearn for love is strong, no matter if the parents are abusive or not.
So, console yourself to the fact, you have a wonderful child, who you have nurtured and honed to be the best person he will be. You should be proud.
p.s. It’s too late for me to have a child, matanda na. haha!
yarn, thanks for visiting again
I know what you mean. I don’t really feel bad, just musing & I guess a little confused.
Alam mo yun? Yung parang society & tradition dictates I should because I could. And I feel almost guilty that a part of me doesn’t really want to for selfish reasons.
It’s also a bit stupid, coz I wanted to please pogiBoy as he wants so much to be a brother.
Ewan