Same old excuse… Busy, too tired, too lazy… Whatever. The point is I’ve neglected my hobby. I do wish someone could invent a way to have those dictate-machine to convert entries to word processors.

There are so many things happening around me that I do want to talk or rant about. Like the fascit party BNP leader’s appearance in Question Time. Or why I am again looking around for work.

But heck, I’ve been itching to blog about my life.

My teammate is gone & is now on maternity leave. Even before she left I have been mulling over the idea of having another child. I’m in my early 30′s. I’m probably the only one in my family that can have another child. And pogiBoy’s been asking for a baby since before he turned 4 and he’s now 5!

It was disappointing to see hubby struggle with the idea. He wanted to be keen & pretended to want the same, but I know & I can feel that he’s not convinced. In the bedroom, he didn’t show his hesitation. He almost fooled me, I was suddenly scared to get pregnant & we’ve not really discussed the future logistics yet.

A few days after, bang! The pretence started to unravel. Hubby became irritable, sullen, withdrawn… AY NAKU! PWEDE BA?!

Our first 3-years as parents started replaying in my head. Sorry, but OMG! I can’t go through that anymore. I cannot possibly sustain a more demanding job, being a parent  to a schoolage boy, and an anchor for a flailing husband.

Di bale nang maging solong anak si pogiBoy.

I told hubby to stop pretending & enough with the illusion he’s trying to paint for me. I wouldn’t want a pet if it means I’m going to lose my mind again. Does he think I’d want to destroy my figure again?! However I may look now, I still prefer this than what it was 4-years ago.

I already have peace-of-mind, I got my groove back, my pogiBoy is independent. Honestly, I ask, is becoming broody worth having all those taken away?

It’s sad though. All these money concerns, which is really the main reason why hubby hesitates, they will never go away. That’s the joke. It’s always been the case even before pogiBoy came to being.

I don’t really know what the difference is & how he cannot see why I find his reaction ridiculous.

On a semi-positive note…

I was freaking out the other night. I wanted to rip someone’s head off & unfortunately, I was at home. I don’t remember if this episode was related to the offspring-craving.

Anyway, I was mean to my boys.

Later on I apologized to pogiBoy. After the hug I asked him if he can forgive me.

What he said made me cry.

“But mum, I have already forgiven you.”

Truly unconditional. I hope I can be a better mum to my only child.

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