I have been struggling for nearly two months to completely shake off my persistent depression. This is the longest it has stayed with me, at least that I can immediately recall. There were okay periods but I am in a downward spiral. The simplest task is taking its toll on me. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to bathe. I don’t want to think. Most of the time I don’t want to talk.

I push myself to engage my son, my husband, and do my work. I tried to bloghop & resolved to visit at least all those in my blogroll, but failed – a number of times. I promised the weekend will be better, but at least 8 weekends have passed and I got nothing done. At least, I don’t see a huge change in my to-do-list.

Between March and May I was on a high. I zipped thru my workload. I would make up 20-odd things on my to-do list and still have the energy to stay awake late at night to wait for my husband. I didn’t feel an internal struggle to do anything, I just move.

It’s different now. I struggle to stay awake, to stay focused, to be present. I hate this. I don’t like the fact that I want to do so much but I’ve run out of fuel. Can you understand? It’s crazy why I allow myself to swing up & down like this. I could pop a pill and my mood radar will probably estabilize. But just the thought of another medicine I need to take makes me want to puke, I can almost taste the sick in my mouth.

I can shake this bastard off on my own. I know I can, I just need to give myself time. Prioritise what I need to do. And pray that nothing else f*cks up.

Hey I’m feeling better already. I got one new post (this) and it’s nearly end of the working day. Another day bites the dust.