Every year for the last 6 years I failed to see the RHS Chelsea Flower Show. Pathetic. This year I nearly missed even hearing about it. Perhaps because I don’t watch BBC as often, I missed the announcements. I checked the Show website yesterday & it was already sold out. Sayang. Pwede pa naman sana ko ngayon habang andito pa si auntie.

I like attending flower shows. When I was in UPLB, I make sure to visit the annual horticulture festival. But then I like a lot things back home that I don’t get to do now, like watching dog shows. Basta, next year siguro naman maiiba na dahil dapat fully-toilet trained na binata ko.

Just a sampler of what I could have seen & touched in Chelsea.

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Photo “Leeds City Council: Scent of a Roman” courtesy of the Chelsea Flower Show website

Naniniwala ka ba sa mga kababalaghan?
Roughly translated, “Do you believe in superstitions?”

A family friend just came back from their 5-week Pinas holiday when their 5-year old son developed coughs & colds. After 2 days he developed fever & the coughing became severe. After 2 weeks & a round of antibiotics, the boy was vomiting & was unable to eat and his fever was on & off. The parents have brought him to two hospital A&Es, and if you know NHS, you’ll know how frustrated they felt. Anyway, malaria and dengue were ruled out by blood tests. The mum & her family back in Nueva Ecija then consulted an albularyo (faith healer). The woman asked for the boy’s picture & immediately said he fell from a white staircase & hit an elder (nuno) on the stomach. The family in NE has no staircase but my friend said they went to Baguio where her son did fall from a white staircase! She was then told to gather holy water, blessed oil, palaspas, dried sampaguita & incense. I don’t know the entire ceremony involved but they were told to pray “Ama Namin” (Our Father). The boy was better the following day! Indeed I saw him last Sunday (three days after the pray-over) and he was running about like he’s never been sick.

I had goosebumps when my friend told me that story over the phone last week. She asked me do I believe in “such things”? I was hesitant to answer because part of me wants to say “No”, but a greater part says “Yes”.

You see, I grew up in a family where relatives develop enlarged genitals, lumps & all sorts of pains & aches that all go away immediately when the albularyo‘s words were followed. And more often than not, those relatives all encounter these beings at my house! I’ve seen how grains of rice (newly removed from husks) or drops of candle form very recognisable figures. We order platters of rice cakes (bila-bilao talaga) for offerings & we all pray & ask forgiveness from the unseen.

I was told another story of a Pinay who got voodoo’ed here in London! Of course, this ranks of kwentong kutsero now, but let me tell it anyway. This nurse was complaining of serious headaches & pain on the nape. After scans & xrays, the doctors told her she’s probably just stressed. Frustrated she boarded a plane to Pinas but stopped in Dubai instead due to the severe pain she was felt. In Dubai (where she has friend to house her), she was introduced to an Indian “healer”. As soon the guy saw her, he told her that she has upset a dark person (read: maitim). All the guy did was link her small fingers point-to-point & the pain was gone. The girl said it was if something was pulled out of her nape!

Ah to live in constant fear of upsetting something you cannot see, or someone you can see but who has some sort of magical power. How to find a balance in modern life? Well you have your Faith, you have your Science. And also you have bigger things to worry about like the increasing crime rates.

But in my life there is a space for superstition. I say my “tabi po, apo“, and I will buy my son a small crucifix to pin on his shirt when we go visit Pinas. As one friend said with regards to these preventive measures, it doesn’t hurt to give them a try.

So you think being away in Pinas makes a First World country safe from the engkanto ha?

About 8 years ago, a first time mum confessed to me that she was turned off by sex immediately after giving birth. She says she’s terrified of getting pregnant again. Since the husband doesn’t want her taking pills as she “may gain weight”, my friend resorted to having injectables without telling the guy.

Back then I was single & I couldn’t comprehend how someone can lose interest in sex just like that. Childbirth must be bloody painful, I thought.

Fast forward & I gave birth to a boy on 2004. It was via caesarian & there was no labour pain as it was a scheduled delivery. Hubby & I slept together, I think, a week after. At the back of my mind, I was thanking God I didn’t lose my sex drive like my friend.

Then tragedy, after a month, I can’t bear hubby’s touch. My skin felt too sensitive. Hubby would kiss my shoulders and I’d be cringing. I couldn’t bear the ticklish sensation.

Sex became a burden for me. I didn’t enjoy it anymore. I kept spurning hubby’s advances. It came to the point that we just do it 3 times a month! Poor hubby, but poorer me.

At first I attributed it to childbirth. Perhaps my decreased libido was a common “side-effect” of pregnancy. But I couldn’t find any evidence to support that assumption.

Looking at my life in the last 3 years, we can easily find out why I had no enthusiasm in bed. We left my son with my parents when he was just one month old (a painful decision I will talk about later). Then we took on a mortgage which went terribly wrong because of stupid Nationwide advisor. I then moved to a better paying job but lost my supportive boss & was replaced with a far-from-supportive manager. We brought our son to England on his 1st bday & struggled with hubby to adjust to overseas life with child & no househelp. I endured the first 6 months in nursery of a constantly sick child which resulted in me taking many days off from work which gave me a sickening feeling, too. I had my parents over here in the hopes that they will at least stay a year, but they could only take 3 months of London. We replaced them with my inlaws and that made my life nearly unbearable. From 2005 to 2006, the only thing constant with my exchanges with hubby are reminders. These are all just family matters. I was stressed period.

On the physical aspect, there was me. Not wanting to spend on myself, not wanting to waste food, not wanting to spend time on myself — I looked like a freaking blimp. I shopped for pogiBoy’s shoes and clothes. I ate their leftovers. I don’t want to exercise or put on make up or do my hair, because those take time away from the “important” things I should be doing like cooking, preparing my son for bed/going-out, or just sleep & rest! Then of course, I felt depressed every time I look at myself, making me feel very un-sex-y.

Near end of 2006, I wanted changes. I want changes at work or I’m out. I want hubby & I to mature & improve our relationship, or I’m out. I want to look good & feel better about myself. After a while things started to improve. By December hubby & I were convinced everything will be okay. We can manage our affairs a lot better. But it’s not improving in the bedroom.

At the start of 2007, I found a better workplace. I am also on a makeover warpath. Recently I have been feeling more “up to it”. Perhaps it’s because I’m more positive now? Or could it be down to the nuts & avocado’s I have been eating due to my South Beach Diet?

Whatever the reason, I’m just glad the bitch is back!

I always feel guilty when I don’t have enough to do at work. Today I will probably spend 2 hours in total for work related activities, and those are limited to emails, reading contracts, and perhaps a quick meeting with the boss. I finished my revision for my API tests yesterday. I should be happy as I have the time to bloghop, blog & I even managed to update my links! But as I said I feel guilty.

Sometimes I torture myself by wondering if the network has spies installed. Arrggh my head will certainly roll, as my network traffic will direct them to blogs!

I know I should savour days like these as these are exceptions. There’s a hold on any commercial moves and so I’m still by my lonesome. In reality it’s just a slow day. Next week I will have to work with some consultants for an outsourcing project, I will also need to follow up some NDAs with software vendors, perhaps start evaluating tools and, potentially work on creating demo Market Data. So I know my plate will be full, but still…

It’s similar when I threw occasional sickies in my previous jobs (I have no reason to do it with my new place – yet). If I venture outside the house, I’m always on red alert, I cannot relax. I always fear bumping into someone & then having to explain myself. If I stay indoors, I get paranoid & wonder if the company may want to have some investigator watch my every move. You’ll get the feeling that perhaps I do it so often that the guilt is killing me. No, I don’t. Because I still get the same feeling when I am really sick. If I go to the hospital or to the doctor’s I still wonder if I’m being followed.

Insane. Well that’s me.

Frequent regret: I don’t have my camera to take interesting shots of London life. I always think something will fit well in my blog but alas no camera. Either that or I’m too shy to start shooting with my phone!

Simpler regret: That I only have a point-and-shoot digicam.

Regret: That I don’t have enough money to get what I see as “luxury buys”

Constant wish: Have enough time and energy to do everything I want. When my job is in full-swing I know I will barely have enough time to blog much less visit all the nice blogs I like to read! Family comes first, so I have been maitaining a “no PC at home” rule on weekdays & most weekends.

Simple wish: A complete cupboard of ingredients & tools so I can cook whatever, whenever.

Wish: For my body to acclimate & rid me of hayfever.

I find it odd, sometimes disturbing, when people congratulate others when being granted Visa’s. Back in the days when people pay professional-queuers to stand in line in front of the US Embassy, you get strangers wishing you luck, giving you tips, grilling you after the interview, and commiserating or congratulating you when you get the result.

I wonder if it’s the same across the globe for all “third-world” citizens. Are we all so eager to enter a “first world” country we have to celebrate or despair depending on the pendulum’s swing?

Sometimes it’s sickening esp when you see Pinoys literally begging the consul, or you overhear stories of mad attempts to bulk up their “show money”. It angers me a little but then with poverty everywhere & hopelessness in their lives, you can’t really blame them.

When will it happen that we’ll get these westerners beg us to let them in? Actually can we even impose a required visa for Americans instead of giving them this universal passport to our country? You know, just to balance it out a little.

Forgive my mumblings I stumbled on a blog with each & every comment congratulating the blogger on her US visa approval.

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For the record, I also hate the Third World – First World labels!

Hubby, his aunt & I were talking about retirement last night. We know of several people, mostly couples, who opted to spend their retirement in Pinas.

My first example is this couple who spent their first year in Pinas, well, spending. They sold their maisonette here in the UK, cashed part of their pensions and proceeded to build what they thought would be their multiple homes. The husband built a house in his hometown in Pangasinan. They also built a house in Tagaytay. Their main residence is Bulacan where they have two houses: one is shared with the woman’s family (everyone pitched in), and the other a 4M house which now stands empty. They returned here last year to everyone’s surprise. I haven’t spoken to them since but I can imagine what happened. Finances aside (the endless spending), they’re bored. Once the houses were built, they have no more project to work on. They missed working. So at the age nearing 70, the woman, I was told, is back in NHS doing “agencies” (replacement nurse). The sad part really is they’re co-habiting with friends as they have nowhere to stay here.

Now we have another couple, originally from Pangasinan, who both worked for the Royal Mail. They received handsome pensions when they opted to retire. They sold their house to their daughter for cheap. In Pinas, we were told, the couple bought a mango orchard with 400 fruit-bearing trees. They also bought a “palaisdaan”. They own a house & lot near the beach where the compound’s neighbour apparently includes Gretchen Barretto. When my friend went to visit them last month, the couple took her & her family to an island via their newly-bought fishing boat. And of course, these retirees have no plans to come visit grey London anytime soon.

Some people have this grand vision that when they retire, they will enjoy doing nothing. But I have yet to see that pan out.

There are so many pitfalls for balikbayans thinking of spending their grey years in Pinas:
- If the person doesn’t have enough money then old age in Pinas will not be kind. Remember old age = aches & pains = high medical bills & maintenance.
- I don’t think anyone will really want a life with nothing to do. Even your closest friend cannot chat with you day-in & day-out.
- Balikbayans are accustomed to work, hardwork even. If they suddenly face what they see as “doña’s life”, they’d go stark raving mad.
- Some balikbayans will not settle to Pinas life anymore. It’s a fact. Yes, you visit once a year, you think you still know the place, but it’s a different story when you’re a permanent resident once more.

Like many other employees, I have designs for my own retirement. I know that to enjoy my retirement in Pinas I need enough money to support myself (& hubby). I have a very long “to do list”. Painting, photography, writing, see Pinas: those are just few of MY wants. But I also want to be able to “give back”. I don’t know how, I don’t know where, but I want to give my time not just money.

Retirement doesn’t mean stagnancy. As proven by Sexy Mom & Annamanila (ok she’s nearly retired), there’s more to life out there. I see it as my freedom to finally do what I want. I’m just hoping I will have enough fuel to sustain me.

Bakit nga ba ko nag-blog? Maraming dahilan. It took a while to do it though.

For years friends are my captive audience. They receive my emails with topics not always limited to “hi, how are you”.

Dahil “OFW” na daw ako, mas dumami ang aking “angst”. Mas madami kong napupuna. Maya’t maya may gusto kong sabihin o pag-usapan pero this time limited na talaga ang audience ko. Afterall hindi naman nag-subscribe sa akin ang mga tao bakit i-spam ko sila ng drama ko.

May mga panahon na sige type na lang ako ala-”Doogie Howser, MD“. Private journal ko na kung kelan ko lang maisipan o kung kelan may oras e nun ako susulat.

Then about 3 years ago I came across an INQ7.net‘s article on Mona Veluz’ blog. I knew about blogs but I wasn’t keen on reading them at first. But link after link, I found different sources of information, amusement, relaxation, and release. I was hooked.

My lunchbreak used to be reading the online news in Pinas and UK. I ditched those now. Most times I get my “current events” fix from blogs anyway, plus more! When interested, I read the comments posted & it’s really entertaining to see opinions raised from all corners of the world, granted not always representative of all walks of life.

Like a true newbie, I was a silent stalker at first. My first comments were tentative. I got hooked with 5 blogs (jason, batjay, mona, connie & angel) which I read on a daily basis. I was a starstruck fan & was always very happy when they reply. I kept thinking “uy I got noticed”. Finally I leapt on the bandwagon but with no grand expectation at all, I still don’t have any.

I realised my homesickness, anxiety at work, stress, happiness, my views, everything, I can put on the net. I was not looking to be read or tagged, but at last I found my release.

Joining Pinoymomsnetwork is the best decision I’ve made with regards to my “online life”. I found more interesting blogs. I get tips & good advices, too. Even better, I made new friends. Yes, these are all virtual. But still I’m just really happy to have at least found a forum where I can put my thoughts across & get decent responses back. Something that has been lacking in my life since I’ve moved to London.

Kaya sa mga nagbabasa dito, kahit konti lang kayo, know that I really appreciate it. I enjoy this so much, kaya lang di ako pro-blogger ha. My updates are random & I have no idea what my blog “theme” is. My topics will vary, too.

In any case, kung maubos man ang interest, okay lang din. As long as I can write & I’ve got somewhere to publish it, okay na okay na talaga.

Hubby’s auntie is leaving next month. We gave it a try but it didn’t work out so back to Pinas she goes. It means I’ll have to cook during week nights for next day’s meal. It also means we cannot just book our GP or dentist or our social life as easily. Even more so it means I would have to ask my bossing for flexible working hours. You’ve heard it before “ang hirap ng walang katulong”.

But as I keep telling hubby, if these westerners can do it, why can’t we? Actually, we managed to do it for 2 years, auntie was only here for 5 months. It’s just the lazy bones have been too comfy in their current state. The looming “inconveniences” are the real killer. Whether you’re in Pinas or abroad we all have the same domestic chores to finish coming home from work. It sucks but that’s life.

So this early, hubby & I are already in transition phase. He has to pick up the ironing as with my busted elbow I cannot do that anymore. We also need to synchronise our schedules & activities. One example, in days he takes pogiBoy to the nursery, I need to be in the office by 7am so I can leave by 4′ish & pick up our son. But hubby also must not forget to take out the meat/fish from the freezer so it’s thawed by the time our son is in bed (8pm). By 8pm I should have finished reading the story for the night, proceed to fold the dried clothes, put more laundry in the washing & cook the meal for tomorrow. Around 9pm hopefully this time around I am still okay to relax or do some exercise.

Well, Houston it’s back to normal.

If I could be half as good as my Nanay in being a mother and a third as good at being a wife, I will be the luckiest & happiest person on Earth.

She is selfless. She always sees the good in people. She thinks everyone is pretty especially if they are kind. She is kind to a fault. She readily forgives. She is made of steel but is soft & sweet like a marshmallow.

My Nanay’s attained “just” gradeschool education. But she is the wisest woman I know. Her words ring true and they’re meant to strengthen me when I’m flailing. Her words endure and they’re meant to guide me when I’m lost.

Nanay is a feminist. She told me once that women’s issues need to be heard in government. The labour parties have enough representation, she told me to support women’s & children’s causes instead. Why didn’t I think of that?

My Nanay doesn’t know how to use the computer so she will never get to read this online. I miss her everyday these last 6-7 years, her cooking, her hug, her smile.

So when you visit your moms this Sunday, give them a tighter hug & double kisses on both cheeks. The extra will be for us who can only call home.

Happy Mother’s Day to all!