25.Mayparenting pains
I am from an OFW family. Tatay left for Saudi when I was 6-7 years old. He retired when I was 16 and about to leave for college. To say that I didn’t really know him until then was an understatement. It was a shock to both of us. I knew then that I don’t ever want to break up my family for an overseas work. It’s all of us or nothing.
But I ate my words. We left our 1 month old baby in the care of my parents. I agreed with hubby when he said we need to recoup, sort out our mortgage and take pogiBoy back after a year. We were in pain, but I knew it was the right decision. Perhaps to justify it even further, I know a lot of Pinoys were doing the same thing. Still it hurt though when people openly criticise our decision, as if they can help us with childcare. I have to put on a brave face in every gathering. I cannot show that I cry at night or on the bus on the way home to an empty house. I cannot tell anyone that I want to kill myself on my son’s first Christmas because we’re not together. I have to be brave & strong for us.
When my son was nearly one, we went home to bond with him & prepare him for the flight back. I cannot tell you the emotions that surged through me when I first saw him at NAIA. But I can tell you the pain that ripped hubby & I many times when he won’t come near us. For three days we endured sleepless nights because he won’t go to sleep when we try to put him to bed. He’d wake up several times at night asking for his Lola. We nearly gave up when pogiBoy lost his voice from too much crying. Finally on the fourth day he became used to me. He allowed me to give him a bath without a fight. We went to bed with no problem & he slept soundly next to Daddy & myself.
Our flight back to England was wonderful. Arriving home he immediately settled in. On his first week here he even managed to walk on his own! Wala na kasing karga ng karga. He was always smiling. He always wakes up in a happy mood. I was in Heaven.
Then reality arrived soon enough. The first 2 weeks of nursery was pretty bad. But that wasn’t the problem, he got sick too often. I think he caught everything that every kid in their room have. For the 6 months that we paid for his place, he probably spent just 3 months of it in there. We were constant visitors to the GP and the A&E (i.e. ER). It was a struggle to keep him “plump” as he’d lose weight the instant he falls sick. Hubby & I rotated our absences from work. Sometimes I manage to work from home. But still we never felt like giving up to send him back to Pinas. No. He will stay with us, we’re happy, he’s happy.
Then I received a call from one of my sisters. It is expected that they will worry about pogiBoy but her words were “napapabayaan nyo na ang bata, dapat hindi trabaho ang inuuna nyo“. To be accused of neglect by other people is bad enough but my own family? I just dropped the call. Our oldest sister called to explain that the words didn’t come out right. I think they did. I didn’t talk to ditse for a while but I do know she had only the best intentions for her nephew.
Hubby & I were killing ourselves taking care of our son. We were looking at all sorts of avenue to get him seen by the right people. We were spending serious money on his health & his care. We are good parents to our son. He stays in the nursery because that is the reality here in England. We don’t have a Lola to rely on. We are doing our best, no one can say otherwise.
These days pogiBoy is thriving. He’s been with his current nursery for over a year. He’s developing well even given his persistent glue ear. We managed to take a break in Pinas in 2006 & this time around, he wouldn’t go near his Lola & aunties, but only for a few hours.
It seems like all those hurt happened a long time ago. It’s funny because it’s only been three (3) years.
This entry was posted on Friday, May 25th, 2007 at 11:23 am and is filed under buhay OFW, family, motherhood. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Hi auee,
As long as you believe that you are doing all these sacrifices for your son, then you’ll be alright.
I feel the same guilt too everytime I have to leave my daughter at home in the care of nannies bec. I have to work. The stay-at-home mommies in the neighborhood would comment negatively and it would hurt. But as my hubby always says, we’re both working hard for her, so let everyone say what they want.
Masakit talaga to leave your children and wife but sacrifices have to be made.
I am an OFW. Although I have been going home most of the time, I still feel the sadness of leaving them behind but seeing them succeed individually, i feel great.
Lahat ng sacrfices ay may worth.
wala akong masabi… pero damang-dama ko ang bawat sinulat mo. im glad though that things are better for you and your family now.
mas ok pa nung nag-aaral lang tayo.
hay.. ang hirap ng buhay no?
hi faith… yes it is tough to be away from our kids esp when they’re preschoolers.
hi myepinoy… Thanks for dropping-by! Oh yes, I understand how tough it must be for most of our kababayan who leave their families behind.
hi ladycess… Go back to school. I say go back to childhood
:-)
Your story is so heartwarming and echoes the sentiments of OFW parents everywhere. Kudos to you!
I have added you to my technorati favorites. Will you add me? You can do that from a button on my sidebar. Thanks.
Nakakarelate ako dito… My dad was also an OFW for more than 20 years kaya I know the feeling of being deprived na di makasama ang tatay. But then again, para daw sa ikabubuti. Kaya dati natanim sa isip ko na never akong mag-aabroad. Pero tulad mo kinain ko din mga sinabi ko kasi nag-abroad ako. Now that I have my own family, mahirap. Kasi yung 15 months old kong anak, mas nakakasama pa ang yaya, pero ayoko din namang malayo ng mas malayo kung iuuwi sa Pnas just like what my mom had suggested, mas maaalagaan. Kaso mas mahirap atang lumaki ang bata ng wala na ngang tatay dahil andito din, tas wala pang nanay. I always tell them, kahit mahirap kakayanin namin. Pinasok ko ‘to kaya dapat lusutan ko.
oh auee, my big tight hugs to you. i may not have experienced being away from my son that long but i know how it felt. at least ngayon, Kelvin is already with you. sometimes its easy for other people to say hurting words because they’re not in your shoes to feel it, but you know from your heart that you’re doing the best you could to make your son feel loved. don’t you worry, God sees that.
pahabol, i’m sharing link to a blog that express the same thoughts as yours.
http://ana_regondola.blogs.friendster.com/ana_regondola/2007/05/an_ofws_struggl.html
Hi Auee. You obviously love your son and you and your husband are doing your best. Don’t let anyone judge you. You know you are doing the right thing. You are all together now. That’s the important thing. Kelvin will grow up to be a wonderful young man.
This post is a reflection of Philippine society today. Sacrifices need to be made given economic realities. Anyway, am so glad that you and your family are thriving together wherever this life may bring you. =) Thanks for sharing this deeply personal story.
Ouch, nasaktan ako doon para sa iyo. Can imagine how guilty, depressed, but also mad I would feel in the same situation! They just don’t understand, do they, how different life is without your family and friends (and yayas and helpers) who can provide emotional support and help you with your child when you’re exhausted from work.
I’m glad you were able to patch things up with your ditse (Chinese din pala kayo Auee!) and that Kelvin is doing great now.
hi GreyMom… thanks for dropping by.
hi diogenes… Thanks, I have. Nice site you got there. I will visit you more often.
hi mitch… thanks for dropping by. More power to us Mitch. It’s a sad reality of life in Pinas ‘no?
hi feng… Salamat. It did hurt but we know we did our best & we continue to strive harder.
hi toe… thanks for dropping by. That is what we are hoping for.
hi Angel… thanks for dropping by again & again
:-P
hi Christianne… it was tough. But you know I always remind myself & hubby “what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger”.
Hi Auee,
I admire people like you… your sacrifices are admirable… you shouldn’t allow people to judge you. You did what you have to do at that time.
What most people in the Philippines don’t understand is that it is not easy to live in another country… both parents need to work to make ends meet… yes, we do earn in dollars, but all our expenses are also in dollars.
hi jo… Sometimes it is difficult for people left behind to fully-understand the situation on the other side of the world. But the converse is also true that we, the “dollar” earners sometimes don’t understand that the situation we left is getting worse by the day.
hi auee… i can relate to this.. my dad is an ofw, kaya maximum of 2months in a year lang kame magkasama..malungkot esp kapag may mga occasions tas cia wala.. cryola mode tuloy lagi kame nila mama…
before,i used to say na di ko iiwan ang magiging anak just to work outside PI,kaso sa mga nangyayari ngayon,mukhang kakainin ko lahat un..me and hubby are into considering working abroad.for the best of olin’s future…
basta sis, be strong and ur lucky kze ksama nyo pa din si kelvin..
this is a moving post. i very much can relate. not that i’m an OFW but because everyday, I leave my son with his nanny because I have to go to work. And there are times that my son would call his yaya more than he calls me. Even so, I see to it that we get as much quality time together in spite of the fact that I am 8-10 hours not within his reach.
you’re a great mom! i just know that. my prayer for you: strength of heart, good health for Kelvin, a happy home and marriage.
Trials will still come along the way but always remember that God breaks us to become more beautiful.
Your friend,
Angel
hi kathy… it was really tough, but the worst part was when Tatay came back it took a long time for him to adjust to us & us to him. Sad really. Goodluck to you & your hubby if you do decide to move out, & hopefully you get to bring Olin with you.
hi angel… thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, we do need to be strong in order to do what’s best for our families.
Hi Auee. I felt very moved by your entry. I was really touched as I read your words and I could imagine the sacrifices you went through. I admire you and your husband for providing the best care for your child. I’m glad that you were able to overcome the obstacles and everyone is doing great especially Kelvin.
Mahirap talaga yan .. pero wag nating kalimutan na yang “sacrifice” eh minsan - nakakasama rin - I’m sure you’ve known OFWs na yung mga anak sa pinas eh nabubuntis (kung babae) o nangbubuntis (kung lalaki) tapos aasa sila sa OFW parents nila.
For OFWs - long-term planning is really important - ang mahirap lang talaga sa OFW eh yung ibang kamag-anaks na umaasa kaya hindi makapagipon. I remember a friend - sinabihan sya ng wife na “Kelan pa ba nila tatanggapin na may sariling pamilya ka na.” - kasi ultimo allowance ng mga kapatid nyang nasa college na - sya nagpapadala. Then the wife left for Canada with their kid and told him to follow once he’s ready to be a husband - ayun - saka lang natauhan.
At minsan - no offence sa tatamaan but to be honest - most of the time - yung ’sacrifice’ na sinasabi natin eh tao na rin ang nagpapalaki - like gusto sa La Salle mag-aral (pwde naman sa UST), gusto 2-3 ang kotse, gusto malaking-malaki ang bahay. I’ve known a lot of people na ganyan ang naging problem. Yung sacrifice naging pagbibigay ng luho na - which is going to be non-stop.
So basically - after a few years with no end in sight - maybe OFW parents should start to really evaluate what they’re doing.
hi angelo… thanks for dropping-by. I really appreciate your comment. I don’t think anyone will be offended by what you said. It is true that some OFW have mixed responsibility with encouraged dependence. Hindi man ginusto ng OFW na maging “PAL” ang mga kamag-anak nila, karaniwan ganun na nga ang nangyayari. Marami kong kakilala na ganyan ang sitwasyon, yung iba naka-kawala, yung iba parang nasa twilight zone na di magising sa katotohanan na inaabuso na sila, yung iba naman masama na ang loob wala pa ding magawa.
A friend even had a long term plan like you mentioned. Pero hanggang ngayon wala syang makitang progress sa pamilya nya. Di naman nya mabitawan ang responsibility nya. Nakakaawa talaga kung alam mo ang buong istorya. Suffice to say, to cope with the stress, he’s using Prozac.
Choosing to work abroad to support someone back in Pinas is really fraught with pitfalls & dangers. It hurts worse when the people you think you can really trust, turn out to be leeches.
me and my husband is here in dubai, and we have left our 4 month old son when he was only 45 days old… sana wag dumating sakin yung time na di sasama sakin yung baby ko, coz’ it will definitely make me cry… i hope we can get him before he can walk and i want him to say the first word “mum” and not “lola”.. bad ba ko na ayoko sya maging mas close sa lolo at lola nya? sobrang selos ko whenever they tell me na marunong na maghug ang baby ko, na umiiyak kapag iniiwan nila, na di makatulog kapag di sila katabi, ano yun? why do they have to say these to me? but since we should suppose to love our in-laws, i will jut say.. “that’s good ma”… well.. that’s life…
Joy, salamat sa pagbisita.
Don’t feel too bad, lagi ko ngang sinasabi lakasan lang ng loob yan. Besides kukunin nyo din naman sya soon enough. Just steel yourself when you do, allow at least a week for adjustment before you leave Pinas & haul him to Dubai. It will be great if he becomes comfy with you in a day but it’s not likely. Ihanda mo na sarili mo na iiyak ka at pati sya, just don’t give up. What worked for us is pinaalis namin yung lola nya until makaalis kami for London. It helped him recognise na kami na ang carer nya. Email me if you need more tips.