About 8 years ago, a first time mum confessed to me that she was turned off by sex immediately after giving birth. She says she’s terrified of getting pregnant again. Since the husband doesn’t want her taking pills as she “may gain weight”, my friend resorted to having injectables without telling the guy.

Back then I was single & I couldn’t comprehend how someone can lose interest in sex just like that. Childbirth must be bloody painful, I thought.

Fast forward & I gave birth to a boy on 2004. It was via caesarian & there was no labour pain as it was a scheduled delivery. Hubby & I slept together, I think, a week after. At the back of my mind, I was thanking God I didn’t lose my sex drive like my friend.

Then tragedy, after a month, I can’t bear hubby’s touch. My skin felt too sensitive. Hubby would kiss my shoulders and I’d be cringing. I couldn’t bear the ticklish sensation.

Sex became a burden for me. I didn’t enjoy it anymore. I kept spurning hubby’s advances. It came to the point that we just do it 3 times a month! Poor hubby, but poorer me.

At first I attributed it to childbirth. Perhaps my decreased libido was a common “side-effect” of pregnancy. But I couldn’t find any evidence to support that assumption.

Looking at my life in the last 3 years, we can easily find out why I had no enthusiasm in bed. We left my son with my parents when he was just one month old (a painful decision I will talk about later). Then we took on a mortgage which went terribly wrong because of stupid Nationwide advisor. I then moved to a better paying job but lost my supportive boss & was replaced with a far-from-supportive manager. We brought our son to England on his 1st bday & struggled with hubby to adjust to overseas life with child & no househelp. I endured the first 6 months in nursery of a constantly sick child which resulted in me taking many days off from work which gave me a sickening feeling, too. I had my parents over here in the hopes that they will at least stay a year, but they could only take 3 months of London. We replaced them with my inlaws and that made my life nearly unbearable. From 2005 to 2006, the only thing constant with my exchanges with hubby are reminders. These are all just family matters. I was stressed period.

On the physical aspect, there was me. Not wanting to spend on myself, not wanting to waste food, not wanting to spend time on myself — I looked like a freaking blimp. I shopped for pogiBoy’s shoes and clothes. I ate their leftovers. I don’t want to exercise or put on make up or do my hair, because those take time away from the “important” things I should be doing like cooking, preparing my son for bed/going-out, or just sleep & rest! Then of course, I felt depressed every time I look at myself, making me feel very un-sex-y.

Near end of 2006, I wanted changes. I want changes at work or I’m out. I want hubby & I to mature & improve our relationship, or I’m out. I want to look good & feel better about myself. After a while things started to improve. By December hubby & I were convinced everything will be okay. We can manage our affairs a lot better. But it’s not improving in the bedroom.

At the start of 2007, I found a better workplace. I am also on a makeover warpath. Recently I have been feeling more “up to it”. Perhaps it’s because I’m more positive now? Or could it be down to the nuts & avocado’s I have been eating due to my South Beach Diet?

Whatever the reason, I’m just glad the bitch is back!

I always feel guilty when I don’t have enough to do at work. Today I will probably spend 2 hours in total for work related activities, and those are limited to emails, reading contracts, and perhaps a quick meeting with the boss. I finished my revision for my API tests yesterday. I should be happy as I have the time to bloghop, blog & I even managed to update my links! But as I said I feel guilty.

Sometimes I torture myself by wondering if the network has spies installed. Arrggh my head will certainly roll, as my network traffic will direct them to blogs!

I know I should savour days like these as these are exceptions. There’s a hold on any commercial moves and so I’m still by my lonesome. In reality it’s just a slow day. Next week I will have to work with some consultants for an outsourcing project, I will also need to follow up some NDAs with software vendors, perhaps start evaluating tools and, potentially work on creating demo Market Data. So I know my plate will be full, but still…

It’s similar when I threw occasional sickies in my previous jobs (I have no reason to do it with my new place - yet). If I venture outside the house, I’m always on red alert, I cannot relax. I always fear bumping into someone & then having to explain myself. If I stay indoors, I get paranoid & wonder if the company may want to have some investigator watch my every move. You’ll get the feeling that perhaps I do it so often that the guilt is killing me. No, I don’t. Because I still get the same feeling when I am really sick. If I go to the hospital or to the doctor’s I still wonder if I’m being followed.

Insane. Well that’s me.

Frequent regret: I don’t have my camera to take interesting shots of London life. I always think something will fit well in my blog but alas no camera. Either that or I’m too shy to start shooting with my phone!

Simpler regret: That I only have a point-and-shoot digicam.

Regret: That I don’t have enough money to get what I see as “luxury buys”

Constant wish: Have enough time and energy to do everything I want. When my job is in full-swing I know I will barely have enough time to blog much less visit all the nice blogs I like to read! Family comes first, so I have been maitaining a “no PC at home” rule on weekdays & most weekends.

Simple wish: A complete cupboard of ingredients & tools so I can cook whatever, whenever.

Wish: For my body to acclimate & rid me of hayfever.