I have been thinking about the best way of putting this sob story out here. I view it as very personal, but at the same time it’s interesting. Reading Annamanila‘s entries prompted me to post it sooner while I still have enough time.

I didn’t realise that betrayed women go thru similar cycles: denial, rage, sadness & acceptance. I know other life-changing events evoke the same. I remember watching a Simpsons episode where Bart showed all 4 in one minute when Homer & Marge were about to split.

In Annamanila‘s entries on some women’s unfortunate experiences with their husbands, the first thing that stood out to me was how the “first” wives react towards their perceived enemy. They are condescending. They feel superior. They resort to finding fault in the adulteress.

When I was in a similar situation long ago, I, too, looked down on the girl. Although I was only 2 or 3 years older, but because she was like a younger sister to me, I saw her as a child. I wanted to forgive her even in the early days of my “discovery” but I gave way to rage. It gave me some release, I guess. I wanted to destroy her, I didn’t but my whole being wanted to slam her face in the dirt & my hands were yearning for her blood. Ex got the same treatment. I would have loved to swing a baseball bat to his face until it crumbled, either his face or the bat or both.

Anyhow, as you can see I didn’t end up in jail. Looking back I have underestimated her. Had I played the meek, powerless nymphet, I would have “won”. You know how it is, they say men like soft, helpless maidens but cannot live without strong women. And some women often play coy & do act like some princess in the tower to catch their prey. However, knowing what I know now, wouldn’t want to win if the prize was my ex and I’m not saying that because I’m still bitter.

Ex was a nice guy though he doesn’t have anything in the looks department. More importantly, I was too young to get involved in a serious relationship (we started dating when I was 17 & we’re expected to get married when I graduate). I have yet to see what the world has to offer me & what I can offer the world in return. When my eyes were veiled with Cupid’s poison, I didn’t see how stifling my so-called love was. I didn’t see that I could have had a better deal with someone who will support me 100% & potentially someone who will not be threatened by my sexuality or my capabilities. Friends saw it, some of whom are even his cousins, but I was a fool. Thinking back I don’t know why I didn’t get out sooner when he would often humiliate me in company of friends & non-friends! I was stupid & naive. Thinking about it now makes me cringe. I even missed a chance with this really hot Robin-Padilla-lookalike in Uni!

I guess I’m luckier than most of Annamanila‘s correspondents. The affair happened when I was free as a bird and I was just about to explore my reality. At first I thought the pain would never end, but it did. Initially, the nightmares recur every night. I was self-destructive, bulimic, and probably crazed. But when I told myself that it’s really over, I cannot take him back, I don’t want anything to do with him: I began to rediscover myself. Of course, I’ve had the “beautification-phase”, too. It wasn’t necessarily a “look-at-me-now” moment though, rather it me taking care of myself after years of self-imposed neglect.

Turning my back on him was a signal for them to officially come out. For me, it was waking up from a very deep slumber & discovering how much I am really worth.

Some people ask (it’s been so long, come on people!) if I’m friends with ex and the girl. What? Why? Sure I will never forget them, but there’s no room in my life for such excess baggage.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 5th, 2007 at 2:04 pm and is filed under past. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.