Ever since I started getting comfortable about working & earning my own money, I started to trace my old friends back in primary and in secondary school. Maybe for stupid reasons, I just drifted away from most of them.

My attempts to get in touch with my best girlfriend in elementary school was disastrous. I’ve nothing to say to her because she wasn’t forthcoming either. We were both stumped. Thankfully it was over the phone so we just hanged up & perhaps each of us sighing with relief in the end.

Then in Y2K, I joined a reunion of our high school mates. It was strange. Nevertheless I resolved to be in touch again. So I invited them to my son’s baptismal, his first birthday & this year, I met up with them for dinner & another day to hang out at a friend’s house. Dinner was okay. We were yapping and really catching up on our “adult lives”. The second time was a bit of an eye-opener. There was a new face whom I didn’t know, but they assured me is a good friend. Then they started talking about people we all knew but I never thought of as part of the clique, but now they’re saying “is so”.

It wasn’t bad memory on my part, it’s just that when I drifted off to University, they stayed glued to each other attracting more friends. And as the years passed they just assumed I knew. And now, I was there feeling detached. I hear the same nasty personal jokes that I used to hate. I saw them insult each other again. And I realised why I had another barkada back then.

The people I’m with those two days are amazing people. They’ve evolved & matured. But you know, I still felt like I didn’t belong. Maybe it was all the years I was never to be found.

This blog has been a diary of sorts for me. This is where I air my dirty laundry and some very personal information. (At some point I need to back up my entries for posterity.)

All these times I thought I’m anonymous. I forgot a college buddy learnt about this blog from another blog I read whose owner turned out to be an officemate of hers. Oh well. There goes the mystique.

Daming nangyari. My toddler turned two, we went back to Pinas, we went back to London, and now I’m back to work.

I’ve had “crying freeman” moments with my husband, with my nanay, with my sisters and with my self.

There were so many time when I was telling myself I’ll be okay while wiping my tears & snot, that I paused and wished I have a laptop so I can type my emotions away.

There were moments when I felt so little and inadequate which “homecoming” seem to do to me every time. I become the kid sister who knows nothing about life, I morph to a little whimpering girl. At least to my family’s eyes I’m always their bunso. So some of them can’t hold their tongue & really feel they need to tell me to prioritise my son; to look after his health as he’s becoming too sickly, as if my husband & I aren’t moving heaven and earth to give our son the best care in this world. When I replied (one time) to remind a sensitive soul that I don’t need reminding as I am the mother & though I don’t want my son to get sick, it can’t be helped; that even if I don’t want him to stay in a nursery, I need to work. The next thing I knew I was being told not be too defensive. OH COME ON!

The continuing saga with my inlaws ended with them hanging up on me when I called. Sorry but all I can say is “ang bastos naman”. As far as I’m concerned I’ve done my part. That’s it. No more in-laws.

Before I even contacted those oldies I tried getting in touch with the half-brother-in-law. I was told “they said they’re not in”. Oooh what a classic mistake(?). To get involved in something they’ve nothing to do with is… low. Where did all the “pakikisama” I’ve done gone? Thru the window apparently.

The holiday I was supposed to spend wasn’t much of a holiday. I fleeted between hospitals-clinics-dentists the whole time. So obviously spent a lot of money there. Hopefully money well-spent, but not on what I wanted (i.e. liposuction?).

Now with everything that’s transpired between me and my husband’s kin, we’d need to talk about a lot of things. Two weeks on and we still haven’t had the time to discuss anything. We’re tip-toeing around each other & we’re totally skipping that subject. When I broached it last week, he wasn’t too keen to listen. We’ll try again.

A lot of friends have been separating with partners left & right, in Pinas and here in London. I hope we don’t come to that. Aside from inlaws of course we fight about other things & it does get to me. For me all the “problems” we’re facing are minor as long as we stick together, we stand as one & make our love a priority. Unfortunately, to act and behave like reasonable, mature people is more difficult in practice. Our marriage is still young & maybe the honeymoon period is over. But I hope our relationship withstands whatever is coming our way & that we weather what we’re facing now.