I never thought I’d be this silly. My QA contractor just filed her resignation & I’m really gutted. Thank goodness I still have a bit of self-control, otherwise I’d be crying!

I can’t lose her, she’s the only reliable person in my team. And we pay her very poorly but it’s not my fault. Then she tells me the position was for a permanent role in Accenture UK for a job that pays £32K… There goes any tiny hope I may have had about asking my CTO to offer her a permanent job. Our company’s so tightfisted, it’s making QA suffer.

I’m really, really sad - no, devastated to lose this girl. Yes, she’s not perfect but she’s better than the other two contractuals we have. Oh well.

If I count how many times I’ve wished I never have to work, I’d run out of numbers. Today is one of those days when I seem to have a weekend-hangover. The sun is pleasantly bright but the air is a bit chilly. It’s just a perfect day out. I’ve been at work since 7am & all I could think about is how I wish I can spend the day, with hubby & son, strolling in the park.

Then there would be days when my toddler’s sick & I wish all the more that I could stay at home & just be with him. Or days when he gets frustrated ’cause he can’t form words & I wish I could be there 24/7 for him & tutor him. But I know I can’t & it will not happen. Also the practical me shoves my dreams away as domestic chores will not disappear when I’m at home. I’d probably be frustrated at home too because nowadays during weekends, I spend at least 20 hours doing housework instead of “relaxing” with my kid. Yes there are days we do relax & play, but those are exceptions.

Maybe I have been born lazy because I feel like I’ve been working all my life. I never get to “chill” and spend my savings on an around-the-world-trip. Shortchange? Not really. I am just in a pensive mood.

I revisited my Drafts and found this saved from Q2 of 2006

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The title is supposed to be a literal translation of the Pinoy proverb “isang kahig, isang tuka“. Mostly associated with the working class struggling to make ends meet.

But does it still apply to OFWs across the globe when they’re earning more than their counterparts back home? Of course!

Hubby & I live and work in London. Yes, if we convert our income to peso (php), we’re mucho dinero but since we have a mortgage, a car, childcare costs, household bills & taxes (there are so many in the UK!) to pay, we have no spare cash after every pay day. Our wallets are as thin as Kate Moss, if not thinner.

I’d like to think we’re not destitute but we can’t save a penny - yet. Right now our earnings’ just enough. We’re gritting our teeth but our situation will ease in a year’s time. By then, hopefully we should have completed our payment in our Tagaytay property & we’ll have that spare dime we can then stash in our starving savings account.

Another year & the car would be paid, which would mean we can upgrade if want to. Or even decide to get another property in Pinas or even here. We could opt to work on that extension on our house… So… yes, we’re tightening our belts so we can live it out in comfort & we can secure our future back home. We’re not greedy, we’re realistic. I tell hubby the reason for all the “struggle” is because we can do this while we’re still young & can handle the “stress”. But can we?

This week has been the most exhausting of my entire working life. I have a reminder for lunch out since Monday & I never got to go out! I keep changing the reminder to the next day & now it’s Friday & hey I’m still trapped in my desk.

I’m so tired when I get home that hubby has been pestering me for sex & I’ve turned him down at least 6 times. One point he was climbing on top when I woke up & though we do that to each other before, now it just annoyed me.

The breaking point was this morning. The English weather is at its best. The sky was gray & the rain was non-stop since last night. I didn’t want to get up then my 2-year old threw up, then he wouldn’t let me clean him, then he wouldn’t lie down when I need to put his nappy on… Oh gaaaddd. I wanna shout “the stress! the stress!” & just run out the house laughing. At least when I reach the asylum I might be at peace.

But then we have a long weekend as Monday is bank holiday. So I guess I ought to feel better now it’s nearly 5pm & I leave at 6pm. All I have to do stop anticipating next week’s madness.

It was time for my son’s nursery quarterly review (at least that’s what I call it). Hubby was supposed to go but I wanted to be there too. I have a list of questions I wanted him to ask the keyworker & the look on his face was becoming desperate. I know what he was thinking — that if he messed up & forgot to ask one of my KEY questions, I’ll go berserk. So I turned around & just told him to pick the earliest slot on any day I’m supposed to take pogiBoy to day care & I will meet up with the keyworker instead. He sighed & agreed instantaneously. He wants to be there too but there’s no available schedule for both of us.

So today I had a chat with Sonia, pogiBoy’s keyworker, and whom I really like from the start. She’s very mum-sy yet firm. She suggested we get pogiBoy a velcro trainers so he can easily put his shoes on/off like the other kids. All his shoes are lace-up so he’s struggling & gets frustrated when a staff needs to help. She also told me to force pogiBoy to “ask” for things he wants, instead of just giving him what he’s pointing at.

Overall she said his progress was remarkable in the four months he’s been with them. He’s also shown proficiency in 3D puzzles and wooden jigsaw. That he plays nicely with kids though he loves rough play & wants to wrestle & tumble which some bigger toddlers do not understand. Amongst his class he’s the only one who can barely speak but she says we shouldn’t worry as he is starting to use words more often & that he’s just a bit lazy. She says he’s lovely & very likeable & has good concentration & eye-contact. He does understand simple instructions & has settled into their routine very well. He apparently love singing & dancing/prancing around. One thing they noticed though is he easily dozes off in the mornings. I told her about his weekend routine of nap time twice a day.

So it’s done. But I forgot to ask for a copy of the report - d’oh! I might hear it from hubby hehe

When I arrived in the UK 5 years ago, I saw Big Brother for the first time & I prayed to the Heavens not to bring this imported trash to the Philippines. Obviously, my prayers weren’t answered. Granted it took 4 years to arrive but it still got translated to Pinoy Big Brother.

Sure BB may be entertaining but it’s really hogwash. Why would I want to watch it after slaving in the office? Besides I get to read about the housemate’s sex-capades on the papers everyday, anyway.

I work in a software house and typical of most British IT companies, most of my colleagues are men. To my surprise, when Channel 4 launched Big Brother 7 it was these men who often talk about what went on inside BB7 the night before. One even admitted to having been in the house & sat in the “diary room”. Even more amazing was a few admitted to being impressed, not just amused! Now it’s not just in this company that I’ve seen this phenomena. Two jobs ago, my male peers even told me they like it because it gives them “insight into the human psyche”. About three years ago, BB started inviting psychologists on the sofa & they’d discuss why the housemates acted the way they did. Obviously, they were trying to make BB (then) appear as a serious & credible endeavour. But money demands slush so now their focus is for scandals like women going at it with a bottle or under-the-sheet romps.

Yup, serious viewing for people with nothing better to do.

Ever since I started getting comfortable about working & earning my own money, I started to trace my old friends back in primary and in secondary school. Maybe for stupid reasons, I just drifted away from most of them.

My attempts to get in touch with my best girlfriend in elementary school was disastrous. I’ve nothing to say to her because she wasn’t forthcoming either. We were both stumped. Thankfully it was over the phone so we just hanged up & perhaps each of us sighing with relief in the end.

Then in Y2K, I joined a reunion of our high school mates. It was strange. Nevertheless I resolved to be in touch again. So I invited them to my son’s baptismal, his first birthday & this year, I met up with them for dinner & another day to hang out at a friend’s house. Dinner was okay. We were yapping and really catching up on our “adult lives”. The second time was a bit of an eye-opener. There was a new face whom I didn’t know, but they assured me is a good friend. Then they started talking about people we all knew but I never thought of as part of the clique, but now they’re saying “is so”.

It wasn’t bad memory on my part, it’s just that when I drifted off to University, they stayed glued to each other attracting more friends. And as the years passed they just assumed I knew. And now, I was there feeling detached. I hear the same nasty personal jokes that I used to hate. I saw them insult each other again. And I realised why I had another barkada back then.

The people I’m with those two days are amazing people. They’ve evolved & matured. But you know, I still felt like I didn’t belong. Maybe it was all the years I was never to be found.

This blog has been a diary of sorts for me. This is where I air my dirty laundry and some very personal information. (At some point I need to back up my entries for posterity.)

All these times I thought I’m anonymous. I forgot a college buddy learnt about this blog from another blog I read whose owner turned out to be an officemate of hers. Oh well. There goes the mystique.

Daming nangyari. My toddler turned two, we went back to Pinas, we went back to London, and now I’m back to work.

I’ve had “crying freeman” moments with my husband, with my nanay, with my sisters and with my self.

There were so many time when I was telling myself I’ll be okay while wiping my tears & snot, that I paused and wished I have a laptop so I can type my emotions away.

There were moments when I felt so little and inadequate which “homecoming” seem to do to me every time. I become the kid sister who knows nothing about life, I morph to a little whimpering girl. At least to my family’s eyes I’m always their bunso. So some of them can’t hold their tongue & really feel they need to tell me to prioritise my son; to look after his health as he’s becoming too sickly, as if my husband & I aren’t moving heaven and earth to give our son the best care in this world. When I replied (one time) to remind a sensitive soul that I don’t need reminding as I am the mother & though I don’t want my son to get sick, it can’t be helped; that even if I don’t want him to stay in a nursery, I need to work. The next thing I knew I was being told not be too defensive. OH COME ON!

The continuing saga with my inlaws ended with them hanging up on me when I called. Sorry but all I can say is “ang bastos naman”. As far as I’m concerned I’ve done my part. That’s it. No more in-laws.

Before I even contacted those oldies I tried getting in touch with the half-brother-in-law. I was told “they said they’re not in”. Oooh what a classic mistake(?). To get involved in something they’ve nothing to do with is… low. Where did all the “pakikisama” I’ve done gone? Thru the window apparently.

The holiday I was supposed to spend wasn’t much of a holiday. I fleeted between hospitals-clinics-dentists the whole time. So obviously spent a lot of money there. Hopefully money well-spent, but not on what I wanted (i.e. liposuction?).

Now with everything that’s transpired between me and my husband’s kin, we’d need to talk about a lot of things. Two weeks on and we still haven’t had the time to discuss anything. We’re tip-toeing around each other & we’re totally skipping that subject. When I broached it last week, he wasn’t too keen to listen. We’ll try again.

A lot of friends have been separating with partners left & right, in Pinas and here in London. I hope we don’t come to that. Aside from inlaws of course we fight about other things & it does get to me. For me all the “problems” we’re facing are minor as long as we stick together, we stand as one & make our love a priority. Unfortunately, to act and behave like reasonable, mature people is more difficult in practice. Our marriage is still young & maybe the honeymoon period is over. But I hope our relationship withstands whatever is coming our way & that we weather what we’re facing now.