Written on 20 September 2002

Charity is a fad here in London. Most British celebrities support one or more charities. They also like creating new ones. Like the late Princess of Wales, they donate money and promote the institutions they support. The charities vary from whales, environment, and child abuse to cancer research. You read about it because the proponents make sure it’s publicised, maybe to gain more supporters for their group or maybe for their own image projection.

UK also has tons of commercials, ads and events to drum up support. They have people on the streets with pails asking for your excess pennies. They have billboards saying, “for £1 a day you can put a child to school” or variations of that. There’s always a new PR or “marketing” ploy out here every week. Most of the time, they depict the hungry children in parts of Africa. They show videos of the people living in garbage dumps, people of countries mostly associated with the British Empire years ago.

I always tell myself in occasions I see such ads, “Yeah, I can do that. I can give them a pound a day”. I wanted to make a difference because it hurts to see people live in such conditions. It hurts to know so many children do not stand a chance in this world and that most of them will never escape poverty. I feel guilty.

I can’t help remembering my own country. I can’t help remembering we are – I am from, the Third World. A European colleague once asked me why many Filipinos work here and I answered because UK pays better. Too many ignorant questions later, I finally told her “because Philippines IS a Third World country, people want to look for better opportunities abroad”. That shut her up; after all she also came from one of the poorer parts of Europe.

I wanted to bleed with cash whenever I see charities asking for support. But I’d rather bleed for my own Land. And rather than bleed for strangers, I’ll bleed for my own blood first.

written on 7 September 2002

There was much debate about dual citizenship lately. I’m torn in half.

A journalist from Phil. Inquirer says people cannot have the best of both worlds without taking in the worst from both as well. I cannot be British and serve it’s Royal Army and at the same time be in the Philippine Marines. He’s right, most Filipinos and pseudo-Filipinos are plain selfish. All fiery and seemingly patriotic when “big” things are happening in Manila but when that issue fails them, their fervour fizzles and dies. Off they go, comfortable in their brick houses with working chimneys and carpeted floors. They’re like most Philippine politicians, they have back-ups and spare tires in case things do not work out in our country.

Am I going to be like them? Am I like them?

I am deeply patriotic. I’m a Filipino. I feel it in my heart and soul. Heck, I’m willing to die for my country. I cry when the government fails and I feel physical pain when I see pictures of our slums. It hurts to say we’re one of the Third World. But I’m proud of my colour, my race and my history. I’m proud of our skilled workers and I’m happy to be one of them. Prouder still that London knows it.

In a few years time my husband and I can apply for residency, a few more after that and we can apply for citizenship. I’ve been asking myself whether it’s necessary. Would it matter that every time I see “citizenship” in a form I’ll fill in “British”? That every time someone asks me what my citizenship is, I will not answer “Filipino” anymore?

I already feel like a traitor. I’m going to betray myself. I’m going to betray my Motherland. I feel guilty and I think I will be.

Tears fell from my eyes last night while contemplating this. It’s difficult to put into words. How did other Filipinos feel when they took oath for a different nation? As far as I can tell, most of the Pinoys around me are happy enough of the prospect.

I’ll delay it as much as I can. Probably long enough that it wouldn’t happen at all.

When the time comes and I decide to swear on a foreign flag, I’ll be changing my personal details but I would like to say, I will never change my allegiance to my country of birth.

Written on 20 March 2003

Tanong ko sa asawa ko, “why am I not good at retaining friends?” Sabi niya hindi naman daw sa hindi ako kaibig-ibig, kundi wala daw kasing continuity.

There are times I look at my sisters with envy. Most of their friends go waaay back in high school and are still there. Justifiably sabi ni hubby kasi sila tuloy-tuloy ang pagsasama. Pagkatapos ng high school, pare-pareho ng course sa iisang college. Pagkakuha ng diploma, sama-sama sa iisang ospital at sabay-sabay na lumipad papunta sa iisang bansa. Sabi nga ang lalim na ng ugat ng samahan.

Samantalang ako palipat-lipat, nawawala. With friends, out of sight can sometimes mean out of mind. At dahil nasa labas ako, mas nararamdaman ko.

I really have precious few friends that I deeply treasure. Yung mga subok na matibay, thru thick and thin. Sa high school, andyan si Lisa. Kaso mula nung maging mommy, she started to stay away. Wala na yung mga spontaneous text messages or phone calls. Sabi ni hubby na outgrow ko daw at the same time iba na ang path niya. Reason ba yun?

College, my closest friend was Marlon. Then there’s Almira, Gay, Coors, Cherry, Rose and a handful of others. Ngayong OFW na ko, wala na kong balita kay Cherry. Hindi sumusulat si Almira. Pero buti na lang may email, I hear from the others more often. Pero sa isip-isip ko tatagal kaya?

Work. Sabi ni hubby iba na daw yun kasi ng magkita-kita kami, mature people na yan. Rooted na din daw kahit paano. Pero nasaan si Balot?

Kung ako ngayon madalas naiisip ko yung mga kaibigan ko, what are they up to now, what are they like, I hope they’re okay. Sila kaya naiisip din nila ako? Sabi ba naman ni hubby kasi daw karamihan ng ka-close ko para ding ako… meaning? Flip, emotional, maraming hang-ups, weird?? Totoo ba yun? Hindi naman.

Sa totoo lang lagi ko kasing naiisip what if I die today? I want my friends to be there, to know — but how? Nakakatakot. Oo, morbid ako. Pero ang lungkot isipin sasabihin ng mga tao sa lamay ko, may friends yan di lang siguro nasabihan. Ouch.

Dito (uk) na namin planong mag-pamilya ni hubby. Siempre dito na din la-laki yung mga anak namin (that is if God sees us fit). Aba sabi ko hang-on… I need friends here. Kailangan ngayon pa lang mag-cultivate na kami ng friendships na hindi user-friendly kundi pangmatagalan.

But still I told my husband I want my old friends. Right now it feels like I’m holding on to a thread. If I decide to let go and forget, no one would grab the other end. Ganun, goodbye na ba?

I just hope when we retire we can still call our dear old friends and continue as if there was never any gap at all. Wag ko na munang isipin paano kung wala na kong babalikan.