Written on 20 September 2002

Charity is a fad here in London. Most British celebrities support one or more charities. They also like creating new ones. Like the late Princess of Wales, they donate money and promote the institutions they support. The charities vary from whales, environment, and child abuse to cancer research. You read about it because the proponents make sure it’s publicised, maybe to gain more supporters for their group or maybe for their own image projection.

UK also has tons of commercials, ads and events to drum up support. They have people on the streets with pails asking for your excess pennies. They have billboards saying, “for £1 a day you can put a child to school” or variations of that. There’s always a new PR or “marketing” ploy out here every week. Most of the time, they depict the hungry children in parts of Africa. They show videos of the people living in garbage dumps, people of countries mostly associated with the British Empire years ago.

I always tell myself in occasions I see such ads, “Yeah, I can do that. I can give them a pound a day”. I wanted to make a difference because it hurts to see people live in such conditions. It hurts to know so many children do not stand a chance in this world and that most of them will never escape poverty. I feel guilty.

I can’t help remembering my own country. I can’t help remembering we are - I am from, the Third World. A European colleague once asked me why many Filipinos work here and I answered because UK pays better. Too many ignorant questions later, I finally told her “because Philippines IS a Third World country, people want to look for better opportunities abroad”. That shut her up; after all she also came from one of the poorer parts of Europe.

I wanted to bleed with cash whenever I see charities asking for support. But I’d rather bleed for my own Land. And rather than bleed for strangers, I’ll bleed for my own blood first.

written on 7 September 2002

There was much debate about dual citizenship lately. I’m torn in half.

A journalist from Phil. Inquirer says people cannot have the best of both worlds without taking in the worst from both as well. I cannot be British and serve it’s Royal Army and at the same time be in the Philippine Marines. He’s right, most Filipinos and pseudo-Filipinos are plain selfish. All fiery and seemingly patriotic when “big” things are happening in Manila but when that issue fails them, their fervour fizzles and dies. Off they go, comfortable in their brick houses with working chimneys and carpeted floors. They’re like most Philippine politicians, they have back-ups and spare tires in case things do not work out in our country.

Am I going to be like them? Am I like them?

I am deeply patriotic. I’m a Filipino. I feel it in my heart and soul. Heck, I’m willing to die for my country. I cry when the government fails and I feel physical pain when I see pictures of our slums. It hurts to say we’re one of the Third World. But I’m proud of my colour, my race and my history. I’m proud of our skilled workers and I’m happy to be one of them. Prouder still that London knows it.

In a few years time my husband and I can apply for residency, a few more after that and we can apply for citizenship. I’ve been asking myself whether it’s necessary. Would it matter that every time I see “citizenship” in a form I’ll fill in “British”? That every time someone asks me what my citizenship is, I will not answer “Filipino” anymore?

I already feel like a traitor. I’m going to betray myself. I’m going to betray my Motherland. I feel guilty and I think I will be.

Tears fell from my eyes last night while contemplating this. It’s difficult to put into words. How did other Filipinos feel when they took oath for a different nation? As far as I can tell, most of the Pinoys around me are happy enough of the prospect.

I’ll delay it as much as I can. Probably long enough that it wouldn’t happen at all.

When the time comes and I decide to swear on a foreign flag, I’ll be changing my personal details but I would like to say, I will never change my allegiance to my country of birth.

Written on 20 March 2003

Tanong ko sa asawa ko, “why am I not good at retaining friends?” Sabi niya hindi naman daw sa hindi ako kaibig-ibig, kundi wala daw kasing continuity.

There are times I look at my sisters with envy. Most of their friends go waaay back in high school and are still there. Justifiably sabi ni Joel kasi sila tuloy-tuloy ang pagsasama. Pagkatapos ng high school, pare-pareho ng course sa iisang college. Pagkakuha ng diploma, sama-sama sa iisang ospital at sabay-sabay na lumipad papunta sa iisang bansa. Sabi nga ang lalim na ng ugat ng samahan.

Samantalang ako palipat-lipat, nawawala. With friends, out of sight can sometimes mean out of mind. At dahil nasa labas ako, mas nararamdaman ko.

I really have precious few friends that I deeply treasure. Yung mga subok na matibay, thru thick and thin. Sa high school, andyan si Lisa. Kaso mula nung maging mommy, she started to stay away. Wala na yung mga spontaneous text messages or phone calls. Sabi ni Joel na outgrow ko daw at the same time iba na ang path niya. Reason ba yun?

College, my closest friend was Marlon. Then there’s Almira, Gay, Coors, Cherry, Rose and a handful of others. Ngayong OFW na ko, wala na kong balita kay Cherry. Hindi sumusulat si Almira. Pero buti na lang may email, I hear from the others more often. Pero sa isip-isip ko tatagal kaya?

Work. Sabi ni Joel iba na daw yun kasi ng magkita-kita kami, mature people na yan. Rooted na din daw kahit paano. Pero nasaan si Balot?

Kung ako ngayon madalas naiisip ko yung mga kaibigan ko, what are they up to now, what are they like, I hope they’re okay. Sila kaya naiisip din nila ako? Sabi ba naman ni Joel kasi daw karamihan ng ka-close ko para ding ako… meaning? Flip, emotional, maraming hang-ups, weird?? Totoo ba yun? Hindi naman.

Sa totoo lang lagi ko kasing naiisip what if I die today? I want my friends to be there, to know — but how? Nakakatakot. Oo, morbid ako. Pero ang lungkot isipin sasabihin ng mga tao sa lamay ko, may friends yan di lang siguro nasabihan. Ouch.

Dito (uk) na namin planong mag-pamilya ni Joel. Siempre dito na din la-laki yung mga anak namin (that is if God sees us fit). Aba sabi ko hang-on… I need friends here. Kailangan ngayon pa lang mag-cultivate na kami ng friendships na hindi user-friendly kundi pangmatagalan.

But still I told my husband I want my old friends. Right now it feels like I’m holding on to a thread. If I decide to let go and forget, no one would grab the other end. Ganun, goodbye na ba?

I just hope when we retire we can still call our dear old friends and continue as if there was never any gap at all. Wag ko na munang isipin paano kung wala na kong babalikan.

Winter’s nearly over & the days are getting colder and colder. The wind actually hurts & sleet a daily occurence. I’m so used to grey skies now that everytime there’s a sunny patch I actually feel my mood improving. That’s Britain for you.

So a few nights ago, I called my husband four (4) stations before my stop. I don’t want to freeze & my toes are especially sensitive. When I got out of the train station, what do I see? My 22-month old son’s eager face all alit with a lovely smile & he’s waving at me. He saw me before I even passed the ticket barrier.

All the winter cold melted away & my life was suddenly summer fresh & breezy. There’s nothing more heartwarming than an adoring son’s love.

If only we didn’t have to go home & face my in-laws’ dark faces. But let’s not ruin my post.

I’ve seen Gilson, my physiotherapist, for 3 sessions now. He’s given me some neck exercises designed to strengthen my neck muscles. He also showed me what my posture should be, so I people can now see my writhe every few minutes trying to get my shoulders in the correct position. I’d be standing in the tube & I’d writhe. I’d be sitting in the tube & I’d writhe. I’d be walking to the water cooler & I’d writhe. I’d be lying down & I’d writhe.

Today was my third session. I was up at 5am & I arrived for my appointment 45 minutes early. If at any point during my travel I encountered a train delay or bus delay I would either be on the dot or very late. So better too early than late.

Anyway I told Gilson the pain is even worse now & the right side of my right arm, which was better due to the steroid shot I had last year, aches everytime I change its position. If I had my arm bent for 15minutes and then stretch it, ouch! If I had it stretched & then bend it, ouch! So today Gilson added more needles & stuck some of it on my right foot & right calf muscle.

I am seeing my consultant after my nasal surgery. I have one more session booked for Gilson, if my right arm’s not getting any better, I will quit paying for the pleasure of getting pricked at least 6 times in different points in my body.

A post by J about his Chinese astrology prompted me to check what fortunes, or miseries, are instore for Dragons like me this Year of the Dog.

Checking this website, reaffirms what I already know, which will probably apply to all working people, - that I am stressed & tense & that I should relax. The text goes on to say that my patience is being tested, well if you scroll thru my posts it’s apparent that I have no patience left.

The yadi-da of the site “prediction” though is a bit scary because it also points out I need a friend & it is sad, because I do. And when it mentioned love, it said “In love, particularly, you’ll show no desire to ask yourself unnecessary questions.” - so what are the necessary questions that I should have been asking then? Because I don’t even have the desire to talk about love.

Are you familiar with Nickelodeon’s The Avatar? Their UK network showed the whole sceries over the Christmas break & by chance, I got to see most of it with my Nanay. By accident we were channel surfing & Avatar was just starting.

I thought she was a captive audience as I’m a big cartoon/animated/anime-fanatic & she’s more a “Mara-Clara” follower. When the first episode was finished, I thought that was it & I was wondering when I’d actually get to see the next episodes. I went to the kitchen & then Nanay started hollering, “ay eto na yung kasunod bilis!” (come back the continuation’s here).

So it went like that for the whole series was shown one after another. She’d go to the loo & be asking if the next episode’s already starting. In the end she was lamenting we couldn’t record it (i’ve no vcr or dvd recorder) as she wants a copy. Then she suggested I rent the next series from my Amazon subscription (i tried but the show ran for 1 season only).

Nanay never ceases to amaze me. I don’t know if she genuinely liked watching the show or if she was just trying to understand what I like or what I am now.

My son sleeps next to either my husband or me. He has his own room, complete with wardrobes, a bed, sidetable with a Disney character lamp &, of course, his toys & books. But my husband doesn’t want him to sleep alone until he’s 4 y.o. (anyway since my inlaws are here they use my son’s room instead).

Anyway if it’s my shift, then my hubby gets a blanket & the floor, if it’s his night then I get the floor. But more & more, whenever I’m on the bedroom floor, I still wake up at 5-530am. My son climbs down the bed & nudges me or jumps on me or simply lies down next to me. When I’m on the bed with him, he does the same thing anyway. He’ll either wake me up gently or will start lifting/poking at my eyelids. He never does it to his dad. It’s like he doesn’t care where dad is, he wants mum to WAKE UP!

Either my husband is totally oblivious & never notices these events or he’s secretly enjoying his extended sleep time. It bothers me because (a) it’s unfair that I’m always tired & don’t get enough sleep; and (b) because my son isn’t that “attached” to his dad. I keep telling hubby to set aside more playtime with our son & just be all out silly & make him laugh. At least now when hubby reads the bedtime stories he tries to do the “voices”.

I enjoy my son’s devotion & attention. I love the fact that when he hurt himself he asks me to kiss his boo-boo. I love my son to bits & I wish I could stay at home & just look after him. But I can’t. I’m a working mum & I get tired & I need rest & I need time to myself as would any normal person. So when I’m in a foul mood or when I’m sick, I really wish my husband would make that little effort to keep our son’s attention.

I just read about the Wowowee tragedy in ULTRA, Pasig (Pinas). I felt pity which is normal then I felt rage which is useless. Those people queued at Ultra hoping they’d at least get a few pesos by being one of the millions in the rating wars of ABS-CBN. Aside from looking like beggars & fools (targets of the accompanying jokes of the show’s hosts), now they will have to deal with deaths & injuries & missing limbs. Will ABS’ execs pay for their ensuing medical bills?

The accident shows what state our country is in: the poverty that can never be resolved (I hope I’m wrong) and the corruption of its People. Nakakalungkot. I feel impotent because no matter how much I rage, I feel like there is nothing I can do.

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domestic issue naman

On the same vein, I feel even more impotent at home. Now that my in-laws are here not only am I stressed at work, I’m doubly stressed at home. Yes, they’re nice, decent people. But they are not equipped (mentally & physically) to look after a toddler. Plus I do question their hygiene standards. They’ve been the source of a never-ending-discussion between my husband & me. And they’ve only been here for a week!

If I can only ship them back where they belong… but alas, I’m impotent in my own castle.

My tennis elbow, coupled with golfer’s elbow, is not getting any better with the 5 sessions I have had with my South African physiotherapist. So today I saw Gilson, a colleague of my physio, to try acupuncture. A session costs £43, but I have to check the bill from BUPA when it arrives as the last bill I had for my physio was £65. The reason I’ve mentioned the fee is because I have already max’d my 2006 allowance on physiotherapy. For my consultation with Gil, I will be paying it out of my monthly allowance. And he said I might have at least 6 sessions! A painful void in my wallet is beginning to form.

I thought acupuncture is still considered an “alternative” treatment. Apparently it has long been considered scientific. Gilson, who is black African & I doubt has a drop of Chinese blood in him, started explaining how the needles work. After a 5-minute scientific explanation, he then shrugged his shoulders & started talking about how the Chinese presents acupuncture to the world, all the Qi & mystery of maintaining the flow of energy in the body. He obviously prefers the scientific explanation better because I had the feeling he resents talking about Qi & it was like I was forcing him to. But I never said a word — I was bored.

I wanted to flick my fingers on my wristwatch & tell him time is gold as I still need to go to work. My appointment with him was 8am & from that hospital, it will take me one & half hour to get to the City.

Anyway, I ended taking my top off & having him stick 4 needles in my back (which is really tense & very “lumpy”. Two went to the clavicle area, one went near the spine (”middle section”, the last on top of my right shoulder. He added 4 more needles: 3 around the elbow area & one “point” on my hand. I stayed in position for 10 minutes & it was done — £43.

He handed me an info sheet (an sop in this part of the world) on acupuncture & informed me we’ll be doing exercises to ease my tense shoulder muscles. I readily agreed. I knew I have to pick up my exercise routine in the near future.

I haven’t coughed up the dough to pay Gilson, the post will surprise me. But the needle-effect, the info sheet says, may take up to a week to see/feel any results. And that in most cases, the first session rarely makes any difference. Good grief!