The “westerners” (i.e. europeans & north americans) always, always go for small talk when we bump into them. On weekdays at the water cooler the typical opener is “How are you?”. You’re expected to respond with “great, blah… and you?” then you go your separate ways.

Ah but on Monday morning or after a long weekend, the opener is “How was your weekend?” (On Fridays after work, the pub talk starts with “any plans for the weekend?”. The answers to this question are varied, it can be a curt “It wasn’t bad, you?” to a long retelling of what fish they caught or movies they saw. Me, my favorite answer before was “it was very relaxing”.

Pre-baby, my weekend ritual was to breeze thru housework, finish whatever I was reading during the week, watch telly AND spend hours & hours relaxing. I take long baths complete with bubble bath, oils, salts & candles to finish my aromatherapy. I spend weekend time on myself. It’s even better if my husband is off-duty on weekends. We give each other massages & I get him to give me a foot spa!

Two-years after my little boy and I can only sigh. With a toddler in the house, there is no relaxing. Not even during his naps, the only time I can fit in some housework. One- to two-hours of washing dishes and cooking meals/merienda, loading the laundry & ironing the clothes. And of course weekend is family time. We go out, we play in the park, do family things.

I cannot contemplate taking out my foot spa materials, it will attract my son like a fruit to a fly. Aromatherapeutic baths? Well if you count playing in the bath with my son, then yes, I still do that. I can’t even go to the loo alone now.

For what it’s worth, I love the weekends even more. Sure there’s less ‘me’ time, but there’s more ‘love’ time.

Churchill has one and he strokes it everyday. I wrestle with mine every week. Mahirap. I thought I’m going mad. Maybe I just need to focus my attention on something. But when the cloud descends, my energy is sapped. I don’t want to do anything but lie down and think. I see nothing but bleakness and all my problems seemed magnified. I find fault in everything and I cannot appreciate humour. Some would say I’m just in a foul mood. I wish it was that simple.

Sometimes I win the battle & I can shake off the beast. I can enjoy the rest of the day & feel better about my life, not myself but MY LIFE. Other days, I succumbed & do nothing but cry & despair. I’m one big drama queen.

It is under control. I live a normal enough life and I function. I’ve never attempted suicide & I never self-harm. I guess I learnt to live with my dark dog. There is no getting away from him anyway. I just try not to feed him. Someday I hope he’ll starve to death & never show up.

I’ve been practising my clout as Senior QA aka QA Manager lately. I’m the only software tester in the house so it’s absurd to ask for the title. But still I found myself cracking the whip in the last two weeks.

I told off the dev manager, indirectly, to lay-off changing the specs (requirement specifications) without telling anyone else. I slaved-away for the test cases I’ve written and now that I’m in the execution phase I’m finding out some functionalities are either gone or changed so much my test specs need re-writing!

I’ve made my frustration known by sending an email to everyone in the tech team that I will no longer stand the abuse and I will not accept anymore build release from them without giving me proper handover release notes. So there!

Are they quaking in their pants? I hope.

On the other side of the ring, our trusty QA contractor (left to work on an old version of our application) was being very quiet. So since Monday I’ve been coaxing him to give me the blow-by-blow state of his tests. Until this morning I’ve been trying to get developers and business managers to assist him & get things moving. I hope he appreciates it. Otherwise he’d be sitting there for an hour scratching his head or biting his nails. And the most important factor is we don’t have time anymore. We need him to assist me in my testing & get out of version 1.

I feel alive. I’m busy, I’m working & I’m doing what I do best - breaking the software. But hey I think I am also acting like a manager, could it be true? I’ve been aiming for that for how long now? Darn it’s elusive. Nearly had it last year but was jilted because of maternity issues. Yes I could sue but for what? So here I am starting again & managing myself — and a contractor who gets paid better than me.

My parents were pretending to be casual last night as they relate how a family friend’s (also living in London) guestroom is always booked. That she & her husband managed to forge a friendship with those they work with, albeit all are still Pinoys. Then my dad’s double-entendre rubbed more salt to a gaping wound by stating that it’s not bad to have at least 10 circle of friends who visit and that we visit. My mom added matter-of-factly that I should have friends from work come over.

Five year in London and I always ask myself, why am I friendless? Am I really friendless?

My husband & I moved out of the London town we originally settled in for several reasons. Topmost is the property price. We can afford it but we’d be limited as we’re also investing back home, tripling our monthly outgoings. The other personal reason was we didn’t want to be near the original Pinoy crew from my husband’s hospital. We don’t like the intrigues, the gossips, the cliques & most especially the gauging of our lifestyles.

We took a risk. No more dropping by a friend’s house two-blocks away. No more surprise calls saying they’re on their way to eat dinner at our place. No more sudden invitation to go joy-riding or carboot sale hunting. Now we live a good-30minute drive away from “them”. It takes a lot more planning to get-together apparently.

Working full-time, with a 1-year old to look after and an irregular nurse’s shift to consider, moving about & “dropping-by” our friends just isn’t as easy as before. I’m sure it’d be the same if we were living next door to our closest friend. I mean, I only have the weekend to do all the motherly-things & domestic-chores expected of me, can I really afford to spend 2 hours in public transport just to have tea with someone who’s probably as busy? Who’d do the laundry? Who’d cook dinner? Etc Etc.

But yes, I am missing the point. The point is my parents think I (& my husband) have no friends. I think so too. I personally have no shoulder to cry on when I am frustrated with my husband or when I am so tired from work & home that I want to tear my hair out. But it’s a personal decision to put everyone at an arm’s length. Fear of hearing your tears reverberate in the “Pinoy community” stops me from being open.

I miss my friends back home. My true friends. I keep telling myself I will make friends here, someday. It seems impossible now. I like my officemates & I get invited to parties & to after office do’s but I never jump in. I’ve no one to blame but me, I don’t want to mingle. So there. I am alone but not really. I have my family and that’s all that matters.

Sure I miss the socialisation but then I meet up with ex-colleagues now and then. I also chat & lunch with present teammates. We’ve three new Pinoy families we go to parties with in our new place. We call and receive calls from the closest Pinoy friends we have. I get emailed by former officemates. We visit our old town now & then, probably once every two-months to attend baptismals, birthdays, etc.

That’s enough social interaction for now. Am I limiting myself? Yes I know. What can I do?

In the employee lounge of a posh office in Regents Street, two hunks were hunched over lunch. One spoke in a really manly voice and told his buddy that he brought the DVDs the other was asking for. They got excited and were soon exchanging stories and episodes of this Anime.

I thought wow, they’re also into Anime! I looked over and saw the DVD cover for — Powerpuff Girls!