What can be more distressing than seeing your child is in pain and you’re powerless to help?

Last night my toddler choked on his meal and the whole family descended on him. I thought a fishbone got lodged in his throat. I wanted to put my index finger in his mouth and force him to regurgitate, but I’ve been growing my nails & feared I might scratch his throat. My husband did it for us. Out came everything my son ate but no sign of bone. He was crying his eyes out & to me it sounds like he’s hurting and he’s in pain.

I didn’t know what to do. Where the hell is mother’s instinct? Am I not supposed to suddenly get a rush & know whatever medical manoeuvre available for these situations? Nope, I had none of that. Common sense, I’ve always agreed and affirmed, is the rarest breed of all.

After the bone search, I took my son’s shirt off and cuddled him. He was still upset & crying. By this time I know I’m such a loser. My husband’s disapproving glare seem to confirm what a failure I was/am.

I decided to show my son the mirror & make funny noises & faces at him, he loves play-acting in front of the mirror. Lo & behold he laughed. Another minute and he’s fully-recovered. A ton of blocks were lifted from my chest. He finished his dinner whilst sitted on my lap. The rest of the night went smoothly.

This is the second “motherhood” episode I will never forget. I panicked. I pitied & still pity myself. I have no belief in my own strength. I am loser. But you know what? I love my son and I know life is a learning experience. I know that I will do my best not to let him down - ever.